Argument over returning to work after mat leave

[User234678]

I have one primary school age dc from previous relationship and so does he, we have his dc every Wednesday and every second weekend, and we have a new baby together. I'm due to return to work at the end of the summer, this is me taking the full year which we can only just afford but makes the most sense so we can avoid holiday childcare cost for the older dc on top of nursery fees for baby.

When we discussed having a baby I was full time and he had just started a zero hours contract, which we knew would eventually become full time and we just agreed that when that happened we would discuss how best to work it all with me saying I didn't mind going part time or changing jobs if needed as both of us are shift workers so much harder to find childcare to accommodate this.

I took the occupational maternity package so I have to go back full time for 3 months or I owe then it all back so I had said I would go back 3 month then look at reducing my hours or find a more childcare friendly job. Upon speaking to my boss they are willing to allow me to come back full time but use annual leave to do part time. So I would be off every Wednesday, allowing me to collect and look after his dc till he gets home, this means putting my older dc in after school club and there are a few Mondays I would need due to school things, appointment for baby and kids birthdays but if I leave after 3 months I won't have enough annual leave to cover this whereas if I stay full time till end of year I can actually have every Wednesday and Monday off, massively reducing our childcare bill and also helping with drop offs for both the kids on Monday mornings.

I suggested this last night and also that at the end of the year I could then request part time along with a flexible working request to basically always have the Monday Wednesday off on the basis that the service has been running with me never working those days for the previous months so they shouldn't really be able to refuse on the grounds of it not being suitable for them.

Anyway, this creates the issue that one Friday a month I won't be able to collect his dc or mine, though mine could go to after school till he gets home so he would either need to try and work his shifts to have that day off/early finish and make it up another day or ask his ex if he can collect from her at a later time rather than school.

He has now said I'm changing the goal posts and he can't do either of those things long term, could have managed it for the 3 months I had to work to cover my mat leave agreement, possibly till the end of the year but definitely not long term, I said so he's basically saying I have to give up my job to sort the childcare until I find something that's more convenient, he insists he isn't saying that but can't tell me what my other options are.

I feel I am making adjustments to my work to cover as much childcare as possible and only asking that he sorts one day, I am more than happy to look for something else and all of this might be a non issue as I could be lucky and basically be able to find something that will tie in to start at the end of the year meaning I don't owe any annual leave or mat pay back but the chances of this are slim, and I don't want to be in the position of spending anytime not working and totally reliant on him, that was never the agreement but now seems to be what he expects. I also don't think it's fair on the baby to put her in nursery for a few months then take her out then put her back in when I find something else and if I'm not working we will not be able to afford any childcare.

How can I get him to see this from my point of view.? Just to add we will both be earning more or less the same regardless of who works full time and over the majority of our relationship I have always worked full time whereas he has always been part time which did mean he done most of the childcare for both our dc but that was his decision and if he had wanted to work full time we would have sorted it somehow just as we are doing now but he feels that as he done the part time hours to fit childcare, though that wasn't really why he done it, it just so happened to suit the childcare, now its my turn to make sacrifices and let him work full time while I accommodate the childcare, which I am as much as possible yet he can't sort one day.

If anyone made it through all that do you have any advice on how to explain this to him or any ideas on what other options I might have?

Yes I think your way sounds better. I'm sure he can sort out one day to collect his child?!

And when I said "an issue for you" obviously I meant "an issue for HIM"

Sounds like a man who is willing for you to have your 'little job' as long as he is not inconvenienced in any way...

@C0untDuck1a no he hasn't tried to sort it he says I have just sprung this on him as I had said I needed to go back 3 months so he took that to mean at the end of the 3 months I was just giving it up and then looking for something else and didn't stop to think that maybe I meant after the 3 months I would consider my options while keeping my job until I found something else. I did agree that if he was full time I would be happy to drop my hours and work around all the kids but not if that means not earning my own money at all. The thing is his new contract is through a company he worked agency shifts for and they are aware of the situation with his dc and our new baby and have said they will come and go as much as possible when his contract starts so they probably will accommodate the Friday some how but he says that's not what they meant and they won't do it and basically his attitude is why should he ask, where as I know for a fact as I have been in my job 3 years that Friday Saturday and Sundays are almost impossible to negotiate.

He is being completely unreasonable.
You have been amazingly accommodating boarderline mug

You are parenting your kids and his and doing all the running around.

Are you splitting the cost of the after school care your child needs so you can pick up his???

Whatever you do,
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB

You go back end of summer - then there is a three month window. So 9 months or so.

how the fuck are you “springing it on him”?

why should he ask?
Because you (plural) need childcare...?
The more you write the more of a prize clown he sounds

Is he someone who just says no, but might think about it.
As pp said, work out how many days are a problem and ask him to give it a trial run. If not you are within your rights to say he must sort his own kid out. You are already doing lions share

@squezzle that's actually a really good point, iv just worked it out and it's actually only 7 days of the year, hopefully that will make him see sense if not I actually think I will need to reconsider the relationship as if he isn't willing to sort 7 days childcare a year then we obviously aren't a partnership at all.

It sounds as if he needs to stand up to his ex and step up to his responsibilites. Contact is court ordered so she’ll have to take your dp back to court to take the day back. The child’s father is working In part to pay CM for his child. She doesn’t get to dictate every thing. I cannot see any judge changing the contact order because she has a hissy fit. I also don’t see why you’d need to pay for legal representation for anything like this.

Look, she can’t stop you using childcare. If she goes to a solicitor to say she wants to take him back to court because he’s using an after school club then she will be laughed out of the room.

You just need to tell him that you’ve done enough to work out childcare, you’re giving up any chance at having a few days off in a row for a holiday or break so this is one is his job to sort out. Tell him to use the afterschool club and to hell with his ex because she can not dictate that and she won’t find a solicitor to take you to court. Even if she does, you could represent yourself for this one because it’s just afterschool club.

He should ask because it's his kid...

His ex can be laughed out of court for objecting to 30 mins ASC if thats what she wants to waste her money on. I can't believe he's allowing his ex so much control over you working.

I agree that it's his problem to sort and his ex doesn't have any say.

However I would also take a second look at your plan to pick his up on a Wednesday too as it sounds like you'll never get a proper holiday if you use all your annual leave for childcare.

@Horsemenoftheaclopalypse yes to be fair any money either of us earn is house money we each have an equal amount for ourselves each month after all bills and everything is off, no my money and his but I never want to be in the position where I don't bring any of that joint money in, even if I everything I earn went on childcare at least I would know that I am contributing and if we split up I wouldnt be left with no income.

@Missingstreetlife no not really, he will act like he knows he was wrong while still trying to convince me he was right, if that makes sense

at the end of the year I could then request part time along with a flexible working request to basically always have the Monday Wednesday off on the basis that the service has been running with me never working those days for the previous months so they shouldn't really be able to refuse on the grounds of it not being suitable for them.

It’s still a gamble. There could be plenty of reasons why they could accommodate it for 3 months but not longer.

And won’t you have to apply within about 6 weeks of going back?

Troels has it right. For a great majority of these family cases you don't need a solicitor (no offence to any solicitors in what I'm about to say (!) but they don't 'add' anything' (they're not arguing complicated points of law or referring to precedent cases)). The entire focus of the court is to ensure contact is facilitated and maintained based on WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILDREN. That's it, it's that simple. All you have to do is state that you're arranging period childcare from a registered person/organisation to accommodate your shift work to facilitate the court ordered contact and the court will be happy. That's it, job done. And remember, that court ordered contact is for the children's contact with THEIR DAD - that's the legal relationship between the court order and him. HE has to facilitate it.

As things stand though I think you've got bigger problems and I agree with a PP who said tell him you've tried (and you've tried above and beyond actually) so you're going back full time and he'll have to sort it himself. Then do it. He's taking the piss - it sounds like the foundations of the relationship are built on some pretty staggering assumptions of your role that ring alarm bells for a future tbh and giving up work does not sound like a very good idea at all in the current scenario with this level of selfishness.

Whilst you at it OP you need to discuss your situation round child sickness. If he won't take time off for collection of his own child what will happen when any of the children are sick. You cannot be responsible for doing it all.

You really shouldn't be doing all the running around for his child. It's his responsibility to sort his own child's stuff out. Why can't his ex sort it out, why are you being lumbered with their responsiblities. Its not your problem it's theirs

Yes it's his responsibility, yes it's only 7 days per year!!! He could use 7 x half days annual leave FFS.

What does the CO says about his DC being in childcare/does his ex have right if first refusal? If not I would consider going to court to get a variation to state your DP has the right to use registered childcare during his contact to enable him to work. Better to sort it now than wait until it's an issue!

Remember he can self rep at court, perhaps get court to tell his ex some of her other stipulations are unreasonable and she go jump?

If you think about the last 3 months of the year I.e. the run up to Xmas, there are bound to be concerts, school Nativites etc anyway that he'd be taking time off work to go and see anyway. These may (or may not) fall on a Friday, so he may want to take the time off anyway &/or have other time to take off.

His daughter may be sick on days and he'll need to pick up early/take a day off work to look after her.

Why worry about this now? It's his problem to deal with.

You've come up with a very good solution to begin with & beyond that, all his child's needs (whether that's afterschool pick up, sick day coverage or play attendance) are on his shoulders to sort out.

Don't ruin your career racing round after his child, just because he feels like he shouldn't have to.

@ScrumptiousBears that's actually a really good point that I hadn't considered, before the baby if my older dc was ill then that obviously fell to me though thankfully this was rare but now we have the baby I just assumed we would work it out as and when it happened but yeah I think now with this happening he is going to assume I will lose days work to accommodate any illness the baby might have which isn't fair especially if I am using 2 days annual leave to cover childcare my work will not be happy if I have numerous days off for illness on top so yet another thing to discuss.

Thank you to everyone who has replied I now know I'm definitely not being unreasonable and a few posters have pointed out other potential issues that need to be discussed.

@RandomMess until recently he has always been available to do all pick up and drop offs of his dc but when we knew I would be on mat leave for the year we agreed he could do any hours during that time and I would collect his dc as needed but at the last court hearing 6 months ago his ex tried to stipulate that she reluctantly would only allow me to collect in a very occasional emergency we wanted it written in that we would have total control over how we arranged our childcare needs to suit us, she would not agree so the judge told her that I could collect as needed but nothing was ever written into the order and using registered childcare was never specifically mentioned.

Are you sure it is the ex that wont allow? What he does with his own child during his contact time is none of her business and surely he knows that. We read about controlling ex partners all the time on here, if he is allowing this and wont stand up to her I would lose respect for him. He clearly wont stand up for you and his child's care is his problem not yours, keep your full time job you may need it.

Hence why you need it resolved or after what happened at court book his DC into ASC and when ex kicks off "unavoidable due to work" the court would certainly back you it would seem from last time!

You can imagine it in the court "How dare ex use ASC once per month in order for him to work FT and provide for his DC" at best she would get first refusal where you have to offer her the opportunity to collect from school but that would not enable her to refuse your DP to collect later on for EOW contact...

Anyway, this creates the issue that one Friday a month I won't be able to collect his dc or mine, though mine could go to after school till he gets home so he would either need to try and work his shifts to have that day off/early finish and make it up another day or ask his ex if he can collect from her at a later time rather than school.

He has now said I'm changing the goal posts and he can't do either of those things long term

Your DH is being incredibly unreasonable.

These are HIS children. HIS children. And you have been doing the heavy lifting, and will continue to do the heavy lifting whilst downgrading your own career and using your holiday time to accommodate issues on Mondays and Wednesday so HIS children are picked up and looked after by you, and I imagine you'll be doing most of the drop offs Mon-Fri as well. So he can fucking well do Friday pickups for his own children and arrange his schedule accordingly.

Typical wanker: equalish jobs, equalish incomes ... but all the childcare logistics should fall to you because, you know, vagina.

Tell him he'll need to sort it. THat's his share. He's lucky you're able to do as much as you can.