WIBU?- Roadside shrines

[Arnoldthecat]

This is more of a ..would i be unreasonable....to not want a roadside shrine directly outside my house/garden gate/in close proximity..?

But there are appropriate places to leave stuff. OK there are far more cremations than burials these days, but every crem has a remembrance chapel where you can go and leave flowers/cards/pictures etc. Or you can build a shrine in your own house/garden.
These mountains of crap are not about grief, they're about attention-seeking wankery - particularly when they are for someone who died miles away from their actual home so the family can't 'take comfort' from seeing the compost heap increase without a three-hour round trip.

For me it depends on what’s there and who has put it there.

There’s one in our village that has been there years. The gentleman who died was the victim of a dreadful freak accident not related to “normal” traffic. There is a simple wooden cross at the spot. I have no issue with this as no environmental impact and no impact on other road users.

Ice rebel - I doubt very much a white bike would have been put there in the incident you mention. They are generally placed by cycle campaign groups in places where innocent cyclists have been killed.

I'm not trying to victim blame cyclist. I just feel it's unfair for the driver to have to pass a shrine, knowing there was little they could do to avoid what happened

Wow. Makes it sound like the bike clipped the car on a kamikaze run.

They're ostentatious spectacles of grief, and I have enough of my own to carry without these unexpected reminders of other people's. But that's a private view and not one I'd ever articulate. Grief is awful enough without strangers telling people how they should mourn.

I find cemeteries peaceful rather than creepy and those shrines in Ireland and Greece with the Marian statues are also fine. I'm not sure what it is about the makeshift roadside memorials that bothers me. Could be the immediacy of the grief or even the mess they represent: saturated, muddy teddy bears, unkempt, random piles of dead flowers randomly tied to things, often still with cellophane on.

On the subject of the cellophane - and balloon releases - they are catastrophic to wildlife. Why can't someone just invent biodegradable ones?

There are a few near us that have been going for a couple of years now. They are periodically refreshed with football paraphernalia etc and then left for a few months to fade etc. Most shrines don't last this long though.

In some ways I think they are a good thing. Always a sobering thought when driving along and being reminded that it is an accident area etc. The hope is it might stop people speeding as much etc. They are certainly more noticeable than the "accident black spot" signs you sometimes see.

I also understand the grieving have a need to remember.

However they rarely are maintained and sometimes it just looks like rubbish has been left etc. Which it effectively has. Usually the person has been buried or has had ashes scattered somewhere so you would hope the family had somewhere to remember them.

I think as well that if you didn't know the family or person then it is not unreasonable to want to move on from an accident happening outside your house, which is why the family should at some point move their shrine to an appropriate place where they can grieve and remember their loved ones.

If someone died just outside my front garden, I would go and talk to the family and offer to plant bulbs/a tree/ a rose as a permanent memorial to them.

As for roadside memorials, I never feel distracted, just reminded that the road is dangerous.

It would be nice if people removed cellophane and balloons though.

Having nearly run over the parent of one such victim I hate the bloody things with a passion.

Edge of a dual carriageway, he stepped back to view the flowers he had just laid for his son - who died there when his pushbike, no lights ror helmet, as hit by a car at about 3 in the morning.

From my perspective a man backed out of a hedge and onto the roadway without looking. I missed him because he was fucking lucky that day!

Sometimes you just have to appreciate that life sucks. You can help it along by wearingprotectove clothing, putting lights in your bike and looking before you step out into 2 lanes of fast moving traffic.

And the other one... young lad, motorbike, overtaking on a blind corner = head on collision. He died.

The woman who he hit has to pass a HUGE shrine that includes his mangled crash helmet (probably all she saw of him) every day as she goes to work - which she now does on a bus as she can no longer bear to drive).

Did I mention I hate them with a passion. Conspicuous grief belongs in a church yard/cemetary, that's what theywere invented for!

I would feel the same as you.

Firstly, it’s upsetting for everyone that something tragic has happened by your house, the family and yourselves.

Immediately after the event, then that’s understandable. After that, then no, apart from maybe a bunch of flowers on the anniversary. I like the idea of spring bulbs being planted or a rose bush, a discreet memory.

What nasty, sneering attitudes - and victim blaming- are coming through on this thread.

Environmental issues aside, I can't see why it is anyone's business or concern.

They make me so cross. That's what graves and cemeteries are for. They are distracting to other road users, and the people who dump plastic wrapped items and other environmentally damaging things NEVER return to clear them up, so it falls to the local council at the expense of every tax payer.

I can't see why anyone would want to stand at the spot where their loved one was in an awful accident.

Jane, I agree.

There is one on a roundabout, which has trees and bushes on, so not your typical visible roundabout. It's where a rural road meets the A40. There are a few lights and lanterns on it, so much so that on approach you think the road goes further than it did...very dangerous. It took me by surprise one night.

But I feel it would be churlish to complain

There's a road near me that has had several shrines on it for as long as I can remember. At least 20 years, maybe even longer than that. It used to be an accident black spot, but the council have put measures in place to make it safer. However there are always fresh flowers at the same places. So there is no guarantee that people will stop using it as a shrine after the funeral etc.

Totally agree with @ReanimatedSGB. They are horrible and messy, especially when neglected, and everyone's concern if they are in public space.

Much better to have a memorial in an appropriate space, donate to a relevant cause, plant a tree, put a notice in the paper or FB if you wish. Memorial benches are lovely but sadly some seats get blocked by bundles of dead flowers in plastic.

Piggywaspushed
Fatal accidents or violent deaths affect many, many people beyond the deceased and their families.

As I wrote in my previous post, the roadside tributes can trigger associations for the others involved. Or could trigger memories of experiences elsewhere. They do concern people other than the grieving family.

What nasty, sneering attitudes - and victim blaming- are coming through on this thread.

Well I just dont understand why a family whose relative was three times over the drink drive limit, killed themselves and seriously injured their passengers, then put up a shrine which is a danger to the rest of the travelling public.

I think they’re horrible but I rarely see them tbh.

There was one on a road I often use, but it was gone within a month.

If there was one outside my house, I suspect I’d be helpfully tidying it away after 6 months or so.

Totally agree with @ReanimatedSGB. They are horrible and messy, especially when neglected, and everyone's concern if they are in public space.

^This. Where I live there are 2 that have been there well over 10 years. Full of tat

I forgot to mention that used to work with someone who lost a close family member in a road accident, and she had never ever visited the spot where it had happened. In fact she would actively avoid, even if it meant driving a much longer route to do.

It depends on the kind of shrine, I know of one small discreet one a mother has where her son died. She visits every year, lays some flowers. He was a local well known lad so it’s sort of part of that road now.

there’s also one which has balloons, flowers, lights, photos, everything tied to and around it. It was an horrific accident, but you drive down the road your headlights catch a balloon and you think it’s someone or an animal running out. It’s bloody dangerous on an already dangerous road. We are 5 or more years on and it’s still getting refreshed.

I’ve sadly had two deaths outside my house. I wouldn’t object in the slightest to the first small remembrance spot. But the second I would. Because frankly, it’s dangerous.

How do people feel about things like the 911 memorial in the footprints of the World Trade Center? Or is that ok because lots of people tragically died?

@Icerebel if the accident happened after dark then yes, the cyclist should have had lights. That is the law. But that doesn't mean that there was nothing whatsoever the motorist could have done. You've written this like the cyclist deliberately threw themselves under the car, and like whether a cyclist wears a helmet has anything to do with whether a driver hits them or not. There is no excuse for hitting and killing another road user.

Some junctions are poorly designed for drivers seeing others using smaller vehicles and personally, I think flagging that the junction may be a dangerous one and helping to prevent more accidents is more important than the feelings of the motorist. Changing the lane or junction arrangement to improve safety will take months or years, adding a ghost bike does not.

I couldn’t believe how many pages there were of ‘in memorial’ messages marking the birthdays of someone who had passed away. There were often half a dozen for the same person, with each part of the family paying for their own message.

Interestingly, there were only 4 birthday messages for living people in the paper.

Could that perhaps be because people are still able to send cards and say 'Happy Birthday' to the living?!!