AIBU to feel furious at my ex for not having any consequences to his horrible past behavior???

[StarLadyQuill]

Settle in folks..
Was with my ex for 6 years. We have a 4 year old and have been seperated for almost 2 years (this May).
To put a very long and depressing story short, he was very controlling from the start (I was a mere 19 when we met) and by a year in we were living together and I had been isolated from all my friends and rarely saw my family. I then found out I was pregnant (I was happy, he was not) and at around 4 months I discovered he had been sending flirty texts back and forth for well over a month to a 16 year old girl that he worked with. (I think more happened than just text but I honestly don't know) I flipped out (obviously) but forgave him and we moved on.
Fast forward to my son being around 8 months old, I was suffering from PND but didn't realise it, and my libido was at an all time low (something that he constantly brought up and made me feel terrible about). I went on a staff night out, came home quite drunk and he raped me.
It wasn't violent, I didn't try push him off after the first time. I was way too drunk to be able to really. I cried a lot the next day and he didn't mention it.
I spent the next couple of years with him, hardly sleeping, having suicidal thoughts, he continued to assault me but this time he tried to do it when I was asleep. There were several times I woke up to him doing things to me thinking I was asleep. I'm not sure why now, but I always just lay there pretending to be alseep hoping it would be over soon. I don't really know why I never confronted him on it at the time.
Anyway I finally snapped and it all came out one night, and I tore him a new one. He cried, said he had a problem, he'd get help and he loves me blah blah.
I kicked him out and he's been living with his parents ever since.

(Btw the reason I didn't press charges is because I had a pretty traumatic childhood and all I want for my child is to have a normal happy childhood and life with nothing terrible happen, and I thought at the time that it would scar him for life and he's somehow be angry at me)

Now my ex has had a great new promotion with a pay rise, new car and he's even dating the 16 year old previously mentioned (though now she must be about 20 ish I guess although he hasn't told me about her, but women can find anything out on the internet 👍 )

I guess, minus the rant, I'm feeling really angry that he has never faced up to any of the horrible things he did to me. He's living the high life, even when he has our child overnight he still goes out as his parents babysit.

AIBU to feel so frustrated at him and this whole situation? Do I just sound like a whiny child?

*I feel like I should mention that the reason my child still sees my ex is that he's a good father, I trust my own instincts when it comes to the safety of my child and would never put him in a situation I thought was unsafe. Jusy thought I'd get that out there. What my ex did was to me, not my child who has every right to have a relationship with his father.

I feel the same. I have four DC by two father's. The father to my eldest sees her EOW only so is free to earn really well, travel and have nights out. He owns a lovely big house and car and tries to encourage DD to be as materialistic as him.

The father to my younger 3 has disappeared completely so is free to work hard to get promoted, go out and have fun all while sleeping on friends sofas, no doubt telling them he's broke as he gives me all his money yet I still prevent him seeing the DC (both bollocks)

Both were abusive in multiple ways. DD and I had to flee to a hostel under police protection because her father was dangerous. The DC and I had to move when I was pregnant when I separated from my other ex. Neither of them seem to be at all bothered about being separated from their children, so I don't see that they've had any negative consequences for their behaviour.

Meanwhile I'm struggling financially, physically caring for 4 DC (2 with SN) is tough, I haven't had a break from them in 7 years. Yet their fathers have equal rights? So unfair.

I think you should go to the police, if you feel strong enough

@Helen I'm so sorry you went through all that. Its so unjust when men don't suffer any consequences for all their shitty behaviour. Times are changing but it still happens on the daily.

It's been almost 2 years since the last assault and I feel like going to the police now would be more my word against his, and I've suffered with depression and he's in a high paying respected managerial job, plus now he has a new girlfriend of a few months it would probably seem as though I'm crying wolf because of that. I'm just worried it would open a can of worms and he'd still walk away from it scott free, and then people would think I'm a liar.

Hmm well he is not going to be held acccountable if youve never been to the police. I dont believe in karma

I hear you, OP.

I left my ex when I was 5 months pregnant due to his sudden outbursts of rage, engineering arguments, gaslighting and lying.

Now he's found a new partner who owns a lovely house who he's moved straight in with, and who has basically handed him a whole new life on a plate. That's his reward for treating me like that.

That's what abusers so often do though, although it helps to share, to chase away that horrible feeling that it's something you might have done.

The sexual abuse you suffered from your ex though, that's in a different category, in that it's an actual criminal offence. So, it's your decision whether to attempt to bring him to justice or not.

AIBU to feel so frustrated at him and this whole situation? Do I just sound like a whiny child?

Absolutely not. You sound like anyone whose ex has short-changed and seemingly just dusted down and fucked off to live in a world of happiness and sunshine.

Hard though it is vent to trusted sources, bite your tongue and keep going just as you are.

All the shouting and creating about his success is his means of overcompensating and trying to convince himself he has a much bigger dick.

You know otherwise and have too much about you to stoop to that level. Cart on, keep a quiet dignified silence, don't start letting your son pick up or get embroiled and before long the anger will have given way to a certain level of pity.

would say after careful consideration you should find a way of going to the police. You do not know whether other women would suffer his abuse. You have a right to justice. He should face consequences of actions. Your child would continue to forge their own relationship with them. In the future you would feel freer of this. I would also say that it is hard and painful and you may not feel ready now to do it. I would ask your doctor for counselling and post here to help work out what is best.

I would say you should go to the police. You may not be able to get a conviction but if you report what happened you can get his name added to the Claire’s law list to prevent other women being abused in the future.

Its so unjust when men don't suffer any consequences for all their shitty behaviour.

They won’t until woman start speaking up

His new girlfriend is probably suffering the exact same fate.

So will the next one and the one after that

@GreenTulips That hit home, I won't lie. It's very true.

I just wish I had gone to the police straight away, now it's my word against his.

Please speak to someone - rape crisis, an appropriate counsellor - before deciding whetjer to go to the police. Reporting is hard, prosecuting is harder and it would be better for you to have some support for any possible fallout.

I would also be worried about what your son msy be witnessing at his father's house and the attitudes he will be picking up there, but that's another thing to think about. Violent abusers are never good fathers, even if they dont directly abuse their children.

Your ex was horrible. I think you need to hang on to the fact that a life free of him is worth hundreds of big houses and cars. From the outside it's easy to equate material things with happiness. But you know better than anyone that inside that 'lovely' house of theirs lives a violent man that you are free of. He won't have changed. You're just forgetting what he's really like and imagining the life he has now.

You have given your children a clear message that you/people deserve better treatment and that everyone has the option to walk away from it. That's such a powerful message.

It's hard when you don't have huge amounts of money to spend. But time is the most valuable thing of all. Find cheap ways of spending time with your children and feel proud of the decisions you have made and the life lessons you are teaching them.

Fwiw always try to be as positive as you can (to them) about their relationship with their father. I think in the long run they work out who is the kind, reliable parent for themselves.

I had the same thing; except the rape ended in pregnancy. I now have a primary school aged child.

Meanwhile, he's moved on, got married and ridden off in to the sunset..

Life isn't fair. Hope you're okay, OP.

YANBU. My ex hasn't faced any proper consequences for his behaviour/abuse he inflicted on me. He continues to be inconsistent in his parenting, and combative in his dealings with me re the DC well being.

Today he is collecting them to take them out for the day. He says he's fed up (with work - no surprise there) and needs to chat with me about it. Everything always has to be on his terms, otherwise he's not interested/it's too much hassle.

No doubt he will say he's found a job elsewhere and needs to move away. That's what I'm expecting, as he's threatened this on several occasions. He will never have to face the music. It's appalling really, that everything falls on me, and he gets away with being a Disney dad.

Hopefully one day the DC will realise and they will remember that I tried my best for them.

Hopefully one day the DC will realise and they will remember that I tried my best for them.

This.

The annoying thing about this is it is your word against his. There is no evidence or proof that he did anything to you (not saying he didn't but a court needs proof) and honestly, his lawyer will tear you a new one in court if you went through with that. Chances of you winning are slim, BUT even just a court case against him would probably fuck up his life, even if he won. So it really depends if you're willing to go through it, and if you told anyone about it at the time as they are 'witnesses'. But his lawyer will be brutal, and call you a liar and say you're jealous.

I would definitely recommend taking him to court for an increase in maintenance payments, if he hasn't increased them already.

He's a good father in the sense that he pays maintenance, isn't cruel to my son and is consistent with him.
But I do worry about what he may influence on him, he has some very backward views on homosexuality etc. I am the primary caregiver for my child and the people we have around us are incredibly supportive and kind so hopefully it rubs on off him.

@ididalwayswonder I'm really sorry that happened to you, too. Mine ended in a pregnancy too but he made it clear from the moment I found out that we weren't keeping it. It's a tough one because one the one hand I'm grateful that I don't have another tie to him but on the other hand it's not something I wanted to do and still have a lot of mixed emotions about.

@MakeItRain That's what I try and tell myself too. I know people like him won't change (prime example he told me the other day that he's just bought loads of books on how to manipulate people to get what you want) and I know eventually he'll end up hurting his new gf.

I only told my best friend at the time and even that took me about 6 months to do so. A couple of other people know about it but no one else.

He told his family that I, out of the blue, decided I don't want to be with him anymore and kicked him out. They all used to treat me horribly anyway, his mother is a whole other thread. But now from what I hear they can't be nicer and more welcoming to his new gf, which frustrates me because they made my life living hell from day one (for no apparent reason, I was a good partner to their son, a great mother to their only grandchild and a polite and helpful DIL)

I think I definitely need to speak to a councillor about it all. It's been nearly two years since we seperated and I'm still so angry about what he did and how he now gets to live his life with no worries.

@Santaclarita That's exactly my point. Even if I had gone to the police straight away I'm sure it would still be my word against mine as we were in a relationship so any "dna evidence" wouldn't really count right? I don't really know how it works.
I have a few of friends who are in law, one of whom is one of my best friends so I could ask her for advice on what to expect?

Thanks for all your replies, this is so helpful xx

YANBU but your resentment towards him only harms you and holds you back, it does nothing to him and his life will still continue as it is. So with that in mind, you need to try your best to accept what you cannot change and move forward however unjust it may seem.

I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago. He stalked me for months after I left him and when I finally gained the courage to tell the police (after he assaulted me in the street), he got away Scot free. Basically the assault wasn’t ‘bad enough’ and they couldn’t charge for the harassment despite me showing evidence. It angered me to no end but if I still had the same bubbling resentment and rage now, I would be a wreck and he’d still be living his comfortable happy life. It wouldn’t serve me in any way to feel like that so I’ve chosen to move on and not think about it.

OP, I hear you - but I promise you, life will catch up with him.

My father was controlling and violent to my mother. Tried to force her to abort me, she refused and left.

His first child, my half brother, died of cancer when I was 5 - he wasn’t informed or invited to the funeral because of the way he treated his first wife.

He abused the girlfriend he had through my childhood and when I was older he sexually abused me.

His girlfriend left, he married a woman he met while working abroad. They were both as insane as each other - the last time I saw them (over 20 years ago) he gave her two black eyes and she tried to stab him with a handful of kitchen knives.

He’s now reaching the end of his life (if not dead already). No relationships with his children, will never meet his grandchildren, will die alone most likely and no one will care. I wonder sometimes if he lies awake thinking of all the things he’s done wrong and the pain he has caused - I fucking hope so. If I ever get word that he’s died, I’m having a party.

One day your child will understand what his father is - you don’t need to do anything, he will get it.

I feel you OP.

I escaped ExH 3 years ago with newborn in tow. CMS have been useless and he refuses to see DS.

However - he is still sofa surfing/getting booted out of his family members homes/can’t hold a job down. He has all the free time in the world and has done fuck all with it. Other than drink himself half to death.

He stalks me regularly via Social Media (I recently discovered someone who I thought I was close to was the one screenshotting my posts and sending them to him... My SM is actually boring unless you’re a Science Student or a Scientist so no idea why he feels the need to see it, I never post photos or anything about DS), slags me off on his social media, apparently I take all his money in CM which is why he’s constantly homeless and poor Also says on there he’s fighting for full residency of DS but I never turn up for court so there’s nothing he or the Judge can do

All utter bollocks. It would only take a quick Google to prove him a liar but his FB fans lap it up and slate me too.

Meanwhile, I’ve done 2 A Levels whilst studying from home, and am now attending a Top 10 University studying a STEM subject. I also have a beautiful DS.

If I was still with him, I’d still be being abused, controlled, coerced, manipulated, gaslighted, unable to pay basic bills, heat the house or buy food.

Dna evidence is the best evidence. If you have that, then you've got your case. If you went to the police even once after he raped you, you have your evidence.

That doesn't mean the court case will be easy. Defence lawyers are savage vultures, and will still claim you lied and even say you put the 'dna' there or led him on.

In your situation I would lodge it with the police . The fact you didn’t already do it will probably work in his favour .
It sounds like he was unhappy with you having the baby and felt trapped . No excuse whatsoever for what he did .
I think you should concentrate on your own life now . Work hard , get a good job and qualifications , don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you struggle . Surround yourself with family and friends.

The fact is that if you report it to police he will say it was consensual, as you were in a relationship at the time, and you have no proof it wasn’t.

I understand why people are encouraging you to report but, as someone who reported a rape myself, it really isn’t that easy. Reporting is traumatic, waiting months (18 in my case) while they conduct their investigation is traumatic, only to find that they drop it because they know the CPS won’t take it to Court. I cannot describe how devastating it is. And yes I had DNA evidence and a lot more besides and it still wasn’t enough.

Focus instead on healing. I wish I had. Trying to report him now won’t be successful and you will only be prolonging your own pain.

@Purpletigers He was the one who talked me into having a baby in the first place. And when I found out and told him his response was "Oh f**k, what will my parents think?"
He was very gentlemanly at the very start of our relationship, he seemed like a knight in shining armour.
Just a dickhead in ton foil

@Santaclarita No I didn't go to the police or anywhere. I was in complete denial, I naively thought it didn't happen in relationships and was very conflicted, I kept googling things like "is it possible for a husband to rape a wife" etc because I couldn't wrap my head around it all. Plus I was already suffering badly with PND.
It's been two years since we had sex (but probably about 3 and a half since we had consentual sex) so I know there wouldn't be any physical evidence, unless they can look back at my search history from years ago and see all the posts I created asking for advice with different emails just so it couldn't get back to me.

I'd be more shocked if you weren't angry and frustrated. I'm sorry for all the shitty things that have been done to you and the way he's messed with your head.

You are describing years of coercive control, which has been a crime since 2015. The assaults were part of that pattern of abuse. If you reported him to the police, they would look at the whole pattern of his behaviour. And honestly, it would always have been "your word against his" - even if you'd reported at the time he would have just said "yes, we had sex, but it was consensual".

I really think you would find going on the Freedom Programme helpful in terms of understanding and processing everything he's done to you, so that you can move forward in a safe way. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk (it's free, confidential, and they won't judge you.)

And also, I'm sorry, but I don't think you understand the impact this kind of abuse - and that is what this whole thing was - has on the children sharing that home.

What my ex did was to me, not my child

With the greatest of respect, if you'd truly processed and understood the abuse you'd experienced, you wouldn't be making statements like that. It is impossible for a child to live in a home where one parent is abusing the other without suffering as a result.

It's also disturbing that this man would be getting involved with a 16 year old child. Do you recognise that? All he's done is gone looking for a fresh victim who is even more vulnerable and will be even more compliant than you were.

He will have targeted you because of your traumatic background, and he will have targeted this child for her vulnerability.

Even if the police can't get anywhere with an investigation into what he did to you, it builds a body of information if further victims come forward in the future.