Unwanted Advice/Correcting Friend

[IAteBabyShark]

So to start I guess it is important to know that other than this annoying new development, I really like this friend, we have been friends for years I want to find a way to deal with this that doesn't change that!

So both in our 30s I have a 1 yo DS she is childfree.

Just recently she's started giving SO much unrequested advice on my parenting. Sleep advice (that I think she must have got from the 1950s) is the worst of it but also general correcting- the other day I pointed to a dog and said "woof woof" and she looked disdainful and said "no, dog" at my son. I sent her a funny picture of my son having chucked everything he could find in the bathtub (complete with laughing emoji) and she replied "is keeping the door closed not an option?" It all sounds like really silly things as I'm writing it but it's really affecting our friendship. There's loads more examples similar but what's the answer? Just want to not let it annoy me but easier said than done? Any ideas wise people?

@MrsBosh

Could she be jealous, as PPs have suggested. I'd maybe just blank her when she says stuff or give a short 'thanks'.

One of my oldest and child free friends really hurt my feelings a few times when she said my baby looked like he had porridge in his hair (cradlecap) laughed at my 'short bits of hair' (post partum hair loss at a time I already felt like crap a few months in) and commented that my newborn no longer had a 'funny shaped head' (forceps delivery). Writing it down it sounds awful.

Wow what a vile thundercunt. I hope you unfriended her (in real life!) Clearly MASSIVELY jealous of you and your lovely baby.

That would grate on me no end. YANBU.
What did you say when you called her out?
Try making it about you, not her. Something like “I feel quite criticised when you correct me like that” and see what she does. Every time thereafter I would give her an ‘upset’ look every times she overstepps the mark, till she learns what is / isn’t okay.

Why are people being so mean about people who 'don't even have kids'
I'm a professional childcarer and I would never offer an opinion on any subject unless asked. I'm childfree but of course in going to know a damn sight more about children than someone who has 1 baby for example! I'm not saying I know everything, I mean, who does? Every child is different. But I know an awful lot about children.

I hate that some people think childless people shouldn't have any input or opinions on children.

@Likethewind321 good idea with I statements.

I just said I didn't agree, and that the thought of leaving my son to cry made me feel sick, I guess I might have been a bit emotional about it, but the way she was talking you'd think I was getting him up for a play at 3am!!

Either ignore her or ask her to babysit!

@Noonooyou

I don't think it's "don't even have kids" no advice- it's any unsolicited/mean/judgmental advice, it just so happens this specific woman is child free and that does add to the banality of her suggestions.

iatebabyshark oh yes I know that and I agree that ops friend is in the wrong here. But I've read at least two comments already on this thread which says that people without children shouldn't have an opinion on them. It makes me sad.

But hoppity you only know about your own kids too so shouldn't be giving advice out either? Not your business as you said.

hoppityfrog I find your post which is clearly directed at me, very very hurtful. There's obviously some anger somewhere but I don't know why you need to direct it at me.
I don't think you actually read my post properly because I did say that I would never give an opinion on any subject unless asked.
I am very understanding to all families I work with. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Working with children has made me realise that I don't want children for a long time because I know how much lives change.
You don't know anything about me so please don't swear at me.

Er, you say your friend is 'childfree' as opposed to 'childless' so I assume that she has chosen not to have children. So I don't think she's jealous - not all women are interested in DC.

As for the bathtub pic, it may well be funny, cute and adorable to you but it is just an average example of parenting to anyone else. It's just what kids do. Maybe you've just grown apart now you have different priorities to her?

The "No kids? No opinion" comment is utterly vile and not needed. Homemademadness is 100% right that having children of your own doesn't make you an expert on other people's children. And the statement implies that those who are without children are lesser beings. Just horrible and, at best, totally thoughtless.

No advice sadly but chiming in to say i know how you feel because I have a friend who's EXACTLY the same and it drives me nuts.

I tend to give short replies in these instances but am yet to actually address it.

Steady on, Hoppity....

I disagree (at the risk of incurring your wrath too). I think that sometimes child-free people can have great ideas. It's not always to criticise. Sometimes it's to enhance. Sometimes even "good" parents get things wrong sometimes. Maybe some child-free people practically brought up their nephews and nieces. Maybe it's just common sense but the parent hasn't had time to think of it. Sometimes when a child reaches a new stage where you could move things along a bit, you don't always see it/recognise it until someone points it out. Especially if it's your first child because you literally don't know what's coming next. We aren't born as parents with all the answers at hand, and there's an arrogance (and the risk of missing out on some great tips) if we closed our eyes and ears to any other advice.

Also lastly, some parents would be the last people I would ever take advice from due to their poor parenting, so no, their opinion would not be at all more valid than someone like Noonoo who is trained in the field of childcare, just because they are "parent".

You’ve said it only started recently and your examples are about your ds, it’s not a ridiculous leap to suggest, as @@maddiemookins16mum did that for whatever reason she doesn’t enjoy hearing about your son.

YANBU at all, but I agree with Noonooyou that it's unreasonable for people to think childless/childfree people aren't allowed opinions. You say you really like this friend and get on with her, so presumably she feels the same way about you. Maybe this is a way of trying to stay involved in your life and support you? She might not realise that she's not helping.

I don't know, but it seems to me that if you both want to stay friends you need to improve the communication between you. There are lots of reasons why she might be doing this. It might feel unfair to her that you aren't interested in her opinions or don't respect her views on childcare, especially if you always used to talk things over together, for example. It might be that she's unhappy about something but feels she can't talk to you about it because you are (understandably) focused on your DC, so she's feeling resentful and this is how it's coming out. I'm completely speculating, of course! But unless you have a chat with her about it, you won't know what's going on in her head, and you run the risk of building resentment until the friendship breaks under the strain.

I can't stand people who give unsolicited advice about parenting... But I also think the whole 'no child no opinion' is rather silly too... I've actually got some great and better advice from those who aren't parents.

Hoppity... calm down and stop being so aggressive.

Oh I just use childfree for ease. She does want children but hasn't yet (not anything medical/horrible) just her decision.

I really do get the different priorities/drifting apart stuff but we were so close before- lived together for years, went travelling together etc. I feel as though I make a fair effort to not be all about DS, although that is always difficult given the all encompassing nature of a baby!

@mammoon
Wise and useful advice thank you.

This has been really helpful in making me think about all sides, just laughing to myself about the irony of asking for advice about not wanting advice though!!

It's no more 'vile' and 'thoughtless' and 'horrible,' to say women with children should not be commenting on their friends mothering skills, (which are often rude and judgemental,) than it is for the child-free women to be spouting their nasty judgemental opinions and criticism at their friends who have babies. Now THAT is vile, and unless you have lived through it, you have no right to an opinion on it.

Plenty of new mothers have had to put up with a ton of shitty comments from childfree women who think they know better. (This thread proves that!) The childfree women have no clue how hard it is to be a new mother, and to look after a baby.

So NO! their 'opinions' are not wanted. Whether they like it or not. You can act as butt-hurt as you want. Doesn't change the fact that if you have never had kids, you are not entitled to tell other women (who DO have them) how to raise their kids.

@Yidette86

Hoppity... calm down and stop being so aggressive.

You don't get to tell me what to do.

I don't even know who you are.

Bore off.

By the way, I have NEVER got good advice from anyone who is childfree. Mostly because they don't have a clue what they're talking about.

If people are getting so upset and offended at a poster's robust posting style, then maybe a public message forum is not the place for you. May I suggest a nice W.I. group. Or Church...

Oh dear gawd.. Who pissed in your cornflakes today?

Good lord Hoppity you want to take a breath for a moment? Everyone has a right to their opinions (yes, even you!) I don't recall the OP asking for parents' opinions only, so I assume that the opinions and advice of the childless/childfree are also welcome here. Maybe you could start your own thread about who you think is and isn't allowed to speak on which topics.

Babyshark I hope you talk to your friend and get it sorted. It sounds like it would be really sad to lose her. Best wishes

I think Hoppity is hopping mad tonight... Sorry couldn't resist

Hoppity I'm really not sure why you're being so angry?
I've never once said I would tell someone how to raise their kids?! You really need to calm down.

If you are deliberately showing of your patenting skills then she can comment on it.
What’s the point of highlighting a dog and saying a “ woof woof”?Some dogs bark, some hardly say antthkmg, very few woof woof. If you are doing that very obviously parenting thing but doing it wrongly then, yeah expect people to comment.
Why not just say “oh look a Labrador, Pug, Collie etc?
I hate performance parenting but really hate it when it’s just plain inaccurate.