Cousin cut me out of her life. WIBU?

[IchWill]

Okay, so my dad's brothers kids, I was in my teens when they were born. I live 50 miles away from the paternal extended family.

As soon as I was able to drive, I'd regularly drive down to visit my family at least 2-4 times a year, especially as my Nan was very dear to me. (She died in 2014 sadly).

I had a very difficult childhood and NC with my mum, so my extended family mean to world to me and I was very close to my dad's brother and sister growing up and used to stay with them in the school holidays.

Anyway, 18 months back, my aunt's daughter had a baby, so I arranged for myself and my DP to pop down and visit the baby, thinking it will be good to go see my uncle, his wife and family too, as they live round the corner from my aunt.

A day before I was due to visit, my sister decided that she, her DH and 2 DC would drive 3 hours to see the new baby on the same day, so she could see me too. Then our dad caught wind of mine and my sister's plans and decided to ravel 2 hours to visit as well.

Next day, my aunt was over the moon to have us all visit and my Nan's sister popped round and it was a house full. As there was so many of us, my aunt did a little buffet spread, esprcially as we'd all travelled.

I then asked my aunt what time my uncle was coming over, she looked surprised and said, she'd not invited him as initially it was just me and DP coming over, the plans changed the day before to everyone visiting and she'd been so busy that she didn't think to invite my uncle and his family.

No biggy, so I call my uncle, explain that we are in town and can we pop over to see them. He's a bit short with me and explains it's too short notice, so I apologise for the mix up and say I look forward to seeing them at my 40th party in a few months.

Next think I know, couple of days later, my uncle's 19 y/o unfriends me on FB. Surprised as we've always been close, I message her and she goes into a tirade about how I've broken her dad's heart by organising a BBQ with my aunt, getting the family together and not including him. I explain there was no BBQ and how the whole misunderstanding took place. Which fell on deaf ears.

My 40th arrives, my uncle, his wife and teenage daughters don't come. Say they are going away. Fair enough.

Then the younger of his daughters unfriends me on FB too. I message her to ask what's going on and she said she unfriended everyone in the family who didn't wish her a happy 18th birthday. Yes, I missed her birthday, I work three jobs, the days ran away with me and I clean forgot. I said as much, apologised and wished her a belated 18th, she then got high and mighty saying she didn't care how busy my life was, her life is busy and she always wishes family happy birthday. I pointed out that she didn't for my 40th (not that I care) and she changed the subject and started going on about the fictitious BBQ and how I broke get dad's heart and made him cry! I explained to her as I did to her sister what actually happened, but she brushed it off and said, that was why they didn't come to my 40th!

She started going on about how important family is and I pointed out that if it wasn't for me dilligently visiting every few months that I would never see them. The last time they visited was on my 30th.

So I said, look our aunty's daughter is getting married soon, let's clear the air. But now she's blanking me and the wedding is this month.

My uncle obviously holds a grudge, my cousin's blame me and hate me for upsetting their dad and won't accept any olive branch.

I'm worried if I call to clear the air then it might cause s row before the wedding. But if I don't, there will be an atmosphere at the wedding. WWYD?

@Dippypippy1980 I think one last attempt is in order, if I get nowhere, I will sadly have to accept it.

I arranged for myself and my DP to pop down and visit the baby, thinking it will be good to go see my uncle, his wife and family too, as they live round the corner from my aunt

but you didn't arrange to see your uncle. I can see why he felt unimportant / left out. But it does sound as though this has grown arms and legs

Ichwill I suspect this is not about you, but about the last straw where he has felt excluded from his family. I am sure with time and the letter someone else suggested, this can be put right.

I have seen it from the other side. My DP is excluded by his wider family all the time. Each time they say things like - oh I thought someone else was inviting you, but nobody ever does. My DP is gentle and quiet, so not at all difficult and does not drink alcohol, so no issues. I now think fuck em all.

I'm with @Tistheseason17. What a lot of histrionics over a simple failure of communication. If people truly are willing to let lifelong family relationships slide on the basis of something so minor, I'm afraid it would be making me question whether the value I'd placed on those relationships was ever merited in the first place.

That said, these are teenage girls, and teenage girls have a tendency to indulge in amateur dramatics and to make things all about them. The Uncle's decision not to acknowledge your birthday was his, though. I'd leave the cousins out of this - you're unlikely to get anywhere with them - and see if your Uncle is mature enough for a straightforward conversation.

If he refuses, or your efforts go to waste, you'll know there's nothing more you can do.

I'm close in age to you OP, and had long since come to the conclusion that life's just too short for all this over-hysterical, emotionally-draining BS. I'm sorry that you're finding yourself having to deal with this. From what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, and if it comes to it you can move on with a clear conscience.

@justmyview Very true. When Nan was alive, I often would pop down spur of the moment to see her and call around the family once there to see who was around.

After nan died, sometimes I would be in town for work, to leave the car to go to London (they live near London) etc and again would call to see who's around.

Yes, you're right, in my head I was totally focused and excited about seeing the new baby, I just assumed my uncle would be around and I could go see him after. But yes, I should have called him and I've held my hands up, but the legend of fictitious BBQ lives on!

From experience, don’t attempt to “have it out” or clear the air before the wedding. There was a misunderstanding which they have chosen to carry on with. There is no reasoning with people who behave like this.
Just go to the wedding, treat them as you would have before this, they’ve had their explanation.

A big lesson I’ve learned in life is you can’t control how they behave, but you can control how you react

They sound ridiculous. It wasn't really your place to invite your uncle anyway, you were at somebody else's home visiting a new mother and baby. And you called him and offered to go round afterwards. What a load of drama.

Thanks for your input and advice @clairemcnam and @MarieIVanArkleStinks.

My rule in relationships is 'as drama free as possible', if a friend or a partner starts courting unnecessary drama and starting arguements, I end the relationship. I've not the energy or nature to entertain it.

But as this is family, the family I'm closest to, it's so much harder.

I have sent my uncle a message and asked if he's around this weekend, so I can call. I don't want to catch him in the middle of something when he can't talk properly with me.

Just to add, a letter may be best. If people are upset they often don't want to talk on the phone. Obviously if he does, then great.

If he doesn't respond to message. I will put it in writing.

Question: Where on earth is your aunt in all of this?

Can she not just visit/call up her brother and explain?

Given they are:
A. Siblings
B. Live in the same town

@Horsemenoftheaclopalypse She had also explained it to them and apologised.

Dippy is right. One last try, a nice card, then leave it. Sounds like they will be civil.
If he's still upset let him be, time is not always a healer but it often takes the heat out. This too will pass.

Just find it a bit odd that your aunt was hosting, and you seem to be taking more of the rap for him not being invited. Not helpful, just an observation really. Maybe you're carrying the can for some issues with his sister? Might it be easier, however unfair, to blame more than his sibling?

Blame you more than his sibling.

So is you aunt, dad and sister included in the shunning or just you?

What do they have to say about uncles behaviour? (Ie are they still going round for tea/chatting/ being normal?)

My dad isn't really the calling people and FB type, so no idea of a grudge there. My sister lives very far away and did remember cousin's 18th. But younger cousin did unfriend, my dad and brother forgetting her birthday.

No idea if they all have a grudge over fictitious BBQ towards sister and dad, as theyhey can goes years without seeing them due to distance, whereas aunt is local to uncle and I'm 50 miles away and regular visitor. So it's noticible for us.

Uncle has read my message I sent earlier saying when will he be around as I would like to call. No reply as yet.

OP - Just a thought, could your Nan's sister have accidentally caused this? She came round and saw you all. Maybe she asked your uncle why he and family weren't there. Could she also have confused the buffet your aunt provided with the BBQ that never happened? The phantom BBQ must've have been mentioned by someone.
Is your Nan's sister getting a bit forgetful or confused, perhaps?
I hope you get it sorted all by the wedding anyway as you sound like a lovely close family.

I would write to him and say what you said at 15:04 and the post after that about travelling to see your nan. Tell him how much he means to you, that his kids have told you how much he's feeling hurt and that you just didn't imagine for a minute that he wouldn't be there that weekend.

As for the drama llama daughters, I wouldn't waste much time on them they clearly love being offended.

Why not write him a letter. Explain what happened, as you’ve done here, and apologise. Tell him how important he is to you and how upset that you are he’s fallen out with you. Tell him you’d like to clear the air and make up before the wedding. Then you’ve tried, sit back and see what comes back.

His daughters sound young and childish. However I think an 18th is probably more important a milestone than a 40th and I can see why they were upset (they were barely grown up).

@Veeziekn33ze Nan's sister is sharp as a tack and had rung my aunt that morning as she often does and my aunt mentioned we were visiting later, so she popped in for a while to see us. But she too left when the baby was not well and screaming, to give my aunt, the baby, my cousin and her fiance peace.

I literally have no idea where the BBQ came from! I think perhaps when I spoke to my uncle I may have said something like, we were just having sometime to eat and would love to come over and see them shortly.

Thanks @MyKingdomForBrie and @Honeyroar. All noted. :)

Bloody hell they are milking it aren't they? I get the initial upset but this just petulant children being drama queens. The cynic in me has to wonder if your uncle is a 'sensitive soul' crying at your wedding, or someone who feeds off attention.

Good grief they sound exactly like my cousins! Way too much 'reality' tv if you ask me, everything has to be turned into a big emotional performance. I cannot get my head round people who cut family, who they have known their whole life, over one minor miscommunication. Honestly, I really wouldn't bother with them. They have shown just how much you mean to them, which is not very much.

@Handprints2018 My uncle is genuinely sensitive and kind. I don't think there's more to it thankfully.

@AnguasDogCollar The "drama" word had been mooted a few times now and I'm inclined to agree. It was just an unfortunate misunderstanding and myself and my aunt apologised. I would like us all to just be back to how we were.

Hi all.

Finally spoke to my uncle tonight. He acknowledged that I've got the flack off his daughters, mainly as I was the only one who contacted them after they unfriended family and I in effect got both barrels with all the pent up anger and upset that was simmering.

My uncle said he has no grudge towards me over the fictitious BBQ and understands now it was a misunderstanding, but that at the time he was so upset and his daughters saw that. He said he loves me very much and also mentioned there were underlying tensions in the family that I'd not been aware of.

I also spoke to his wife and youngest daughter and they both two said they have no grudge and they all said they respected me for not only trying to tackle the fallouts and the time, but also for being so adult by making the call to ensure there were no malice, before the wedding.

I told him I was hurt that nobody has been to my town to visit me in 12 years, so he's promised to make more of an effort.

I'm really happy that the air is cleared, especially as we're on the same table at the wedding.