AIBU to ask WOHMs about their commutes?

[Camomila]

I know its a daft time to be posting but DS keeps waking up (last back molars coming through) and I'm wide awake and looking at jobs online.

Anyway my question is WIBU to look for full time jobs 1h train away when DH also works 1h away and DS is nursery age? If you do it, is it maneageable or are you permanently running into nursery at 6.25pm just before it shuts? DM is local and would be around for emergencies but I feel it'd be taking advantage to get her to pick up DS every evening.

Is a nursery closer to where one of you works an option?

We'd both be doing Brighton - London, so not unless we fancy taking DS on the train with us. Plus his nursery is lovely and
less than 10mins walk from our house and the train station.

I have an hour commute each way.

The way me and DH handle it is that one of us does nursery drop off, the other does pick up.

Hard but works.

I work an hour away from my DDs childminder and DP is 40 minutes away. He does the morning drop off and I pick up. It works for us but I am always rushing to pick DD up and have to leave work no later than 4pm in case of tube or train delays.

Would you be relying on southern rail to facilitate both your commutes. Southern are shocking and unreliable and likely to cause only stress and anxiety around arriving on time and being on time for pick ups etc. If one of you has a different more reliable commute then this would be better and do you have a back up of support of friends / family?

Yes we would
Luckily DM and DF are both around for emergency pick ups, just wouldn't want tp rely on them too often. DH also has flexible working so he can leave early or late depending on how rubbish the trains are.

The fact you have support will help enormously and alleviate lots of angst. So I suppose the important question is about how you feel about the longer work day that the commute will entail and in the short term is it worth it for you and the rest of the family?

I think the commuting bit would be tiring but it'd be worth it for the rewarding career vs the type of jobs available locally, and of course the money! I've been studying this year and we always end up overdrawn by the end of the month. DH is finding it really stressful. DS is very sociable and always wants to be out so I have no worries about upping his nursery hours.

Thanks all, my gut feeling was also 'hard but doable if you have support'
Going to try and sleep now!

DH and I have more than an hour's commute. DD is 4. We don't have any help available. I'm going on maternity leave soon with my second baby and I don't know if I want to go back after as I feel like the only thing I ever do is commute, work, eat and sleep.

We've done it with nursery age children, it's about 1 hour 20 door to door for us (including train, including Southern- but there are a few different routes available to us too which eases the pressure). The thing that really helps us is being able to work from home. DH WFH two days a week and I WFH one day. It really eases the pressure re commuting for us, and having to get back in time? Also being able to flex hours so one of us starting slightly later, the other finishing slightly early. Depending on the role, would those things be possible?

Dp commutes an hour, I commute an hour 20. It is absolutely fine, but I am often the parent rushing back to pick up from out childminder at 6.25! The dc only go there 3 days a week, though.

The trickiest thing I've found is getting to the school if the dc need to be picked up because they're sick, but if you have a local relative that might not be so difficult for you.

I would take the job, the commune will seem normal very soon.

Commute!

Before I moved to the north of England I used to rely on southern rail and it was a complete ordeal. If it’s the dream job I’d be genuinely looking at other childcare options that can do later

I do the Brighton-London commute with a toddler as a single parent with 50/50 custody. I have to rely on flexible working and working from home to fit with my days, and also have my mum locally to cover in emergencies

I do a 1.5 hour commute (on a good day). DH’s is only slightly less. However I only go into the office 3 days a week, and he 4, so we are only both commuting on 2 days which makes emergencies easier and reduces the childcare hours. On days we are in, one does nursery drop off and one picks up. As a pp said, do you have the option to work from home one day a week? If DH has flexible working, could he consistently start early and finish early, to make pick up easier?

What would be your total commute time, ie door to door? My train journey is 20 mins but total commute 1hr door to door. I’d be concerned that London to Brighton would be a lot more than 1hr door to door, unless you live /work right by the stations each end.

Could DH drop to less than full time? Could one/ both of you do some kind of compressed hours? Agree with the working from home option of at all possible.

We both work an hour away from work but he does drop offs and I do pick ups. I finish at 5pm and have to pick up at 6pm. It is stressful, I am not going to lie. I have to walk out of important meetings that haven’t quite finished, I am literally stuffed if the train is delayed and have been fined for being late before. I sometimes have to run fro the station to the school which is about a 12 minute walk. I am nearly at secondary school age now so it is nearly finished and I have managed. So it is doable but if you can build in even a small time buffer (which I couldn’t) then try to. If you have emergency help if the trains are cancelled completely (which does happen), then that will help massively.

I have a 3 hour commute 3 days a week (so 6 hours total on the train). Other days I’m at home or close by. My dh only has about a 15 minute commute (by car). We have no family help. We divide up the week and each have our days we are responsible for everything.

I think an hour is totally manageable with some flexible working and juggling. Could you each work from home one day a week? Then arrange your hours so one of you works early and the other late. If ever there are train issues or sickness, at least you have your mum.

We do it; it makes the day tight but I’ve gotten used to having to leave on time. As you have someone in case of train delays that will reduce the stress

I start early at 8am so I can leave around 4 and get back to collect. I also work from home two days. Dh does drop offs

DH and I did/do this although we have always had different routes and I have only worked 3 or 4 days a week since DC1 was born. DH has a slightly later start time so he does drop off most of the time with me only doing it if he is away or has an early meeting. We then have set days for doing pick up and check with the other if we need to change it.
Like you, we do it for interesting jobs & more money. We are lucky because our DC are very healthy & rarely get sick. I work in a traditionally inflexible environment but have a supportive boss & team whilst DH works in a very flexible environment.
It is knackering and you will feel pulled both ways. Be prepared for your DS always being the last one at nursery and the tug on the heartstring when you pick up - although that does depend on the nursery. At the one my DC went to, the manager role was a job share and one manager always had them stood by the entrance waiting in their coats & the other would have them involved in the setting up for the next day.
You do need to be very organised. Hopefully a London salary means you can afford a cleaner. Online supermarkets are your friend as is Amazon prime.
Finally, make the most of your DS being at nursery with it's 8am - 6pm, 51 weeks a year provision. School is a whole different ball game!

I do it, but have a workplace that is flexible with start / leave times so I leave a bit earlier and work on the train and again at home for a bit

It's a bit stressful but doable if you can split drop off and pick up and can flex start and finish times.

We did it for several years until we managed to get into a position where DP (full time) works 2 days a week from home and I (3 days per week) work one of mine from home. I go in (2 hour commute each way) on the days DP works from home. So one of us is always at home. Works very well but appreciate we are very lucky. We are both in quite senior professional roles in the public sector.

We still use after school club for eldest DC on the days I work but don't need to use breakfast club. Younger DC still in nursery which closes at 6.

We were in the same position as you, right down to the same locations. In all honesty, no. Because it’s not just an hour, it’s 52 mins on the train but there’s the travel either side too, so you are looking at more like 1h30 to 2h. When they first go to nursery they pick up every bug going. Who will collect them when they’re sick and need to be picked up sooner than in 2h? If something were to happen to them would you really want to be 2 hours away and at the mercy of southern rail to get to them?

I think for me it would depend on how reliable your transport is. Trains round here are constantly delayed/cancelled/leaves on the line etc so I would be late regularly.