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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask whether you give your second child things of their own`

93 replies

Kneehigim · 01/03/2019 16:38

Don't ask the train of thought that led me to this because it's a long wandering path starting with watching MJ and the Jackson 5 perform I'll be there.
They were all so beautifully turned out, could you ever have known what life they lived.

Anyway, the mind wandered a bit, and I had one toy that was purely mine (I had an older brother). And I loved it. But it got me to realise that any toy I had as a kid was never mine, it was always my brother's or to share

So, do you ensure your second and subsequent children have things that are purely theirs?

I think the eldest gets an unfair advantage in life sometimes.

OP posts:

Nothinglefttochoose · 01/03/2019 18:53

If course. It would be mean to give the second child only hand me downs. Why would anyone think that’s okay?

llangennith · 01/03/2019 19:03

Youngest DD says she did well having two older siblings. She shared their toys and hand me downs plus she had her own new ones. They're grown up now but she admits she had a hard time sharing HER toys but was quite happy to have their toys shared with her😄

Pinkprincess1978 · 01/03/2019 19:04

I have a ds and a dd so there was very little passed down so yes the majority of my dd things are new or just hers.

Roomba · 01/03/2019 19:14

DS2 does well as he gets toys and clothes his brother grew out of that he likes, plus he gets things bought for him, just as much as DS1 did. He even worked this one out himself (he's 6) and commented on how he was lucky because of it.

I don't buy DS2 stuff for the sake of it if DS1's stuff is still fine for use though. Whereas my cousin buys everything brand new for her DS2 as she can't stand him having second hand (then moans she's skint ).

Chocolateheaven123 · 01/03/2019 19:31

I have a boy who's just turned 2 and am expecting again. If this baby is a boy then he'll have most of DS's clothes at the start. We'll also pass the toys down that he's outgrown, and are reusing most of his baby stuff as it's all gender neutral. However, this will only be for a year or two until the youngest develops their own likes and personality. After that, then they'll each get their own stuff.

Original poster

Kneehigim · 01/03/2019 19:39

@Justajot That's exactly what I'm talking about!
I think you and I must be the only second children commenting as nobody seems to have a clue what I'm talking about.

OP posts:

goldengummybear · 01/03/2019 19:42

Yes. Things that were well worn were replaced, once they get to a certain age there's a "trendy" character that older siblings may have missed the craze for or they simply had different interests.

Original poster

Kneehigim · 01/03/2019 19:51

I think the difference is that ownership never passed to me, even though I could use my older brother's toys. They were always still his and being the brat that he was, he never failed to remind me. A lifetime of sloppy seconds.

Mercifully as I grew up, I took up different sports to him, otherwise I know full well that I'd have been given his old hockey stick and he'd have been bought a new one for e.g.
It's something that you wouldn't notice unless you're the second child.
Clothes were never an issue as he was a boy, though I did get hand me downs from randomers everywhere.
I just was reminded of this feeling that I had growing up that I was always second in line.

OP posts:

Tobebythesea · 01/03/2019 20:11

Coming from a different perspective, I’m an identical twin. We had to share a lot but of course we got our own things. We missed out too occasionally because of the situation. My parents understandably couldn’t always afford two of everything so if they couldn’t afford two we sometimes didn’t get one to share (damn you little tikes cozy coupe) too many fights and arguements would result probably.

Growing up I did find it odd that some people would get us one present to share and not two individual presents. We are TWO individual people who happen to look the same and share a birthday.

Bluelonerose · 01/03/2019 20:16

They get some stuff handed down because there's no point buying the same thing twice and toys that never go out cars, Barbie etc but apart from that they have their own.

minipie · 01/03/2019 20:27

Mine are both girls, 2.5 years apart and are expected to share their toys, except for special soft toys they sleep with, and except for things DD2 is simply too young for (safety). But both are expected to share and no snatching or “that’s mine” is allowed. The fact that one DD was given the item does not allow them to grab it if the other is playing with it.

It sounds more like the problem for you OP was your DB’s nasty behaviour going unchecked rather than not having new things of your own per se.

SmarmyMrMime · 01/03/2019 20:37

Two DSs with a close age gap and a lot of overlap in interests. A lot is communal for practical reasons. School uniform is shared as they are close in size so I'm not picking between things like white polo shirts. Their preferences are accomodated though, DS1 only wears shorts, DS2 gets the pristine token trousers and stocked up with what he needs, DS1 has enough shorts to accomodate DS2 in the warmer months. They share a room and a large wardrobe and are near enough in size to share rather than analysing every label when sorting clothes.

DS2 gets a lot of hand me downs, but he does get random new things because he would love them and they're not to DS1's taste. Some of DS1's very well worn "signiture pieces" get retired off as they are too tatty to pass on and they are so strongly DS1's style. DS2 often wants the same as DS1 anyway so they get things bought in duplicate.

Toys are pretty communal. They are bought individually, but as they favour things like Lego, once the model has been built and disintegrated, it goes communal. Special cuddly toys are personal.

We're not quite at the console stage yet, the old Wii is treated as a family item. We have one TV so any new upgrades would probably be a family item with ownership of particular games.

I tend to promote sharing as beneficial to all as it's double the amount avaliable. OP's issue is a possessive dog in the manager sibling that's been facilitated by the parents who haven't established fair boundaries on private ownership and mutual sharing.

AnguasDogCollar · 01/03/2019 20:40

I have 2- and some things we kept to pass on (big things like cots etc, and baby toys elder Dd had outgrown) but of course they both get their own toys! We're on a tight budget, so their presents at Christmas were second hand or cheapy things from Poundland or whatever- but thry each had their own. They each play with eachothers things but it's very much a two way street.

I feel a bit sad for you. Having to get up in the night to sort out your bedwetting sister is not a normal thing to expect a child to do. If you feel hard done by it's understandable.

Agree with poster up above. Treat yourself to a big cuddly teddy, or some lego, or whatever you want, and have it be YOURS. You deserve it.

LaurieMarlow · 01/03/2019 21:00

So - DD1 has more new things, but DD2 has more things overall

Same for us.

With toys for example, DS1 started with nothing and we built up over the years. Whereas DS2 has inherited a tonne of stuff as a starting point.

Socksey · 01/03/2019 21:04

I suppose I see things from the other side.... as the oldest, i always had to share everything with younger siblings but they got to have and keep their own stuff and didn't need to share....
Yes, I may have been the first to have some of the second hand clothes from other family members, but on the other hand was also made to wear a very much too small (for my already much smaller younger sister) outfit because it was so cute and sleeves were up to my elbow....
Younger siblings are still allowed to get away with anything by parents 40 years on.... and they wonder why I don't bother much with them now...
Btw... there's a lot more to it than shared stuff ...

TiggeryBear · 01/03/2019 22:01

DC1 is 3yrs old, DC2 is 8months. DC2 is now playing with DC1's outgrown toys (stacking cups, dangly toys with teething ring legs, rattles, etc) whilst DC2 has a few new rattles, special bedtime cuddly toys (eldest has a similar bear & chose a toy animal the same animal as their special animal 🤷‍♀️) etc. I saw no point in selling the shape shorter once DC1 outgrew it as we always intended to have another reasonably close in age (2-2.5 years ish)only to then have to buy another

blackteasplease · 01/03/2019 22:08

Mine have their own things.

Ds has it pretty good as he has his own things, particular for birthday and Xmas, plus loads of handmedowns from dd. She was into quite alot of things that he is - Lego, pirates etc - so he's done well!

MerryBerryCheesecake · 01/03/2019 22:19

Isn't this thread more about your brother being a rotten spiteful little shit, your parents apparently feeding that and making you feel like less than him.

Sorry, don't mean to offend if he wasn't that bad or grew up to be the world's best big brother.

You sound very sad about the whole thing and I think you have the right to. I was the fifth child, came along after the others were all adults. Also the only girl. I had plenty of my own things but I always felt like the family afterthought, actually not wanted really.

blueskiesovertheforest · 02/03/2019 08:04

Kneehigim that's absolutely text book - the second an older sister particularly slips from being kind, selfless, turning the other cheek, accepting and understanding that the younger sibling is (eternally) too young to know any different, and making allowances she's "bossy" . The go to insult to the older sister (who can never win because she's expected to be "responsible" and stop the younger one coming to harm or getting into trouble, despite being a child herself, using some kind of superhuman skill set which avoids looking bossy or unkind).

Kneehigim you obviously had shit neglectful or disinterested, or overwhelmed parents who failed to enforce the fact that passed on toys became your property, but that's not normal. More often parents expect the oldest child to share a sort of parental responsibility for the younger one, especially when it comes to the emotional well being, company and entertainment of the younger child, which especially in the past parents wouldn't expect to have to bother with once they had more than one child.

llangennith · 02/03/2019 23:20

Isn't this thread more about your brother being a rotten spiteful little shit, your parents apparently feeding that and making you feel like less than him.

^
This

Original poster

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 23:27

Yes, he was and still is the golden child. He was a spiteful jealous little shit and still is. A successful one, but a shit nonetheless.
PFB I guess, and then my sister came along many years later after several miscarriages, so she was also the golden child!
I was just a randomer lol.

OP posts:

Fiveredbricks · 02/03/2019 23:28

What a bizarre thread 😳

Middle child syndrome much OP?

Nothing to do with the fact you just didn't stand up for yourself, no?

Fiveredbricks · 02/03/2019 23:29

Sounds like you're the one that was spiteful and jealous... and I say this as a middle child. Get a grip. Really.

Original poster

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 23:31

Well no, I didn't stand up for myself or I'd have seven shades of shit beat out of me!
I'm not spiteful. Jealous, sad, resentful yes.

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 02/03/2019 23:42

She shouldn't have had to stand up for herself, her parents should've done it for her.

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