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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask whether you give your second child things of their own`

93 replies

Kneehigim · 01/03/2019 16:38

Don't ask the train of thought that led me to this because it's a long wandering path starting with watching MJ and the Jackson 5 perform I'll be there.
They were all so beautifully turned out, could you ever have known what life they lived.

Anyway, the mind wandered a bit, and I had one toy that was purely mine (I had an older brother). And I loved it. But it got me to realise that any toy I had as a kid was never mine, it was always my brother's or to share Sad

So, do you ensure your second and subsequent children have things that are purely theirs?

I think the eldest gets an unfair advantage in life sometimes.

OP posts:
BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 01/03/2019 17:10

Mine are into polar opposite things, plus my eldest trashes most things so I dont get to hand down pretty much anything

hammeringinmyhead · 01/03/2019 17:11

I have one child but even if I were to have another I would buy new things. I've already passed on almost all outgrown clothes to my cousin who is having a baby and lives 200 miles away. I think books should be to share but it's important to let all children choose some of their favourite things and interests.

Toooldtocareanymore · 01/03/2019 17:16

I don't think I agree at all, I think often the later kids get so much more, one reason is my family is getting older and have more time and money to spend, and more importantly the eldest has worn us down so much. You could say my its true 'cos youngest has never got new bike but this is cos as he's not much interested in bikes and got his sisters, but this means he didn't loose out, she would have got it as her main present one xmas- whether she wanted it or not that year as she had grown out of hers, he always gets something else he wants , and her old bike with new tyres when he grew into it- for no special reason. Yes he's inherited things but there is never a birthday or xmas or other occasion he's not spoilt rotten by us, gp's etc he got things at an earlier age as they were second hand and not so precious i'm thinking of things like Nintendo ds's, my eldest had to wait years for it, my ds is on his 4th at 12years old- only last two new.

But also my eldest is so good to him and maybe that's the difference she'd always share , and he adores her so anything of hers usually has a higher value.

EhlanaOfElenia · 01/03/2019 17:19

@Kneehigim - go to the toy store, choose the most adorable teddy bear you find, and buy him for yourself. Who cares that you're a grown up. Buy yourself something special to cuddle. You thoroughly deserve it.

ohtheholidays · 01/03/2019 17:21

All 5 of our DC have they're own stuff.

2 of our DC each have they're own x box's,3 have tv's,4 have ipads and 1 has a computer and they all have they're own mobiles.

None of them have ever had shared presents apart from huge presents like a large trampolene for the garden,a large climbing frame,a see saw,swings and 2 slides.

Those weren't bought as specific presents for a birthday or Christmas they were bought as a gift for all 5DC from me and my DH for them to have for the garden for the summer time.

BrusselPout · 01/03/2019 17:22

Of course the first born has to share? Your brother had to share with you if you had to share with him?

Fullofregrets33 · 01/03/2019 17:22

Yes they have seperate but mainly because they are a stereotypical boy and girl so like different toys

Worldshohohokayestmum · 01/03/2019 17:26

Yes my second child gets everything of his own but he's a boy and my eldest is a girl and there is 7 years between them so not really sure what they would share to be honest although he does have her old cot

JRMisOdious · 01/03/2019 17:28

Bit of both, waste not want not.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 01/03/2019 17:28

We do, but if either of them wants to keep something entirely sacrosanct (eg Lego, certain toys, etc) then they must return them to their room after play. Anything in the playroom is fair game. The same applies when friends come over- you don't have to share your toys but you do have to remove anything you don't want played with. It really only applies to very precious Lego creations that we don't want broken up.

Each child does get their own toys though, they know whose is whose right down to the last wretched brick

Gatehouse77 · 01/03/2019 17:30

They all have their own toys and shared toys.
When they were younger they did not have to share any new toys on the day they received them - birthdays, Christmas, etc. Thereafter, it was up to them.
Some things like kitchen pieces, forts, etc. were usually shared because of the game they invented. Same with dressing up.
As babies, some things were handed down but they were generally equipment - baby gym, inflatable doughnut thingy - rather than toys as such.

greenpop21 · 01/03/2019 17:34

I'm the youngest, had lots of hand-me-downs and lots of new things or clothes made for me by Mum.
Also had my own things for Christmas and birthday.
I have 2 DD so as same sex the youngest has had many of her sister's clothes and toys but again many of her own. We have also bought things for them to share such as an iPad, instruments etc so the eldest has had to share.

blueskiesovertheforest · 01/03/2019 17:37

Kneehigim how do you work out that the oldest never has to share? Surely in your scenario they were also getting presents to share with you - probably too young for them to accommodate you!

I am the eldest and always had to compromise, everything revolved around the younger children and nothing was geared towards me. If I wanted to go anywhere with friends later I was instructed to take my sister/s. They had my old stuff plus their own new stuff so far more stuff! I always had to play with them when I just wanted to read or listen to music alone. I always had to make allowances - when I was 8 I had to be understanding about a 6 year old taking my stuff, when she was 8 and I was 10 she was apparently still too young to understand but I had to be the bigger person (no special needs).

Older children are expected to share everything often, and the shared things are geared to the younger one because the younger can't/ doesn't want to do or play what the older likes.

Consider both children. Too much is usually expected of the older and the younger is usually babied.

NataliaOsipova · 01/03/2019 17:38

Two DDs here. I mix it up a bit; DD2 has some of DD1’s old clothes (the ones she likes) and I make a point of buying her some new things of her choice when I buy things for DD1. So - DD1 has more new things, but DD2 has more things overall. She seems very happy with this arrangement! She’s also had a lot of things (iPad, toys) at a younger age than her sister did (because her sister has had them). So I think it’s evenly balanced.

BartonHollow · 01/03/2019 17:42

As the youngest (at that time) Of multiple female siblings and cousins and friends daughters

At around 7 I lived in Hand Me Down

But I also went on to have plenty of things of my own

All our toys were in one place and everyone played with everyone's even if they specifically belonged to a sibling

I don't consider it a hardship I consider it normal family life

And we only all got territorial about not sharing and "my x" as stroppy teens which is par for the course

nokidshere · 01/03/2019 17:43

I'm the second of 6, but at least my things were only second hand and not 6th lol. I don't think I ever had anything brand new just for me when I was a child, and certainly my younger sisters never did.

I have two boys now 20 & 17 and, whilst I always passed on useful things or clothes - no point wasting good stuff after all - I always made sure they had some new things of their own that they didn't have to share if they didn't want to.

Willow2017 · 01/03/2019 17:43

Mix of both with my 2 boys.
Some are 'thiers' some like board games are to share.
Clothes were also a mix of hand me downs and thier own.

Now they are teens they have thier own tastes and only basics like hardly worn tshirts or school uniform are hand me downs.

Expensive things like xboxes are shared.

All baby toys and equipment were passed down but they did get thier own particular toys too.
Its a balancing act. They need things that are just thiers too.

dontknowwhattodo80 · 01/03/2019 17:43

A bit of a mixture? If anything I'd say DS2 does better as he's got his own stuff and also DS1's old stuff Grin

Original poster
Kneehigim · 01/03/2019 17:44

Oh well we have the bossy first borns coming out now!

Maybe mine was an extraordinary family. *Shuffles back into cave

OP posts:
Original poster
Kneehigim · 01/03/2019 17:49

I'm not talking about hand me down clothes.
I'm talking about hand me down toys that my brother would snatch off me because they were his! He didn't want to play with the damned things, he just didn't want me to play with them.
So I had one rag doll. ONE THING.
And that's a memory I have from age 3, so it has obviously stuck with me. The unfairness of it.

I could play with his toys if he allowed me. But I had none of my own.
Sad.

OP posts:
BartonHollow · 01/03/2019 17:51

I think that definitely isn't a usual experience OP Thanks

Cookit · 01/03/2019 18:05

I feel like your experience is very unusual OP.

isseywithcats · 01/03/2019 18:10

i had boy girl boy with 4 and 3 year gaps between them so yes they all had their own toys and clothes the only big thing they shared was the cot it lasted through all three of them, the only toys they shared were board games

5SleepingLions · 01/03/2019 18:15

I have 5 children so of course they share things but they also own a lot of their own things.

Justajot · 01/03/2019 18:29

My DD2 has lots of her own things. She has different interests to DD1, which helps. Toys are mostly stored in our playroom which reduces the sense of individual ownership.

I'm a second child, so I am quite aware of the issues that come from being a second child. I remember being given a calculator for secondary school and my DB trotting off to get his old one so that he could give it to me as he assumed the new one was for him. Luckily my mum was also a second child so was having none of it. He also tried to swap some of the things that my parents bought me for university.

I don't think I'd have wanted to switch places with him though. My parents were more chilled about me and I had a few great years as an only child when he left home.