He wants to stop me from moving

[BarbarAnne]

Recently split up with my ex. I've moved in with a family member who lives 50 miles away from my ex. We have a son who is under 6 months. Things are amicable so far but he is objecting to me living an hour away. He told me that I cannot live that far away from him and that he expects me to move closer. To a place that I've never lived before and have no support network, and also no easy access to my work. Where I have moved now, I'd like to stay. I lived there for 2 years before, have friends and family there and know the city very well. My argument is that it's only an hour and it's important that I have support. He says I'm unreasonable and that I should move closer to him. He can't move closer to me because he has a son that already lives 20 miles in the opposite direction.

Surely he can't expect me to live close by for the rest of my son's childhood years? Surely it's better that I have a support network near me? Surely it's not right that I isolate myself like that during my mat leave and make work difficult?

I don't know what to do. Any advice? We are going to mediation, but I'm scared they will make me drive miles an miles to see him on weekdays and every weekend which I can't afford and won't allow me to have my own life.

What is reasonable here?

I think he is being unreasonable to expect you to move nearer to him but also you need to be reasonable and not expect him to have to come to yours every time for access to your child.

You should perhaps alternate with the handover - ex pick up one time, you deliver him.the next time and so forth. After all you wouldn't have your DS without your ex.

It is in your child’s best interests to be near both parents

It's only an hour away!!!

We split, I moved 30 mins away. I tend to faciliate contact by taking DD 3/4 of the way and picking her up from same place each time. Doesn't mean I'll never ask EXH to travel but at the moment it suits ok. She does 1 overnight on a weeknight and then 1 overnight and full day each weekend. So Wed overnight to Thursday and he drops her to school Thursday morning. He then has her Saturday evening into Sunday and all day Sunday until tea time.

It works for us. I know your baby is smaller but I think 1 evening per week and roughly half of each weekend is fair enough. Otherwise the kid is like a bloody shuttle cock being bashed backwards and forwards all the time.

You mention you can't afford the cost of travelling 3 nights per week plus one weekend day and I don't think you should as that is paying full costs. If you alternate then you both stand the travel costs which is very fair.

If he was hands on before you split, I’d say it’s not really fair, but given he only wants the giggles and cuddles I’d be buying him a squishy, giggly teddy bear and telling him to travel if he wants to see DS

Do NOT set a precedent if doing the travelling. If he wants to see DS, he can do the travelling. DS doesn’t need to be spending hours in a car seat so ex DP can control you.

He can ‘expect’ all he likes, you don’t have to oblige.

Why did you break up with him?

OP YANBU.

Your XP cannot dictate where you live nor stop you moving and no judge would intervene in your situation. It's a no brainer for you to live where there is support for you and DBaby, as you will be doing majority of care for your baby.

Also you don't have to do the travel to facilitate contact. Not being able to afford it, is a sound reason in this case. As is how tiring it is when you are doing all the waking nights.

He doesn't sound a hands on dad. He WILL learn, as you won't be there to do it for him when DBaby is old enough (and not ebf) to go for longer periods. So that will be lovely to have a break which you haven't had so far.

Your XP doesn't get to dictate to you where you live and expect you to drive baby there and back for 2 hours several times a week (especially not at a time after work that suits him through rush hour, & after babies bedtime!)

It's nice of you offer to do pick up (don't offer drop off, take it from me). Only you know how reliable he will be and whether you want to share travel or meet halfway etc. It's always good to work together if you can but it won't be court ordered if you have good reason not to. If you'd moved 4 hours away then maybe it'd be fairer to share.

Given his long working hours, he'll get EOW when proper overnight contact starts as I doubt he could do midweek as well given his late working hours and well... young baby. Right now he might want to travel down to you & do short daytime contact.

My XH moved 5 mins away, then moved twice more, 1 hour away (2 hours in rush hour on motorway), then again so he was 3 hours away. He tried to get judge to force me to drive DCs for travel (I can't drive that far, spinal condition... and even without that...) Judge told him he was being unreasonable- he said "MrBedhampron you have 12 days off a fortnight so to expect an exhausted RP mum to drive 6 hours there and back all day Sunday into the evening when she gets he.to then have dinner to start to cook for.3 DC, homework and preparations for school & nursery to make for Monday morning as well as her work and children's routines & baths to settle into bed, is not in my opinion a reasonable demand and I will not order such".

Judge told my XH if he wanted contact he would make suitable travel arrangements himself. Judges differ but my XH got told off repeatedly by different judges as he was litigious and awkward. I facilitate contact but I am not anyone's dogsbody (except my DCs!)

Really tho' an hour isn't much and if you are kind enough to share pick ups, that would be a good thing to do. But right now your XP needs to do driving to you whilst you are ebf -ing and whilst it is only a short contact.

I decided to move to a new area with my kids. I do all the drop offs and pick ups. Why should my ex have to travel when I chose to move? 🤷‍♀️
He'd meet me half way if I asked him too but I don't think that's fair:

So neither of you are living where you previously lived together, is that right? He's moved closer to his other DC, and you've moved closer to your family, which has ended up with you being about 1 hour away from each other.

You shouldn't have to do so much driving, and you should stop doing it now. If you continue to do it a court might think that as its the status quo it should continue. Make him start doing all of the travel.

He wants me to do the driving in the week as he's working atm. I can't afford to do that, financially or time wise. It's too much.
But it's okay to expect him to do it? You move away you have to put yourself out to facilitate contact. And vice versa.

The midweek trips are not in your DC''s best interests. Contact with his father may be, but being dragged out at tea time to fall asleep in the car, be woken up again, wound up then put back in the car to fall asleep three nights a week is madness - when his father could travel to him and oh I dunno, feed, bathe and put him to bed. But that might be too much like parenting?

It's the baby who your ex should be thinking of, and I feel he's trying to control you. The baby won't get into a routine if it's shunted back and forth at the time it should be having a bedtime routine.

I do think if you move you should do the travelling - and this is what is said time and time again on here. I've seen this come up repeatedly in court - and judges do tend to direct when requested that the person who moved does the majority of the travelling (in some cases all of the travelling).

In terms of contact your baby is soooo tiny at the moment but the whole EOW is the 'norm' is nonsense - a lot fathers have much more than that.

It is in your childs interests to have a happy mother but your child also has a right and should be encouraged to have a relationship with their father (obviously not in cases of abuse, safeguarding concerns, etc) - that is putting a child first. I would stay where you are but be flexible on travel and contact - a lot of people don't see their children till 6pm every night when working, so may be EOW with an evening (and if you could co-parent effectively you could decide on a day to suit you both).

Personally I think YAB a bit U but I appreciate I will be in a minority here. I think the onus should be on the person that moves to do the travelling

^I agree. You chose to move away, then you should do the travelling.

I can completely see why you've moved away, but I too think YAB somewhat U. It might be off the point and irrelevant, but I'd also consider the reason for the split i.e. is it of his own doing through him having an affair, did you decide you didn't want him any more and initiate the split - or was it a joint decision? Not saying you must answer - just thinking rhetorically.

However, I think YABU to be worrying about OTOH having to drive 'miles and miles' (and the associated costs) yourself for handover but that you seem to consider it a trifling distance and cost for him to have to keep travelling exactly the same distance.