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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He wants to stop me from moving

63 replies

BarbarAnne · 01/03/2019 12:05

Recently split up with my ex. I've moved in with a family member who lives 50 miles away from my ex. We have a son who is under 6 months. Things are amicable so far but he is objecting to me living an hour away. He told me that I cannot live that far away from him and that he expects me to move closer. To a place that I've never lived before and have no support network, and also no easy access to my work. Where I have moved now, I'd like to stay. I lived there for 2 years before, have friends and family there and know the city very well. My argument is that it's only an hour and it's important that I have support. He says I'm unreasonable and that I should move closer to him. He can't move closer to me because he has a son that already lives 20 miles in the opposite direction.

Surely he can't expect me to live close by for the rest of my son's childhood years? Surely it's better that I have a support network near me? Surely it's not right that I isolate myself like that during my mat leave and make work difficult?

I don't know what to do. Any advice? We are going to mediation, but I'm scared they will make me drive miles an miles to see him on weekdays and every weekend which I can't afford and won't allow me to have my own life.

What is reasonable here?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarAnne · 01/03/2019 14:07

@Birdsgottafly he loves the fun stuff. Giggles and cuddles. Changed a few nappies. Never did one overnight and didn't so much as offer to help me overnight. When I asked he said 'isn't that what your maternity leave is for'. Had to point out to him that clothes are important for our baby and that he might want to contribute (I bought everything). Hands him over as soon as he cries or gets fidgety. He's a nice dad but he's not that good in terms of the not so fun stuff.

Overnights will come later. Once he's old enough I will happily roll with overnights but whilst he's breastfed and very small it is out of the question and definitely not best for our son. To be honest I'm worried I'm going to struggle to meet a good person who will take me on as a partner with son included. It might actually be nice to have a free weekend eow... as much as I'll miss my son!

OP posts:
woolduvet · 01/03/2019 14:08

Moving makes a great deal of sense for you and your son. But you can't just move away and say the dad has to travel. There's been loads of threads on here where dad has moved and they both share travel.
That's what makes sense, you moved for your benefit and have to share travel for your sons benefit.

Original poster
BarbarAnne · 01/03/2019 14:09

@woolduvet I'll happily travel. I just don't want to end up in a situation where I'm doing 100% of the travelling because he already has a daughter and works 7-6 mon-fri. I would never refuse to travel if it's reasonable.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 01/03/2019 14:12

Give him a week and then you do a week. If he can't be arsed then that's up to him.
Or get him to do the pick ups, then if he doesn't turn up then that's a win for you.

FriarTuck · 01/03/2019 14:16

Personally I think YAB a bit U but I appreciate I will be in a minority here. I think the onus should be on the person that moves to do the travelling
This ^^. It's not fair on one parent to have to travel to maintain contact with their child just because the other wants to move. And it's not fair on the child either. While your child is a baby you'll presumably expect him to come to you, then when your child is doing clubs and activities at the weekends either they'll have to miss them on his weekends or he'll have to be travelling all the time.
I know it's the done thing on Mumsnet to screw your male ex over, but this is just as much about the child and screwing them too.
But tbh an hours drive isn't much, and if he thinks it is, sod him, isn't his child worth the drive?
By that reckoning surely OP should consider living in a new place away from friends & family worth it for her child to have decent contact with their father?

Original poster
BarbarAnne · 01/03/2019 14:21

@FriarTuck since we split he's come here to see his son once. I've been there 4x. It's not sustainable but I assure you I don't expect him to do all the travelling.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/03/2019 14:28

Well presumably he has to fit it in with contact time with his daughter as well. And presumably his daughter might want to have a relationship with her half brother so certainly whilst overnights are not involved its reasonable to expect you to travel.

Original poster
BarbarAnne · 01/03/2019 14:33

I have no issue with travelling I just can't do it all and can't do it 2/3 days during the week as well as weekends.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 01/03/2019 14:35

Have you agreed on visitation.
How often will it be, you do half.

Original poster
BarbarAnne · 01/03/2019 14:39

@woolduvet not yet. He wants to see him 3 nights in the week and one day of every weekend. He wants me to do the driving in the week as he's working atm. I can't afford to do that, financially or time wise. It's too much.

OP posts:
headinhands · 01/03/2019 14:40

The fact that he thinks it's acceptable to try a force you to move tells me why he's an ex already.

PanamaPattie · 01/03/2019 14:40

It’s only a hours journey. It takes me longer to get to work some days. Stay put. Your support network, job etc is more important for you and DS than the ex’s needs.

SalliSunbeem · 01/03/2019 14:41

3 nights a week sounds too much to me.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 01/03/2019 14:54

If a woman came on and said her exh had moved then she would be told he had to make the effort to travel as he had been the one to move. Of course its your choice where you live but you must be prepared to travel at least half of the time to allow contact

Indeed

No he cant make you move but you will need to share the travelling/drop offs etc

Original poster
BarbarAnne · 01/03/2019 14:55

I have no issue sharing travel!!!!

OP posts:
thefirst48 · 01/03/2019 15:01

So he finishes work at 6 but expects to see the child 3 nights a week. How does he factor in spending time with the child, then you and the child spend an hour travelling home, where does a reasonable bedtime fit in. The man is delusional, weekends or holidays are the only time he can see his child really. 50/50 travel should be agreed,

LostwithSawyer · 01/03/2019 15:12

3 nights in the week plus every weekend? Sod that!
Thats too much.
1 night in the week and eow I'd be offering.
He can't make you do anything but also you need to be willing to work with him.
One trip he drives to you the next you drive to him.
When baby gets older you could meet halfway for drop off/pick ups.

cordeliavorkosigan · 01/03/2019 15:14

OP says she will travel, already!
You are not unreasonable OP. Not at all . At the mediation, emphasise how what you are proposing is best for your ds (rather than just convenient for you; your DS needs you to have a support network and access to your job).
3 nights a week is completely unreasonable. And I'd make sure in the mediation that the level of parenting your ex did comes out, too.

IsAStormApporaching · 01/03/2019 15:35

Ex and I live an hour apart it is a very workable situation for us.
It sounds like you have a positive life arrange for your dc. You have work, childcare and family support.

And just wanted to state though, if he is working until 6pm at night, he wants to see the child for say 2 hours and then you travel home 1 hour. The baby won't be home until 10pm at night at the earliest. Confused
That's not not the best intreasts of the dc. The baby will be tired and no chance of sorting a proper routine.

His work schedual doesn't seem to permit for week night contact.

M4J4 · 01/03/2019 15:37

No way would I live near him away from my support network.

Get yourself settled in. Don't waver, he'll try and bully you into it.

Is he paying child maintenance?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/03/2019 15:41

Stay with your support network, where you are happy. Happy Mum = happy baby.

You've already said you're happy to share the travel so that's no issue now.

He's just trying to dictate things.

The fact that he has another child in the opposite direction is absolutely not your responsibility.

twooutofthreeaintbad · 01/03/2019 15:41

I can see both points. You have family/friends/support an hour away but it isn't really fair on him or your son to move an hour away from baby's dad is it?

Purpleartichoke · 01/03/2019 15:44

I think YABU. It is in your child’s best interests to be near both parents. If he has an older son, his geography is already constrained so now your is too.

woolduvet · 01/03/2019 15:47

So he'd see the child for approx an hour in the evening and then the child would fall asleep on the way home. Nope.
I'd go for visitation, but put something reasonable in place before you get there, with you doing half to show you're reasonable and putting the child first.
Could you meet somewhere halfway during the week...

janetforpresident · 01/03/2019 15:52

OP tell him you won't move for the reasons you have given and if he feels strongly let him go to a solicitor. Given his working hours and that fact he can't have your baby overnight I doubt he would win. An hour isn't far. He is crazy if he thinks 3 evenings at this age is reasonable.

I would suggest 1 evening and EOW, you share the lifts at the weekend and see what's best for the evening. Moving into the future could he potentially leave work early on say a Wednesday to have longer with your son because if he finishes at 6 it's hardly going to be worth the effort as a young child is likely to be in bed by 7!

I can see his pov but it's not your fault. I would say now you should stay in the area for your son and not move areas again so that he has some stability in the arrangements with his dad and sibling moving forward.

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