friend at work making no effort to stay in touch

[officeworker36]

Hi,

Needing the opinions of new mums really on this please.

A friend from work who I (thought I) got on really well with recently had her baby before Christmas. As colleagues we used to talk or message each other on a daily basis about all sorts of stuff ranging from work issues to family, friends, what we were up to etc. sent each other pictures of random stuff and just generally had a laugh and a giggle. I always thought we got on really well, she used to talk to me about things that were affecting her and she told me she sometimes felt excluded by other members of our team and also of family problems she would be having, I always felt a close bond with her for telling me stuff like that.

The thing is she went on maternity leave before Christmas and I said to her before she left to stay in touch. I thought it would be best to leave her alone for the most part while she was off as I didn't want to be too overbearing. I messaged her a couple of times asking how things were going and she responded but not on the daily basis like we talked before. Then a matter of weeks passed without any contact from her and I then messaged her shortly before baby was due to wish her luck and hoped everything went ok to which I got a thanks.

Then the due date passed and the next thing I heard was a message off our boss to say she'd had the baby and sent some pics. At that time I just felt so hurt that she hadn't bothered to let me know herself after everything we had spoken about before!! I messaged the boss to tell him to pass my congratulations on to her as I didn't feel like I could do it myself. In hindsight I realise she probably did this out of convenience at the time and that it wasn't personal but I didn't initiate any contact myself as I was still quite hurt at the time.

I then received a message from her a few weeks later that was nothing to do with the baby but just some random chit chat stuff, I messaged back and told her baby was lovely etc and she said thanks and again we talked for a bit that day and the next and eventually we got on about Christmas parties and I asked if she was wanting to do anything. She said she would try but it depended on whether she could get anyone to have the baby, I said we could just do lunch or go for coffee and she should bring baby with her but I never got a response. So I thought I would leave it for her to come back to me about it, which she never did.

After that I never heard anything from her until Christmas day when I got what looked like a generic copy/paste merry Christmas message, I wished her one back but that was it, no further reply or anything.

So a few weeks later I asked how she was getting on again and if we would get chance to meet her new baby etc and she said everything was ok and she would sort something. Again that was the end of that.

So I asked again a couple of weeks after that and this time she said she had been messaging the boss about arranging to meet him for lunch. This time I just felt absolutely betrayed, that she'd made the effort to keep in touch with him and arranged to meet him for lunch (even though they've never bothered with anything like that before) but didn't have the common decency to stay in touch with me. So I left it there and I haven't heard from her since.

It's really annoyed me that she has made the time to meet her other friends and even go out for drinks with them, she has even arranged to meet new friends that she's made through baby clubs etc. I get that she has other friends that she classes as her real friends but I just can't believe that she can't find an hour out of her day to meet me for lunch or anything after everything we have been through and talked about. I've tried so hard at work to include her in things and made such an effort to be there for her and be a friend and it just feels like she has used me when she needed an ally and now she doesn't need me I have just been discarded.

I know she will be emotional at the moment and have other things on her plate, but she's still found time for other people and these are people that she's even complained to me about at times.

I just wanted the opinions of new mums really to hear what's going through your heads at times like this as I don't know if I'm just being a selfish idiot myself, but it's really been getting me down as I feel like I am losing a friend no matter how hard I try with her... or maybe I've been a fool and she was never really my friend?

OP, it's lovely that you care so much and it sounds like you've been a lovely friend to her.

Maybe the birth was harder than she said. Maybe she had a bit of a crap time for a few weeks after the birth (maybe she didn't, but nobody might know except for her). I think what's happened here is that she passed on a generic message to the boss with the pics instead of individual ones and you were a bit hurt so passed on your congrats back via the boss - (did he remember to pass them on?) so as far as she knows, you weren't bothered to send her a personal congratulations message.

As for Christmas meet ups, I am a fairly confident person but I was struggling to deal with managing a baby, buggy, breastfeeding in public, being alarmed if the baby cried in public (what do they need? what do I do?) etc. so I avoided non-baby situations in the early weeks and months, even a coffee with a friend was a bit hit and miss because I felt like crap most days, I certainly looked like crap but I felt like I should "have it all together" or people would think I wasn't managing very well. Also the timing of the baby's naps, feeds, etc.

If she's been messaging the boss, it might be because she feels a bit nervous about her job whilst on maternity leave and so feels she ought to prioritise keeping her face in.

Don't forget she'll have a new baby to get used to, loads of visitors (most people love new babies even those friends and family you'd never see otherwise) and a lot of juggling to do.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel a little bit hurt but having a new baby can hit some people very differently. Perhaps she feels safer with her new baby friends - I did, because we were all a bit shell-shocked together! it looks like she can't manage keeping up your friendship to the previous level as before - that's not to say she can't pick it up again when she's a bit further into things. The baby must still be very little. I'd focus on your other friendships, park hers up for a while whilst keeping in contact every now and then.

Agree with PPs. Work friends are just work friends.

I’ve worked in places where I was expected to socialise just because we worked together. I did it out of politeness but had no qualms leaving those “friendships” when I left that place of work.

Most people I know are the same. In fact, I only have one real friend that I met through work and speak to regularly, someone I met 15 years ago!

and also DH but he doesn’t count

Sorry OP. It has made me wonder whether other people read more into it than I thought though so I’d better be more careful in future so as not to hurt anyone!

Also OP - if you have DCs yourself then I have to say (respectfully) that I'm a bit surprised, reading your OP back, that you're so surprised she's different, with a new baby to care for. Surely you must have had some friendships change with children/heard or seen it happen before when other people you know had children come along?

Work friends are just work friends.

Yeah and mum friends are just mum friends etc. I met my closest friend at work so I don't buy that you can't make good friends at work that's bollocks. But may people at work don't become your bff in the long term.....

Tbh OP you haven't made that much effort by the sound of it since she's been on mat leave. I'd try and make some simple plans like meeting for a coffee and see what happens. Then guage from her reaction.

I don't know that I agree from your account that she's 'just a work friend'. She might just be where I am. Is it her first baby?

I had my baby early January and one of the things that has taken me by surprise is how there is not enough headspace for many of my old friends, only the ones with young children who 'get' it. Looking after the baby is overwhelming and as a pp said it's so much easier to hang out with people at that stage too. You proposing to meet her for lunch somewhere? My baby is 8 weeks and that is a HUGE ask! Negotiating the tube with the buggy, worrying about germs, what if she wants to eat, what if she cries, does the place we're meeting have enough room for buggies? Etc etc We've had a never-ending stream of visitors (a different issue) but nearly all of them have come to us

I am less interested AT THE MOMENT in many old friends, purely because 99% of my thoughts are about the baby and it's liberating to be able to chat to other people who are also 99% about the same issues (if a different baby ). As I get more confident I am getting more interested in the friends I've had for 15+ years who just don't happen to be at the same life stage and who would be bored by the poo/cracked nipple/sleep chat. With antenatal group people I don't have to censor myself. I'm also not going to be in this phase forever and will definitely want to talk about work/films/gossip again. So I've probably (definitely) not been as communicative as usual, but they are good friends and understand.

Can you suggest going to hers to meet the baby? Bring food

X

I know for a fact nobody at work has made an effort with her because they don't like her. I didn't think about going round to the house to see her as I thought that would be weird considering she hasn't really kept in touch?

Like I said I've suggested meeting for lunch or for a coffee and I left it to her to suggest a time / date because I'm pretty much available whenever, she just hasn't bothered coming back to me about it. But then I found out she'd suggested to the boss to meet up with him so she's obviously got the capacity to do so.

And like I've said, I've always made an extra effort with her at work as long as I've known her but she never made the same effort with me so I didn't want to be too overbearing while she's been off work. I just expected a few messages every now and then at the least just to keep in touch.

No more messages OP!

I have a two message limit. If someone doesn't respond to my second message then I don't message them again.

A work friend isn't necessarily a poor friend, but they're a very easily compartmentalized friend in my experience.

I was friends with a colleague, would happily have after work drinks etc meet up with our spouses at home, but I was absolutely horrified to learn he'd be in Rome at the same time as me.

If, as it sounds, she doesn't have the happiest experience of work, AND she's got this all encompassing new baby in her life, she probably has you in the category of "one of the good things about going back" - but wants to firmly set it aside for now. Meeting with her boss is a positive step forward for her, not a slight to you. Please don't be hurt by this - I think it's a positive angle!

She might have wanted to see the boss re eg returning part time? Or planning some KIT days or some other important work related issue. She will have made the effort for that.

You were work friends. I had work friends I would probably have trusted with my life but we weren't friends outside of work.

It's odd that you didn't contact her to congratulate her on her new baby. Surely that set the tone for everything that followed?
This ^^ with bells on! She was busy getting ready to have a baby, had it, and then you made zero effort to congratulate her. It's normal to let your boss know - partly to keep them sweet and partly so they know how things are going. You took no interest so she's probably though 'OP doesn't see me as a friend after all'. And having lunch with the boss gives her the chance to talk about her return & possible changes, without having the formality of a work location & feeling she can't bring the baby with her.
You sound quite bitchy the way you're stressing how everyone else hates her. You're obviously taking this very personally but couldn't take the time to think about anything from her point of view, particularly straight after the birth.

I’ve learnt that some people don’t think about you as much as you think about them. Let it go naturally.

It’s so easy to fall into a trap of faux-friendship with colleagues - even when you share personal bonds - that deteriorate once you’re not in their lives daily. It’s the whole “out of sight out of mind” thing. I’ve realised that all the people I’ve made “friends” with via work, I never would’ve been friends with if we didn’t work together. Don’t take it personally.

Possibly going against the grain here, but I think you are absolutely being unreasonable. That actually sounds like an awful lot more time messaging you than I spent messaging anyone when I was on maternity leave. She is a first time parent, with a new baby to look after. Probably getting no sleep. She is staying in touch, just not as consistently as before. And of course she felt she had to make seeing the boss a priority- she'll want to come back in good terms.

I'm appalled by this attitude on Mumsnet that you somehow keep score with friends and how much they message you and go out with you vs other friends, etc. It's juvenile. The whole point of genuinely being someone's long term friend as opposed to just a contextual friend is that you can go long periods (much longer than you are talking about here) without being in touch or seeing one another, and then happily picking up right where you left off when the stars align and you can get together.

I have work-based friends I didn't see or wasn't in touch with the whole time I was on maternity leave. Doesn't mean I don't really value them as friends and we picked up right where we left off when I got back to work. That's almost certainly what will happen here, if you don't ruin the friendship with all this childish jealousy and stupid score keeping.

I'm appalled by this attitude on Mumsnet that you somehow keep score with friends and how much they message you and go out with you vs other friends, etc. It's juvenile.
So very true!

I think I've maybe been a bit of an idiot and expected too much. Looking back I can see the problem was that I used to talk to her about everything and now that she's away from work I miss having her to talk to. I had no right to expect the same level of commitment from her as before.

I feel like a bit of a selfish idiot now. tut

You don't sound selfish at all OP!

I hope things get better at work and there are some nice people.

Maybe even apply for a new job!

You don't sound selfish. You've just realised you were more invested in the friendship than she was. Her priorities have changed as well.

You don't sound selfish. It sounds like she was a fair weather friend and you've just found that out. Of course it's hurtful.

Loads of factors

1. She’s a new mum so fostering friendships with other new mums. So important.
2. You weren’t that responsive when she had the baby so that may have some bearing.
3. You may have put more into the friendship than her. My ex-colleague would have seen me as a good friend but i didn’t really like her (had to be friendly at work) so we haven’t kept in touch.
4. She had to see the boss so met him or her for lunch.
5. Also agree Work friendships are v much based in work even if you meet out of work. I’ve been great friends w work people but not so much when we’ve both moved on and you haven’t got the common ground.

Honestly on the other side of this, I’m on matnleave and thought I’d have loads of free time. I was looking forward to catching up with some friends who are SAHM, someone else on mat leave, a work friend who works part time etc. So far I’ve managed to see one good friend once in her day off with her children, my work friend once, the two friends also on mat leave not at all! It’s not because I don’t want to see them but life seems to have taken over! This coming week I have someone coming to give a quote for work on the house in Monday morning a baby group in the afternoon, two separate trips to the drs on Tuesday (vaccinations in the morning, weaning class in the afternoon), toddler with me on Wednesday morning and playgroup then baby swimming in the afternoon, Thursday currently looks free so probably visiting the neighbour with the broken arm and doing some shopping, toddler home with me on Friday... I have also met people at baby classes who keep inviting me to go for walks or to coffee with them (have managed one coffee and two walks so far!). I really want to start some exercise classes too. On top of this if I’m up a lot at night I tend to sleep in during the morning and be up late, I have to be home in time to make dinner for us all (toddler so have to have decent food), I’m the one at home so I’m also doing all the basic home stuff, washing and tidying, I’m trying to get the garden sorted out and things planted for spring. The baby is breastfed so she can never really be more than a few minutes away and makes doing all this stuff much slower.
It’s quite possible your friend has the best of intentions but just hasn’t managed to make the time!

OP you haven't been selfish! You've sent a few messages to someone you've messaged daily in the recent past and consider a good friend.

I can see why you feel this way. When someone doesn't want to be friends any more it does hurt.

It was not unreasonable to contact her with a few texts. On Mn every women who's had a baby in the last year or two is just a crying, shaking, bleeding mess who can't leave the house and is on the verge of a breakdown. Yes this is true for some. Others feel fine and enjoy keeping in touch with friends via messaging, and meeting up with them sometimes. Some enjoy getting out of the house and showing off baby.

Buttered - any excuse to get out of the house as far as I was concerned. I didn’t really have that thing of ‘no time’ - when you’re up early w the baby by 11am it felt like you’d had a whole day already.
Once I’d established bf and was happy to do it out of the house I was fine to meet people.

JustDance my baby tends to settle down for a nice 3 hour sleep about 7am so if I can (brother at nursery and no other commitments) then I do too. I’m sometimes still in my pjs at 11! Babies are so different that people have very different mat leave experiences.
I do find it a bit odd that someone can’t reply to messages though, that’s one thing I can do while feeding!

OP, I get that you're not happy with the replies, but there's a strong vein of self pity in your posting that might be a factor.

Obviously your post is about your feelings, because you don't know hers, but this retreating into mea culpa, what a selfish girl I am isn't a helpful attitude for either of you in the future.

Yes, be friends with your work people.
Yes, show an interest in the big things in their lives.
Yes, accept that you aren't always the priority.