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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Mum throwing her EA in my face

50 replies

LancsPear · 28/02/2019 17:54

6 years ago I discovered my mother was having an emotional affair with her ex-husband (found messages). When I found out a comment she had made weeks earlier suddenly made sense. It was something to the effect of "don't you worry I've got my retirement plan sorted, I don't depend on you". It was not said in a jokey way and we were not arguing in that moment
I'm currently pregnant with my first child which has caused me to revisit a lot of things from my past, especially my relationship with my mother. I cannot imagine saying such a thing to my unborn daughter. I've always been very good to her despite her difficult personality.

My mother used to work away from home so my siblings would have our house SPARKLING for her at weekends. I discovered a message where she referenced that she didn't have to get off her phone and attend to chores as the kids had sorted it.

I would really value a mothers opinion. AIBU to think she is wicked. I'm seeing so many of her past behaviours/action through a new lens,

OP posts:
Limensoda · 28/02/2019 17:57

Not enough information really.
Exactly how did you find messages between her and her ex?

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 17:59

I was on her phone. She was very protective of it which made me curious.

I never told my father or discussed it with her.

OP posts:
maslinpan · 28/02/2019 18:01

Well if you specifically went and searched her phone, you can't accuse her of 'throwing her EA in your face', can you??

PepsiLola · 28/02/2019 18:03

Why would you go through your mums phone? It seems odd! No one knows the ins and outs of your parents relationship bar them.

If she's being secretive, then maybe it's up to her DH to look into, not her child

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:03

I meant she threw the comment in my face. We were having a normal conversation in which she referenced an affair I was not aware of.

OP posts:
JayneyMc4 · 28/02/2019 18:05

So you sneaked on your mothers phone 6 years ago and now you're out pregnant you believe you'll be a perfect mum, how would you feel if your future child done that to you? Invaded your privacy and criticised you as a parent who worked hard for her? Get over it.

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:05

Yes, it was wrong for me to read her messages. But it's something I was always allowed to do as a nosey kid/teen. The fact that she was suddenly overprotective made me curious. I honestly thought it was because of a surprise present/holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:06

No, I don't think I'll be a perfect mum. Where have I stated that?

OP posts:
Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:07

She said it in a really nasty way when we having a casual conversation.

OP posts:
fotheringhay · 28/02/2019 18:10

I think you should take this over to the Relationships board, and start at the beginning giving more information!

JayneyMc4 · 28/02/2019 18:13

You were aloowed to be rude and nosey? Would you allow your child to behave like this? You're judging your mum and how you wouldn't be like that, wait until you're a parent before being so critical. Your mums private life is none of your business.

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:15

How was I rude? I never said a word.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 28/02/2019 18:15

Why 'wicked' though? More wicked than reading someone else's emails?

What is it to do with you anyway?

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:16

I would bring her a sandwich and cup of tea the second she got home to show my appreciation for the work she did. I did well in school just to please her.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 28/02/2019 18:17

I've got literally no idea what's going on here Confused.

Haffiana · 28/02/2019 18:18

So now you finally find out that your Mum is a Real Person with a life of her own, and you think this is 'wicked'?

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:18

Wicked (maybe a poor choice of word) for referencing her affair whilst having a normal/calm conversation with her daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:20

If you're going betray the trust of your family why not just keep it to yourself. Instead of throwing it in your eager to please daughter's face.

OP posts:
LiftedHigh · 28/02/2019 18:20

I do look back and have a few questions regarding my parents/our childhood, since I'm a parent myself . However they always did what they thought was the best for us all. No one is perfect.
In many ways, it's a difference of opinion rather than either of us being right or wrong.
I do wonder/worry what my kids will make if my choices and behaviour, in return, when they are adults.

There's a saying:
'I too was the perfect parent....before I had kids!'

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:23

She chose to be nasty in that moment for absolutely no reason. All I am saying is that if I were having an affair I can't see myself doing the same.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 28/02/2019 18:23

So she has got her retirement plan sorted, and has told you so. She didn't say 'I am having an affair'. You snooped and you have put some things together and made a cloud cake.

Look, unless you are a fundamentalist Christian or worse, then you need to grow out of imagining that other people's lives are your business to judge.

Haffiana · 28/02/2019 18:27

One of the things about being a parent is trying to teach your children how to grow into adults. If you substitute the nurturing of the development of emotional maturity for a set of societal rules instead, then you get people who can only see in terms of an arbitrary right or wrong.

Are you saying this has happened to you?

Tennesseewhiskey · 28/02/2019 18:27

She told you that she wouldn't be depending on you in retirement and you interpret that as referencing her affair and being nasty.

Yet you are the one that went through her phone.

And you say you cant imagine telling your child you wont need to depend on them for your retirement?

Wtf?Confused

Original poster
LancsPear · 28/02/2019 18:29

No that's not what she meant at all. She never left my father.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 28/02/2019 18:30

Have I misunderstood - did this happen 6 years ago?

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