AIBU Mum throwing her EA in my face

[LancsPear]

6 years ago I discovered my mother was having an emotional affair with her ex-husband (found messages). When I found out a comment she had made weeks earlier suddenly made sense. It was something to the effect of "don't you worry I've got my retirement plan sorted, I don't depend on you". It was not said in a jokey way and we were not arguing in that moment
I'm currently pregnant with my first child which has caused me to revisit a lot of things from my past, especially my relationship with my mother. I cannot imagine saying such a thing to my unborn daughter. I've always been very good to her despite her difficult personality.

My mother used to work away from home so my siblings would have our house SPARKLING for her at weekends. I discovered a message where she referenced that she didn't have to get off her phone and attend to chores as the kids had sorted it.

I would really value a mothers opinion. AIBU to think she is wicked. I'm seeing so many of her past behaviours/action through a new lens,

You are being massively unreasonable and judgemental

You shouldn't be snooping.
From the little info I assume your mum was a good mum, provided financially and emotionally

What she does privately is none of your business

Don't assume you won't make mistakes as a mother whether intentional or deliberately. I'm sure you wouldn't want your child judging you for that

This is really confusing. You found messages (whatever they were?) SIX years ago and think she's throwing an emotional affair in your face? Why wait so long to do anything about it? Do you want to do anything about it? How was her comment about retirement referencing the affair?

I'm not sure how you've come to the conclusion your mother is wicked. You snooped and read some private messages between her and her former husband and came to the conclusion she was having an affair? Was she actually cheating on your dad, or did she simply have a friendly rapport with her ex (as many people do)?
As for you and your siblings doing the chores, that's hardly unusual. I'm not sure I understand why you're so worked up about this.

I’m really confused. Why are yo upset that she said she’d look after herself in old age??

Is there a back story?

Op are you quite young?

What an odd thing to worry about.

You say you did well at school just to please her. How well did you do? what job do you do now?

AIBU to think she is wicked

Nothing you've said here would make me think she's wicked.

As a child you spent a lot of time trying to please her so she would be happy. When in fact it should have been the other way round.

She was selfish and clearly self centered. Sometimes our parents are not who we want or needed them to be.

It's an odd comment for her to have made out of the blue, but I don't see how it's necessarily a reference to her affair with her exH and even if that is what she was referring to, it's not very "in your face" at all, though since it was out of the blue it would seem to have been entirely unnecessary.

You seem really resentful of her. It's not clear whether she deserves that or whether you're projecting a whole lot of the fairly typical anxt about childhood onto your mother. You don't come across very well - very emotional reaction to sparse and mild events along with snooping into things that really are not your business. But I also think it's easy for trauma to be hard to articulate, and so these little events become the things you can talk about because the rest seems overwhelming and you don't even know where to start.

If you've actually covered the extent of it in your post, then YABVU and would probably benefit from getting a grip and maybe a bit of counseling if it's something that's affecting your life. If there's actually a lot more too it, I would suggest trying on a different board (_chat ? Relationships?) with a lot more of the story. Because there are a lot of people on here who have managed to recover from toxic parents and they can probably provide a fair amount of support and guidance.

My head hurts

Her comments about her retirement plan not have been aimed at you op. Just because she said it to you.
Secondly there have been decades and decades of misery you are unaware of, as comments go your mother’s are definitely at the ‘milder’ end in my view.
Certainly nothing for you to be so offended.
Calling her wicked etc seems extreme.

Good for her to get help with the house if she was working. I am sure many mothers do the same. Nothing wrong with looking out for each other.

Mine does too @AnyFucker

YABU. I dont see the issue tbh.

I was on her phone. She was very protective of it which made me curious

You were curious?!!
It's a bit wicked to nosey on her phone!!

Wait....... What?!?!

Have you missed a bit out? I can't see proof of an emotional affair. I can't see any throwing of it in your face.

Her retirement comment need not relate to a man surely. Mine doesn't.

Sounds like you've got issues tbh. Maybe your mother is totally normal and you're the one with the problem? Certainly sounds like it with your snooping and over eagerness to blame your Mum for everything you did as a teen. ("I only worked hard at school to please my Mum" etc - hardly sounds like you were hard done by)

I'm so confused. I can't see anything wrong with what she said? The affair is wrong of course, if you're correct that she did have an emotional affair. But you still sound like a child trying to make it all about you.

Just odd.

Ok, let me understand : you thought it was appropriate to snoop through your mum’s phone because she was being secretive. You thought it was about a surprise present or holiday and in spite of being an adult, thought it was ok for you to snoop? I would say, regardless of what comment was ‘thrown in your face’, you were completely in the wrong to be snooping through her phone. I would suggest you act like a mature adult and mind your own business.

I found a light snack before bed made settling easier.

Or you could split the taxi fare. Especially if you have booked a holiday during term time.

Anyway some women like privacy to breastfeed.

OP I think there’s more background to this isn’t there. I’m reading between the lines but using my own experience as a guide, I’d wager your mum has been emotionally abusive in the past, with you feeling your family life and behaviours were how normal families were and now you’re having a child, you’re questioning that. You’d be right to question that because there’s a couple of things you mention in your OP that sound like they might not be ok.

I’d get your thread moved the relationships board as there are people there that will understand where you’re coming from and will be able to help unpick how you feel.

Op go to the stately homes thread, you might find more help and advice there.

I can see that maybe that her remark sounded smug and mysterious at the time and then potentially made more sense in retrospect seemed to click. But that's not flinging an EA in your face.

It's horrible that you've become aware of your mother cheating on your father, but you seem to be seeing everything in very stark moralistic terms.

Perhaps she got annoyed as it is none of your business? Being pregnant is irrelevant. Stop causing trouble, she is still your mum .

Mmm, what do you mean by an emotional affair anyway, OP?

If your mum is close to my age, my generation didn't think anything was an affair or anything to be ashamed of unless sex was involved. I still have problems gettting my head around the idea of an emotional affair being something to be ashamed of.

As for not depending on you in her old age, you should be glad.