Fed up with ex. Am I being harsh?

[GordonMieke]

I left my ex recently. He was horrid to me. When I say horrid I mean horrid. I was constantly on eggshells and all it would take was for him to come home in a bad mood to make me uncomfortable in my own house.

I've told him many, many times that it's over. I have no feelings for him anymore...

He's now making out like it's my fault. Like I shouldn't have left. I should've worked on the relationship. That I'm taking his DCs away. That I can fall back in love with him.

I know it's over. I don't love him anymore.

I am bad with words. I feel sick even getting a message from him. How do I communicate that I am allowed to leave a relationship guilt free because I deserve to be happy? To make him see I'm not doing anything wrong? Or is it completely pointless?

I think right now he’s probably going to keep trying to guilt trip you. You need an affirmation to remind yourself you should not feel guilty.

I think it’s pointless, he’ll probably see any communication as a chance to win you round in these early days. Reduce communication to arrangements for the children and go “grey rock” for anything else. Well done for leaving, good luck

@Duchessgummybuns grey rock?

He's just sent me a long message about being a family. That my feelings can change if I try. It's infuriating. If we could just change our feelings just like that nobody would ever get divorced or separate. It doesn't work like that.

It's driving me insane. I feel incredibly sorry for him but incredibly angry too.

I feel incredibly sorry for him but incredibly angry too.

This is what he wants, for you to feel conflicted and be browbeaten into taking him back. Don't do it.

Tell him you will only communicate one last time that the relationship is over and for the sake of your DC he needs to deal with that and get to a place where he can communicate with you on parenting things only.

Don't entertain the 'relationship' conversation at all.

Only engage in arrangements for the kids and any other loose ends, such as finances etc that need tying up.

Stick to that and he will eventually get the message.

Be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

I would send him a message you have worked on the relationship, that you gave him xx amount of times to change being horrid to you and he didn’t take them. It was him being horrid to you that made you fall out of love with him and that’s not going to change. Therefore the fact you have left is down to him and as he would be changing how he behaves, and you have fallen out of live with him there will be no second chance

I'm willing to bet any money that you DID work on the relationship. That you were the one trying and trying to make it work, until eventually came the straw that broke the camel's back. I bet you told him a few times that you were unhappy about certain things. He probably turned it back on you and made out you were the unreasonable one or that it was all your fault that he was in a bad mood. Whatever.

This is just a power play. He is trying to make out that he is the reasonable one, that you are the unreasonable one, (he probably even believes it) and he is also trying to get you back under his control. You have taken as much as you can take and it is over for you. I agree that you should not engage with all his attempts at emotional blackmail and just ignore it all. Do not try to justify or explain yourself to him, because again he will turn it all back on you.

Well done on getting out and good luck with it.

I did try. I even tried being super nice to him even when he was angry. Didn't work. I tried changing my personality for him. Didn't work. I tried agreeing with him and I even joined in slagging off his ex because I knew that would make him happy. I reached a point where I didn't recognise myself. I used to be kind, and confident, and compassionate. I'm not a shell of the person I was before and I want to be the best me for my son.

I just don't know how to make him realise that IT IS OVER!

You don't have to make him realise anything anymore GordonMieke, he simply is not your problem any more.

Communicate about arrangements for the children, anything else just delete, don't engage, you don't need to try to justify yourself to him at all.

It took me a long time to realise that you can leave a relationship unilaterally. It is not your problem whether the other person wanted our or not.

*out

Unless it's about the DC, don't engage. Don't reply.

Google 'Grey Rock Technique'.

PS: No, you're not being harsh. Must be infuriating!

You don't have to make him realise anything anymore GordonMieke, he simply is not your problem any more

Absolutely.

So he's in denial. So what? You've told him - he chooses not to listen. You've left. As others have said, keep communication to bare essentials and DO NOT enter into any discussions about "the relationship".

It's not your job to alter his thinking. He's been presented with the facts and it is up to him now to process them.

Look I feel certain you’ve told him all of this already? He’s not listening and making it all your fault because he’s horrid.

You are good with words. In a few short paragraphs you’ve given a flavour of your very unhappy marriage and your futilile attempts to make it better- which, incidentally I’m delighted failed, changing for someone like him could only make you very unhappy.

So either ignore his messages or send one short and succinct last message and then ignore or block him and set up a separate method for arranging contact.

Enjoy your new life. I’ve got a feeling that you are going to suddenly find you are much more capable and confident than you thought. I hope you find it back very soon.

Sounds exactly like my ex, I've had to be quite harsh and spell out that we will never get back together. By nature I'm really nice and don't like to see anyone hurt so it's been hard but I think he's getting the message finally! Just stick to your guns, good luck!

Googling grey rock now...

"The grey rock method of dealing with a narcissist when no contact isn't an option"

Fabulous!

His problem not yours. You can leave a relationship whenever you like regardless of how the other person feels.

You don’t make him have to understand how you feel but you do have to make him understand your boundaries. To his next text, reply : I have no interest in getting back together with you and that is the last I ever want to hear about it. You can contact me about the kids anytime but our relationship is not up for discussion. If you continue to harass me about our relationship I will be left with no choice but to change my number and we will then have to find a middle person so that we can have no further contact!

I feel like he's never going to get his head around it. It's driving me crazy. I hate how he's trying to make out that I'm an awful person for leaving. I worry he will try and poison my son against me when he's older.

Go low contact or no contact with him. It will take time but he'll move on eventually. Well done on getting out!

People keep telling me I'm brave but I just feel really, really weird.

Is he the dad?

@PutyourtoponTrevor yes he is