Fed up with ex. Am I being harsh?

[GordonMieke]

I left my ex recently. He was horrid to me. When I say horrid I mean horrid. I was constantly on eggshells and all it would take was for him to come home in a bad mood to make me uncomfortable in my own house.

I've told him many, many times that it's over. I have no feelings for him anymore...

He's now making out like it's my fault. Like I shouldn't have left. I should've worked on the relationship. That I'm taking his DCs away. That I can fall back in love with him.

I know it's over. I don't love him anymore.

I am bad with words. I feel sick even getting a message from him. How do I communicate that I am allowed to leave a relationship guilt free because I deserve to be happy? To make him see I'm not doing anything wrong? Or is it completely pointless?

He's now asking me to meet up with him with his son. Saying things like 'if you can't come earlier I will see him longer on Saturday' etc (we don't even have plans for Saturday). He's so frustrating and I know if I say I can't do Saturday he will just go mad and say I'm keeping his son from him. The reality is he lives 60 miles away and won't travel here regularly (because I moved and he thinks his family have the right to easy access to their grandson every weekend) so expects me to drive there, every weekend. I can't afford it. I'm on SMP and the reality is that he was horrid to me, I left and that's just tough.

Do you have court ordered contact?

If not tell him not further contact until he arranges mediation, only agree to shuttle mediation. Agree fixed contact - EOW is typical plus 4 weeks during school hols alternative Christmas etc.

When he fails to stick to it tell him to take you to court for contact.

He will dick you around until then.

@RandomMess DS is only 4 months and ebf. We live 60 miles apart. Solicitor said he would have access 1 day a week initially but I'm still unsure.

Tell him like it is he treated you like crap your moving on to better things and he can beg you until his blue in the face but you are not going back. Lets face it if you did give it a few weeks novelty wears off and your back to square one. Tell him your happier now than you have been in a long time and you want to stay that way. If he carries on i would consider reporting it in case he becomes stalker like.

Argh!

Offer him one day a week at a time to suit you, he can like it or lump it...

Suggest you meet towards half way in a public place

He's going to go apeshit 😥

So? He goes apeshit, his problem not yours. He needs to move on, accommodating him will make him think you are interested. Put it all in the hands of your solicitor, it is what you are paying them for.

He is no longer in your life, he may be in your son's life but not yours.

If he really wants to see his son he will travel the 60 miles. Making you do the traveling is a control thing, I would set a day, time and place to meet and get him to travel to see you even if it's half way. If he refuses to travel then he can't say you are keeping his son away from him. I would also get it in writing. Well done for leaving.

You don't have to put up with his behaviour, if he goes apeshit ignore him, if his behaviour gets threatening or he turns up at your door, report it to the police. Show him that you aren't taking his shit anymore and he can't treat you badly and get away with it.

Let him go apeshit, it will happen sooner or later so get it over with.

Stick to a public place where he has to behave himself.

You could offer either Sat at x time or Sunday y time (assuming he works Mon/Fri). Turn up, wait 20 mins then leave if he doesn't arrive. If he tries to negotiate days or time just say no.

Take back control.

Grey rock is ace, just stick to it like glue. Offer some contact options near you at times he doesnt work, he travels. Not in your home. If he goes nuts, just keep saying these are the contact options respond no further. Communicate in writing text WhatsApp. Don't start a conversation he can turn about.

Please don't stop him from seeing his son. Is a good dad who loves his child?
Every other weekend? That's shit..how would you feel? My husband had years of this from ex re his boys who he doted on. It nearly broke him and me. Terrible way to go on preventing contact. But it's his responsibility to come to him. I wouldn't say it's your responsibility to go to him every weekend. It's about being fair and reasonable re the baby, not about the adults and trying to hurt or get one over on each other. All thsee messages about reducing his contact, what a crock of shit. He has a right to spend time with his son as much as you surely??

I feel for you. I had the same. Grey Rock is the way to go.

Do not enter into any kind of discussion and try to ignore all communication unless it's about contact. Contact is not your responsibility to facilitate. He must collect and return DCs and you do not have to be present.

If you are concerned about him having contact, you can apply for supervised contact through a contact centre.

If he 'goes mad' at you about anything, report him to the police. I'm serious. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable and is now recognised as domestic abuse.

Big hugs and good luck.

@PinkGinFreak he did this himself. He was emotionally abusive towards me. He was horrid. Why should he have lots of contact with his son? He will know him but I'm not driving 120 miles 2/3 times a week for him to see him. He can see him one day out of every weekend as the solicitor said was reasonable. Emotionally abusive men deserve no favours from their abusees in my opinion.

I wish I could report certain things and wish I had but it never occurred to me that it was abuse! As I've found is common from my short time on mn. Aggressiveness via text message now he's cottoned on that he's abusive hardly seems a reportable crime

Harassment is though