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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to be a bit more supportive

42 replies

Whatamidoingwrong86 · 27/02/2019 20:42

Not sure if this is me being self indulged and expecting too much, or if DH should be more supportive, or even interested in my life!

For background, 2 DC (nearly 4) year old twins) we both work full time. I work in an office role I love, dh works shifts including a lot of nights. Both mid 30's. Haven't had the easiest couple of years since DC arrived. Have been through individual counselling (me) and joint counselling.

I have recently been promoted. Have worked so hard over the last 3 years since returning to work after DC and was recently offered a management position. Have never been interested in a management role until I started here as I really enjoy what I do and can see myself progressing further. Have spent the ast 3 years juggling work, DC and Dh as well as trying to run the house (input from dh is minimal)

Dh is on nights this week so I have done all nursery drop offs and pick ups (which I 100% don't mind as I love doing them) but it does mean arriving at the office a bit later and having to leave earlier, but I make up some of this by logging in when DC is in bed. Dh has done nothing this week. And I mean nothing. 3 days in a row I have asked him to empty the dishwasher and it's still full when I get home.

Last week I asked dh if he could pick DC up from nursery as I needed to stay late for a meeting and he refused as he was busy (he was on a day off) so I rearranged things and managed to leave early (possibly frowned upon but DC comes first)

Last week I asked dh about the possibility of swapping a night shift as I was asked to be away with work which meant an early start, dh's answer was that it was far too complicated to do that so why should he help me.

Today, after a particularly tough day in the office, I received a complimentary email from a more senior manager praising my efforts and thanking me for something. I was really pleased by it so came home to tell dh.

His response- the guy obviously wants to get into your pants.

Just struggling to find a balance at the moment I guess to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:
Arowana · 27/02/2019 20:45

You are not being self indulgent OP. Him refusing to pick up DC when you were working and he had a day off is shocking. I’d like to see his reaction if it was the other way around!

Merryoldgoat · 27/02/2019 20:46

You’d be happier without his shit, that’s for sure.

What was he like before kids? How involved with parenting is he?

FWIW my DH does two drop offs a week so I can get to work early (I work 3 days), cooks dinner every night, bathes the children as much as me, does bedtime more than me and shares nighttimes with baby.

He’s not a shift worker but we both have senior and responsible jobs.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/02/2019 20:48

He doesn't sound supportive at all from what you've said her.

When he says the things he does, what do you say back to him? If he says "it was far too complicated to do that so why should he help me", did you ask him why wouldn't he want to help you - isn't that what DH's do? Otherwise what's the point of being married?

As for "the guy obviously wants to get into your pants" - how demeaning for you. I'm sorry he is treating you like this, but you need to spell it out to him that his comments are out of order.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/02/2019 20:48

He's not on your team. What happened in your joint counselling?

PtahNeith · 27/02/2019 20:53

It would appear he considers you to be his skivvy.

meladeso · 27/02/2019 20:55

That makes me so sad for you and so angry.
You're working your whatsits off and doing AMAZING and getting jack shit from him.
How unsupportive and selfish.
I'm so sorry.
You need to read him the riot act.

Singlenotsingle · 27/02/2019 20:55

He's jealous. Jealous because you've got a good job, doing well and getting compliments and promotion. He's feeling insecure and threatened, he's refusing to help with the house and dc because he doesn't want you to succeed. You need to talk to him and explain that this is for everybody's benefit, not just yours, and he needs to contribute for everybody's benefit.

ChocatelyClaire · 27/02/2019 21:00

It sounds like he has issues with the fact that your hard work and potential has been recognised. Would it have killed him to say Well done at your compliment?!
The house stuff is difficult, may be try and have a reasonable conversation about what he would be willing to do? Did you chat about the possibility of him being expected to do more when you got this position? I'm assuming this job means you are earning more so he can't play the breadwinner card as much.
Joint children equals joint responsibility but in practice getting men to see that is notoriously difficult unfortunately.

CheshireChat · 27/02/2019 21:35

And his good parts are? Because he's definitely getting a great deal here, but not sure there's any advantages for you.

What would happen if you refused to do stuff? Particularly things that affect him?

museumum · 27/02/2019 21:41

What the hell? Why are the children your responsibility more than his??

I would NEVER tolerate my dh not doing the childcare pickup if he was off and I was working! And to be honest he wouldn’t even suggest it!!!

NCforthis2019 · 27/02/2019 21:42

He's an arsehole. A rude, jealous, fucking arsehole. I am so angry on your behalf. If the tables were turned, i bet you would be so supportive/happy for him. I would either get a cleaner or stop doing his laundry (ive done this before btw. When you cook, cook for you and the kids until he realises he needs to help. Let him deal with his shit - you have enough to deal with. Because a man cannot compliment a woman on hardwork without wanting to get into her pants right. He sounds useless. I would struggle to be with someone like this, but you know him best OP. You shouldn't be the only one to keep everyone happy - you both should, and if not, then its not working.

Que0 · 27/02/2019 21:46

He is jealous if you OP, simple as that. You make him feel inadequate.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/02/2019 21:50

So not only is he a lazy arse he's also undermining you by assuming that the only reason you'd be praised at work is so someone can shag you? Is he always such a prick?

I know it's easy to look in on here and say "I wouldn't tolerate that" but what's he bringing to the table in the relationship? He doesn't pull his weight emotionally or physically - he's essentially another child for you to raise. I'm not sure I'd be willing to waste my life raising an adult alongside my own children.

choli · 27/02/2019 21:52

Tell him he's not doing it for you, he's doing it for his children. If he still refuses to step up and do his share then stop doing anything for him and make plans to leave. And never ever phrase a request to do his share as 'helping'

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/02/2019 21:52

You are not being precious OP. He should be supporting you to progress in a role that you obviously enjoy. It’ll benefit the whole family after all.

It does sound like he’s jealous.

My dh works shifts and I have, what sounds like a similar job to yourself. He has always supported me, he’ll allow me time to log on after the dc have gone to bed whilst he makes the sandwiches for the next day. If needed he’ll take a shorter day to pick up the dc from schoool etc etc. That’s how it should be!

I also think, even if you both had the same job, he really needs to start pulling his weight with childcare and household chores! I find it appalling he wouldn’t collect the dc on his day off. What a lazy fucker... I’d start dividing the chores 50/50 from now onwards

Froglette16 · 27/02/2019 21:58

MerryoldGoat I want to swap husbands! 😂

BeanTownNancy · 27/02/2019 22:04

so why should he help me be equally fucking responsible for his children

Fixed that for you.

choli · 27/02/2019 22:11

Does he pay for half of daycare or is that on you as well?

Phineyj · 27/02/2019 22:14

I normally pick up DD on a Tuesday. Yesterday I was responsible for a big event at work and realised I might not get back in time. Texted DH, he shuffled things around to do pick up. No drama. That's what co-parents do. Your 'D'H however...

Phineyj · 27/02/2019 22:15

Ok also, a "bit"?! Your expectations are way, way too low.

Merryoldgoat · 27/02/2019 22:27

@froglette16

He’s amazing - far from perfect but where he counts he’s fantastic.

I could do with more sex... but he’s always tired... 🤔😂

CheshireChat · 27/02/2019 22:54

Merryoldgoat have you tried doing more of the housework so he's less tried and in the mood WinkGrin.

Merryoldgoat · 27/02/2019 23:09

That’s man’s work @cheshirechat 😂Grin

Froglette16 · 27/02/2019 23:17

Gotta love it!

LannieDuck · 27/02/2019 23:20

So you both work FT? Does he do any of the childcare / housework, or do you literally do it all?

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