Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To expect DH to be a bit more supportive

42 replies

Whatamidoingwrong86 · 27/02/2019 20:42

Not sure if this is me being self indulged and expecting too much, or if DH should be more supportive, or even interested in my life!

For background, 2 DC (nearly 4) year old twins) we both work full time. I work in an office role I love, dh works shifts including a lot of nights. Both mid 30's. Haven't had the easiest couple of years since DC arrived. Have been through individual counselling (me) and joint counselling.

I have recently been promoted. Have worked so hard over the last 3 years since returning to work after DC and was recently offered a management position. Have never been interested in a management role until I started here as I really enjoy what I do and can see myself progressing further. Have spent the ast 3 years juggling work, DC and Dh as well as trying to run the house (input from dh is minimal)

Dh is on nights this week so I have done all nursery drop offs and pick ups (which I 100% don't mind as I love doing them) but it does mean arriving at the office a bit later and having to leave earlier, but I make up some of this by logging in when DC is in bed. Dh has done nothing this week. And I mean nothing. 3 days in a row I have asked him to empty the dishwasher and it's still full when I get home.

Last week I asked dh if he could pick DC up from nursery as I needed to stay late for a meeting and he refused as he was busy (he was on a day off) so I rearranged things and managed to leave early (possibly frowned upon but DC comes first)

Last week I asked dh about the possibility of swapping a night shift as I was asked to be away with work which meant an early start, dh's answer was that it was far too complicated to do that so why should he help me.

Today, after a particularly tough day in the office, I received a complimentary email from a more senior manager praising my efforts and thanking me for something. I was really pleased by it so came home to tell dh.

His response- the guy obviously wants to get into your pants.

Just struggling to find a balance at the moment I guess to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:

DoctorDread · 27/02/2019 23:35

My exh was like this op. You have my sympathy. What's he like normally?

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2019 23:54

So, management role you say?

Your DH does shift work? So will you be senior, better paid, higher up a ladder?

He doesn't want that for you, it is going to sabotage it at every opportunity. That's why he won't help or lift a finger at home.

I doubt he'll change.

Motoko · 28/02/2019 00:46

You're married to a dick OP. Obviously the joint counselling didn't work.

He thinks your role is to do the housework and childcare, you know, the women's jobs.

He'll never be an equal partner, you should get plans in place to leave him.

Who pays for the childcare, you?

AliDran · 28/02/2019 04:31

I work constant night shifts, I also have to do all the school drop off and pick ups, as my husband is at work at that time. Surely he can do at least drop off or pick up if not both?

Original poster

Whatamidoingwrong86 · 28/02/2019 06:28

When he isn't on nights then he does do pick ups more often and will occasionally cook dinner, but I am still left with the remainder of the housework.

We both pay childcare and half towards the household Bill's etc.

There have been a few comments since I took the new role about how he is having to pick up more roud the house, and that I am not doing enough anymore.

I was also recently praised after running a intense workshop and again the response I got was I'm a suck up!

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 28/02/2019 06:38

He sounds awful.
One of those men that will pull you down.
What are you going to do op?
Have you pointed that out to him?

givemesteel · 28/02/2019 08:38

What a pathetic little excuse for a man.

He is obviously threatened by your work success and sounds actually like he's trying to sabotage it - I actually cannot believe you had to leave work early to pick up your dc whilst he wasn't actually working.

You need to stop putting up with this ridiculous situation.

You're both working the same hours so he needs to start contributing equally to the relationship in terms of childcare and housework. You need to have a serious chat with him and say that you'll no longer put up with it and agree on what roles you'll both take on.

If he makes a comment like he did about a colleague wanting to get I your pants, the response is 'how dare you', don't accept him putting you down.

I would give it 6 months to try and your relationship out of the dark ages but if he won't change then you have no choice other than to leave.

Butchyrestingface · 28/02/2019 08:42

He sounds nasty. And this is him post counselling?!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 28/02/2019 08:42

He's horrible. What happened when you went to joint counselling? Would you go again?

In the short term make sure that you are not doing his personal domestic duties, eg making his lunches, picking up after him.

I'd also start squirrelling away an escape fund.

If he's never going to say anything nice stop expecting it - tell your nice friends and family. Tell us!

Congratulations on running a kickass workshop OP

LannieDuck · 28/02/2019 08:43

and that I am not doing enough anymore.

Have you pointed out that you're doing far more than he is?

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 28/02/2019 08:46

Suggest a conversation with him, pointing out his behaviour, looking at the household responsiilities and divvying them up fairly and equitably. It's unacceptable that he refused to do the nursery run on his day off. If he refuses to act as part of a team with joint responsibility for chores and DC, I would have a trial separation. Leave him, take the kids, claim maintenance and give him set contact time (or offer 50% with no maintenance?) and see how he manages then.

Shoxfordian · 28/02/2019 08:58

He's not supportive or proud of you
Is there anything good about this relationship?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/02/2019 09:00

It sounds like he resents you and your success. He is having to do more around the house - his share! Why does he not see that as the other adult he has a responsibility for 50pc of the housework?and 50pc of childcare? The not picking up your children because he's busy on his day off is disgusting. As is his 'why should i' attitude which implies he thinks home and children is nothing to do with him

YANBU to expect more. I do understand that working shifts is difficult (for instance I wouldn't be expecting him to get up in the middle of the time he would be expected to sleep to pick kids up, or be doing noisy housework when everyone else is asleep) but he should manage to empty the dishwasher at some point!

I think you need a serious chat about all the jobs and childcare that need doing. List each one individually - absolutely everything such as food = meal plan, list missing household items, shop, put shopping away, cook, store leftovers, clear up, wipe surfaces, clean pans, put washing up away, empty dishwasher. Do this for every single household and child related task. And put down initials against who normally does it. Once it's in black and white he can't deny you do 90pc. Why dors he think that is OK given you do 50pc of money earning work?

Would you be able to manage as a single parent? It sounds like you pretty much are right now.

If pick up and drop off become harder as you need to be more flexible at work, can you find a childminder to help? As I have a feeling he is going to let you down next time you have something really important to do at work

FrozenMargarita17 · 28/02/2019 09:03

He sounds like a nasty little man.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 28/02/2019 09:08

Dunno about "a bit more supportive"
He doesn't sound supportive at all.
He sounds jealous and insecure.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/02/2019 09:09

You also need to ask him to stop making comments about your colleagues. It is inconceivable to him that your colleagues are saying you're good, because you're actually good!? What about when female colleagues say you're good? It's disrespectful to your colleagues as saying they're unprofessional and sleazy and disrespectful to you as implies your work itself isn't worthy of praise

It sounds like he has some deep seated beliefs around women and their role in the family and at work, and that may be very difficult to change.

Do you have daughters? What would he say if someone praised them at school? Does he think it's worth them getting an education or just expects them to get married and look after the home?

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 28/02/2019 09:19

He's a jealous, nasty piece of work arsehole who wants to tear you down adn who sees you as a skivvy. Please go back to counselling on your own before he destroys your self-confidence. Tbh, I'd leave and look into a nanny share or au pair type arrangement for childcare because if anything you won't have his mess to clean up.

Flip

1 2