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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex who goes to prison, what to tell the child?

64 replies

MsFrosty · 26/02/2019 16:02

If your ex was going to prison and could be sentenced for more than 18 months, what do you think is reasonable to tell an under 10 year old? Child and ex have a regular relationship so ex being missed would be noticed. Do you tell the child the truth?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 26/02/2019 18:38

The father is already dishonest thus going to prison. Unfortunately one of the consequences of his dishonesty is losing control over who gets to know about it and the fact that his child will know he’s dishonest.

Why should the mother have to lie on behalf of a thief? I wouldn’t. I would probably facilitate contact though which would otherwise be very difficult.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/02/2019 18:39

It's up to the mum, who will now be doing (if she wasn't before!) 100% of the parenting, including looking after her child's emotional wellbeing. So - her call.

Even if that weren't the case, she also has the right to refuse to lie to her own child about something so important which could damage her own relationship with the child, so again - tough luck.

Thirdly, it will come out. So it's simply stupid to pretend - all you'll do is hurt the child and damage their trust.

Child should be told.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/02/2019 18:40

Also - more than 18 months, and the dad is suggesting telling child he's 'working away'? Oh please. Where - on the moon?!

notsosmartagainagain · 26/02/2019 18:42

I told my son his dad was working away. He was only four and contact had been inconsistent up until then. I was not prepared to take him to visit in prison given his dad wasn't prepared to commit to seeing him beforehand and I didn't want him to think it defined him. It was a fairly serious crime.

He will have to be told the truth at some point when he is old enough to understand and I have to hope that he will see that it was for his protection.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/02/2019 18:46

notsosmartagainagain that sounds like quite a different situation and it must have been very difficult for you. Hope it all goes well in the future. I bet there are some good books on this that you could read with your son when you're ready.

MadameJosephine · 26/02/2019 18:52

Tbh I think the child’s father gave up the right to make that kind of decision when he committed the crime.

I would absolutely be honest with the child, if they find out (and they will) they will be devastated by the lying even more than the dad being in prison. Why would you want to risk jeopardising your own relationship with the child to protect the father.

IvanaPee · 26/02/2019 19:02

@speakout you don’t need clarification!

It’s totally irrelevant and nobody’s business what OP’s relationship to the child is!

@OP, I think the child should be told a truth she can understand.

If she knows what prison is and can understand the difference between heinous crimes and “white collar” crimes, and will be continuing contact then she should know.

goldengummybear · 26/02/2019 19:03

Child should be told the truth.

You'd be surprised how many young kids find out that a classmate's parent has been sentenced to jail through google or the local paper. Better to find out from a trusted adult rather than random kid at school. Child is at an age where they may google on a phone/tablet and if it's an article with comments then I dread to think what they'd read.

jellybaby1 · 26/02/2019 19:06

My kids dad is in prison currently. It's better to be truthful and try to maintain contact if possible.

notsosmartagainagain · 26/02/2019 19:10

Disford Thanks! It wasn't a great time and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive my ex for it but he is out now and seems to have turned himself around and is making an effort so hopefully it has been the making of him and when it comes the time to tell my son it will be a positive story rather than a bad one.

Haffdonga · 26/02/2019 19:22

Your father did something wrong/ took some money that wasn't his (or whatever) so he has to stay in prison for x months. He's very sorry about what he did (if he is) and he's going to work very hard not to make that mistake again.

Why not tell the truth?

KeepSmiling83 · 26/02/2019 19:39

I was in this position although it was my husband not my ex. I got in touch with a psychologist who specialises in children with a parent in prison. Their advice was categorically to be honest and tell the truth. Apparently the impact of lying can have repercussions for years.

I told my eldest (who was 4) and she took it in her stride. We discussed it a lot and I phrased it as her dad had made a mistake and had to go away to say sorry and learn not to make the same mistake again.

My husband did not want her to know but I think that's because he didn't want her to think differently of him. Unfortunately a lot of people tell their children that it's bad people who go to prison and I didn't want her to think her dad was a bad man.

We talk really openly and I just reply in an age appropriate way. Obviously I will tell her more as she gets older.

SpiritedLondon · 26/02/2019 19:48

This child already has one unreliable parent in its life - it doesn’t need another one.

anniehm · 26/02/2019 19:50

The truth, but obviously age appropriate. The cps did have information for parents in this situation and if convicted the prison will have family visitation arrangements.

It's not nice but kids are better off being told the truth as lies tend to backfire

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