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Original poster

Ex who goes to prison, what to tell the child?

64 replies

MsFrosty · 26/02/2019 16:02

If your ex was going to prison and could be sentenced for more than 18 months, what do you think is reasonable to tell an under 10 year old? Child and ex have a regular relationship so ex being missed would be noticed. Do you tell the child the truth?

OP posts:
Antigony · 26/02/2019 16:57

By not telling the child, the child then can't visit her father in prison.

I think it will be much better for the child in the long run to know that they have a parent in prison - but still be able to see them - than to have their parent vanish from their life for 18 months without a credible explanation.

Goldmandra · 26/02/2019 16:59

A ten year old is old enough to understand the concept of prison and different types of crime. They need to know the truth and they need an adult to help them with ways to respond when their peers find out.

If they aren't told the truth , they will be left high and dry when they get grief for it at school.

gobbin · 26/02/2019 17:00

My dad went to prison when I was 7. I was told and went to visit him in prison. Perfectly fine with this, both as a child and later in life. Parents were divorced so was sometimes taken for visiting by his second wife. No issues at all.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 26/02/2019 17:04

There’s a charity called “Children Heard and Seen” who are dedicated o supporting children and families in this situation. It might be worth looking at their website. They may be able to help.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 26/02/2019 17:06

I would tell the truth but perhaps phase it along the lines of it being the equivalent of an adult staying behind at school to do lines or a detention. Won’t the child be able to visit at the prison?

WhiteNancy · 26/02/2019 17:09

My friend told her kids the truth - thank goodness as they were told by various of their peers (6 & 9 at the time). Unfortunately other families will discuss it openly. I think it'd be much worse to find out that way than from your parents.

YetAnotherUser · 26/02/2019 17:12

My then 8Y/O DS's mum had a boyfriend who went to prison, she told DS he was on holiday.

I told DS he had gone to prison. DS didn't believe it hearing it from me, but eventually the truth came out, and he now remembers me as the one who told him the truth, and his mum as the one who lied.

PeterPiperPickedWrong · 26/02/2019 17:14

I would be honest and say X did something they shouldn’t have and now unfortunately they have to go to prison.

Lying about it would be awful, especially if they thought they weren’t getting to spend time with them because they didn’t want to any more, or found out the truth later. Truth is best.

coffecupempty · 26/02/2019 17:20

I supported a friend who was in this situation and managed to go with her to see counsellor. Counsellor said alway tell the truth as much as she wanted to protect her son, 9 yrs old at the time. Conversations will be had that the child might pick up on, peers might find out etc and it will be more distressing for him if Mum 'his safe person' is lying as this will break trust. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for and it will be better to be open and honest in the long run.

speakout · 26/02/2019 17:25

I'm confused.

This child is not yours- presumably not the exs either- what is the nature of their relationship?

lunar1 · 26/02/2019 17:33

Whose is the child? What relation are they to you and your ex?

HalfBearOtherHalfCat · 26/02/2019 17:41

I think the truth would be less damaging than a lie in this scenario. Being told that daddy did something wrong and is going to prison for a little while isn't going to make any child happy, but it is decidedly better than over-hearing a conversation not meant for their ears and realising your parents have flat out lied to you about something significant.

Or worse, finding out from a child at school, as that really does have the potential to be unpleasant - imagine the poor child defending their parent from accusations of being in prison and calling the other child a liar when they are actually telling the truth. Horrible.

Desdemonie · 26/02/2019 17:44

I think the truth would be less damaging than a lie in this scenario

But this lie would entail the child not being able to see their father for 18 months.

Surely it's better to know the truth and still be able to see him at least once a month?

speakout · 26/02/2019 17:49

The man going to prison is not the child's father.

THe OP is not the mother of the child.

THis thread is not about "daddy going to prison".

The child has parents elsewhere.

We need some clarification OP. How are you and ex involved in the child's life?

speakout · 26/02/2019 17:58

Desdemonie

THis man is not the child's father.

speakout · 26/02/2019 17:59

HalfBearOtherHalfCat

THis man is not the child's father.

speakout · 26/02/2019 18:01

Antigony

THis man is not the childs's father.

Is no one reading the OPs posts?

Original poster
MsFrosty · 26/02/2019 18:03

The child isn't mine

The parents are exes and communication is tense

child's father going to prison

OP posts:
Original poster
MsFrosty · 26/02/2019 18:04

Father wants to tell the child they are working away, mother wants to tell the truth.

No idea how long sentence will be but likely to be more than 18 months

OP posts:
lunar1 · 26/02/2019 18:09

I think it's the mums call, she will be doing the parenting.

Is the dd your stepchild?

KickAssAngel · 26/02/2019 18:12

IF the child is old enough to listen in to conversations and see things on FB, how would it be possible to keep it secret?

They'll know that there's no such thing as a job that cuts their Dad off completely for years. They will feel rejected and resent it. Then, when they hear the truth, they'll double up on the resentment. They may not want to start a relationship again once this is over.

Best for child AND father to be honest in an age appropriate way.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 26/02/2019 18:15

I absolutely wouldn’t dress up a prison sentence as ‘sometimes people do silly things’ Confused what a stupid idea!

FortyFacedFuckers · 26/02/2019 18:20

A child in DS’s class had a parent in jail and a few of the other children in the class knew & told him, I honestly think it’s best to tell the truth!

CheerfulMuddler · 26/02/2019 18:20

I would tell them the truth.

I think Daddy disappearing for 18 months would be a LOT more traumatic than Daddy disappearing but you get regular phone calls/letters/visits. And I think it would be hard to do all that and not have the child find out he was in prison unless they were very small.

RB68 · 26/02/2019 18:30

You tell them what they can handle. So if emotionally immature you treat it lightly but you say that they did something wrong and they have gone to make amends.

Street wise you tell them he committed a crime and was caught and has been sent to prison to pay for that crime, and even discuss the nature of the crime if you want.

Sometimes something "everyone does" can be a crime but the ones that get caught pay. Technically stealing stationery from work is the same as stealing stock for e.g.

Its not that white collar crime is any less criminal than any other crime (blue collar crime?????). We have a friend who did time, I clearly remember 20 yrs ago having the conversation that what he did was on the hairy edge of legal - he pushed it and there was an evidence trail and was made an example of. BUT people still do what he did and get away with it all the time. Case of when is acting on gossip insider dealing?? DH was the only one who wrote to him inside and the only one who didn't benefit from what he did over the years as I asked him not to.

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