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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel ashamed over dummy

74 replies

Theunluckydip · 26/02/2019 08:11

Hi all
I've been getting a lot of comments from people recently as my DD is 2.5 and still has a dummy. Amongst these people it's mainly my MIL/SIL who have made them, and it's making me feel really terrible.

Dd only has a dummy for bedtime and sometimes on car journeys. Dh and I have allowed it since it has been one of her only comfort items. MIL has always been judgemental over me allowing the dummy but recently SIL made a comment about it when we saw her last weekend. The nursery works have also mentioned it to me.

The dentist has no concerns about herteeth, and her speech is above average for her age.
Am I being too easily worried or do I need to ditch it?

OP posts:

Purplepricklesalloverhisback · 26/02/2019 12:55

@ppeatfruit because he has a significant speech delay and very poor pronunciation which using a dummy during the day time will hinder the progress of.

If he were ill or really did need it for comfort I would allow it, but he doesn’t, it’s habit more than anything.

flamingofridays · 26/02/2019 13:01

ds still has a dummy and he will be 3 in april. he only has it for bed, and v occasionally if he's super upset at nursery or he really really needs to nap (like when he is poorly, he rarely naps other than that!)

get this, he also has a mr tumble toy that he calls his baby and a muslin that he takes pretty much everywhere with him.

none of this has done him any harm, he speaks fantastically, nursery are really impressed with him. His teeth are absolutely fine too.

get rid of it when you feel your child is ready, not when interfering gits tell you to!

ppeatfruit · 26/02/2019 15:04

I said it's a substitute. That's all. Some children won't suck anything , or need to suck anything. I didn't say it was inferior apart from what it's made from and the likelihood of losing one and the fastening it onto the clothing which has to be very carefully done..
A lot of 3 year olds have speech delay esp. boys ( I speak as an ex nanny to 5 families ,C\M EY teacher). I don't reckon it's dummies or thumbs that cause it, just genetics or extremely bad parenting e.g. not talking to your child at all

Amimissingsomethinghere · 26/02/2019 15:22

It's absolutely fine!! Let her have her dummy. My son has just turned one and needs to sleep with minimum three dummies (one in each hand and one in gob!)

My mil is forever making comments and I don't care , he's my son and not hers.

JenFromTheGlen · 26/02/2019 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/02/2019 15:46

One of my dds didn't give up her dummy entirely until she was nearly 6. (Private, at home use only by then though.) she's long grown up and her teeth have always been perfect.

Her sister sucked her thumb almost from day one and was still sucking it after she learned to drive.

Just ignore the comments, or say she'll give it up when she's ready - you don't see children going to school with dummies in their mouths, which is more than you can say for thumbs!

It was something of a snob thing years ago to look down on dummies as very working class - maybe that's behind the attitudes. I don't mind admitting I was rather anti, until I had a baby with classic 3 months colic, and a dummy was the only thing that seemed to give her any comfort.

Freakyhorse · 26/02/2019 16:55

I wouldn't worry about what other people say. My DS is almost 3.5 and still has his dummy, only at night though. I'm not really in any rush to get rid. As long as it's not causing any problems, then I don't see the need to get your child all upset over a piece of plastic.

Throughthewardrobe664 · 26/02/2019 19:13

DS just gave up his dummy a couple of weeks ago, he was 8!!

To her with what others say. There's no time in life to feel judged by people, especially your own family.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 26/02/2019 19:15

If it’s only at bedtime I’m guessing they all only know because you have told them, so I wouldn’t say anything more about it and let them assume she doesn’t have it anymore.

JasperKarat · 26/02/2019 19:24

I'm really anti dummy, they look awful, are designed to silence a child, impact on speech development, communication generally and dental health and are difficult to get rid of. Lots of people said I'd change my mind when I had a baby, I haven't and my baby isn't an easy, sleepy one. You need to be at least working towards her giving it up

GR2529 · 26/02/2019 19:33

I could've written the same post. DS is the exact same age. MIL made comments about dummies before he was even born trying to stop us giving him one.
I would like him to stop using it because in recent months he has become more and more attached to it.
However, his teeth are absolutely fine, his speech is above average, and like you we only allow it for sleeping and long car journeys.
We're having a baby soon, and I don't think it's fair to take it during such a big change.
I think just after their third birthday is probably a good time to approach it, the level of understanding will be enough by then, so it doesn't just feel like a punishment

cindersrella · 26/02/2019 19:38

My daughter had her dummy from a week old until she was 4. I tried to take it off her at 2.5 but she was devastated so I gave into her and she had it until she was 4

dreamyflower · 26/02/2019 19:38

Thank you op for posting. My 22 month old has a dummy at bedtime and naptime and I was feeling judged too. Very occasionally when he is poorly I let him have it in the day. He suffers from ear infections constantly and apparently sucking can help ease the pain. It's his only comfort and he has a baby brother who has one so don't want him to resent him. Keep doing what you're doing. She's still so young.

JazzyBBG · 26/02/2019 19:42

I hate dummy snobbery. 2.5 is fine.
I have noted that a lot of the most vocal anti dummy people I know tend to be the same ones who moan a lot about their child not sleeping 🤷‍♀️ well my kids slept just fine with their dummies so !!!

Drogosnextwife · 26/02/2019 19:42

Ask them what you should do if he starts sucking his thumb if you take the dummy away, cit his thumbs off? Some people have obsessions with getting rid of the dummy I don't know why. Not as though they will be kicking about with one at 15 if you don't have it off them by the time they are a year old. Don't worry about it OP, just ignore them.

my2bundles · 26/02/2019 19:56

Jasper my son had a dummy and I have to say nothing of what you said is true My first baby didn't need a dummy, my son needed to suck for comfort so don't count your chickens just yet, if u have a second u might just be eating your words.

foxandthehound · 26/02/2019 20:18

I stopped sucking my thumb when I was twelve years old a lot later than most children. My teeth are perfectly straight, I have no overbite. My speech was never delayed as a child either.

AppleKatie · 26/02/2019 20:23

Designed to silence children? What like milk, cuddles and teddy bears?

Steamfan · 26/02/2019 20:24

People who are snobby over dummies make me so cross. Just take no notice of them, OP. If DD is happy that's all that matters. My son loved his dummy - and kept it - for occasional use - until he started school. And even then he had one stashed for a quick suck when he came home! Bit like adults and their vapes that some are always on. Do Mil and Sil vape?

needmorespace · 26/02/2019 20:35

my son had his til he was six, my daughter never had one at all.
Why on earth would you take it from your child. I hate the guilt that other people put on parents. If it gives your child comfort, it is no-one else's business.

I detest dummy snobs.
oh and it hasn't harmed my son, he now has his own daughter who loves her dummy!!

MitziK · 26/02/2019 20:51

Your kid, you aren't hurting her, dummies can be washed and sterilised and the odds are she'll grow out of it over the next six months. Ignore them.

FWIW, the ex MIL was one of those anti dummy people - I got a lovely, long story about how their dentist (so a very classy, respectable person) happened upon her in the street with her three kids aged 1, 3 and 4 and loudly complimented her upon looking after her children so well, because she'd encouraged them to suck their thumbs/fingers rather than a nasty, common dummy - physically putting their thumbs in their mouths when they were newborns to teach them - and all of them were doing so when this imaginary dentist came along. One sucked two fingers, one twisted their arm backwards and sucked their little finger and one sucked their thumb.

Absolutely adorable. Cool story, bro

And so were the school photos of the three of them. Buck teeth, then braces for all three, as they were still doing it at 8 years old plus. She was obviously so much better a parent than everybody else.

Mind you, one of them grew up to find a different way to keep her youngest GC quiet (and GM happy) without the dreaded dummy when that GC refused to be made to suck her thumb. Piriton.

WonderTweek · 26/02/2019 20:54

Haha. I'm fairly sure I had one until I was 5. My little boy is just over 2 and still uses it for sleep and on restless days. We were pretty good with limiting dummy use (mainly because I can't work out what he's saying if he has one in his mouth) up until maybe a month ago, but then we all had the flu, I ended up in hospital with sepsis and when I got out my boy got chickenpox and we felt that having his blanket and dummy available would be beneficial. We're going through a bit of a rubbish time with illness again so he has his dummy in more but no-one seems to mind. He bloody loves it and I can't see it doing any harm so he can crack on with it. I reckon we'll try to get rid of it by the age of 3-ish but won't be stressing about it.

Weirdly enough, I used to get comments about his dummy a lot more when he was an actual baby (like under a year) and I've not heard anything for aaagesss! I was a timid new mum back then but now I'd be capable of telling any commenters to mind their own business.

saxatablesalt · 26/02/2019 21:05

Lots of people said I'd change my mind when I had a baby, I haven't and my baby isn't an easy, sleepy one. You need to be at least working towards her giving it up

"this is what I do so therefore I'm right and everyone else should do the same"

FOTTFSOFOAFOSM. HTH.

MissShapesMissStakes · 26/02/2019 21:23

My dd didn’t stop her dummies at night till she was almost 5. She only had them for bedtime from about the age of 2)

I felt terrible guilt about in at some points. And caused stress for us all trying to give them up a few tunes.
But that was all caused by other judgemental people who didn’t know my child as well as I did.
I wish I had told them to mind their own business. My kid, my rules.

She needed those dummies (she used to have a little pot of them in bed with her!).

It’s about comfort, not silencing a child. Nothing can silence this girl, believe me!

She was a very early talker and it hasn’t effected her communication, also her teeth are perfectly straight, unlike her sister’s who never took to a dummy but decided to suck her thumb instead, and still does at 9.

By the way dd gave up her dummies herself when they started to feel too small in her mouth.

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