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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ashamed over dummy

74 replies

Theunluckydip · 26/02/2019 08:11

Hi all
I've been getting a lot of comments from people recently as my DD is 2.5 and still has a dummy. Amongst these people it's mainly my MIL/SIL who have made them, and it's making me feel really terrible.

Dd only has a dummy for bedtime and sometimes on car journeys. Dh and I have allowed it since it has been one of her only comfort items. MIL has always been judgemental over me allowing the dummy but recently SIL made a comment about it when we saw her last weekend. The nursery works have also mentioned it to me.

The dentist has no concerns about herteeth, and her speech is above average for her age.
Am I being too easily worried or do I need to ditch it?

OP posts:
LucyInTheSkyy · 26/02/2019 09:35

Ignore ignore ignore and feel good about yourself that you are providing your LO the comfort they desire.

Tell them that the HV has said you mustnt discuss dummy usage in front of LO as it will lead to feelings of shame around an object of comfort and that will be confusing for him. Then tell them to back off entirely as you will lead your child confidently in the way you see fit.

MatildaTheCat · 26/02/2019 09:35

DS 1 kept his going at bedtime until he was 7. He got to an age when he knew fine well it was a bit babyish, probably from about 3 and he became more discreet but I wasn’t going to either shame him into stopping or distress him by taking it away. He’s a highly articulate, non smoking young adult with perfect teeth.

DS2 dumped his on his 3rd birthday of his own volition. Any commenters were closed down very quickly. It’s simply none of their business. Do what works for you. Dummies have their place and security is really important. They can certainly be overused but considering their proven health benefits in young infants it’s deeply unfair that they are so frowned upon.

ElspethFlashman · 26/02/2019 09:36

Jesus, I thought you were going to say she was 5!

2.5 is nothing! My 4 yr old still has it to sleep. Frankly I don't give a shit, it's only during the night.

You need to be more robust back. If it's only at night and on long car journeys, then defend her. Push back strongly. Your child, your choice. It's not bloody child abuse to have a dummy at night!

LaMarschallin · 26/02/2019 09:36

We struggled desperately with my elder daughter's crying. A dummy was the only thing that seemed to give her any peace and comfort in the early days (as well as us).
The first time we took her to parents-in-laws' house she was asleep, dummy in situ. Mother-in-law had a couple of guests in and was obviously wildly embarrassed about our my commonness in allowing such a thing.
"Darling," she cooed, gathering up the small bundle and simpering knowingly at her guests, "let Grandma take that nasty thing out of your mouth!"...

It was like whipping the pins out of a grenade and a rape alarm at the same time.

She didn't try that again Smile

lumpinmythroat · 26/02/2019 09:41

My son has a nursery friend who is almost four and a half (we’re in Scotland) and he still turns up to nursery with the dummy in Hmm

We also bumped into him at our local shops in a buggy with his dummy in. He’ll be starting school in August Confused

So at 2.5 I can’t see a problem with your dd!

lumpinmythroat · 26/02/2019 09:42

I should add the He is NT. absolutely no special needs.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 26/02/2019 09:44

I think it's a bit old to still have one but that's just my opinion.Family shouldnt voice their opinion to you when not asked though,it's non of their business.

VelvetPineapple · 26/02/2019 09:46

It is quite old to have a dummy if there’s no SN involved. People shouldn’t mention it to your face though, that’s rude.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 26/02/2019 09:48

It's perfectly fine there will always be some idiot who thinks they know better
People are odd about dummies to my mind

My dm used to have issues with my DC with them until I lost it one day and pointed out that when ds2 was in nicu the nurses and I were desperate for him to take the special shaped nicu dummy to get him to suck to feed to you know...stay alive

I pointed out that if the dummies gave my children who had been through an awful lot a moments comfort I was not removing them because of her outdated and arbitrary decision that it was tacky

She never commented again and both DC happily gave them up by choice before 4

Don't stress and either ignore or stand up to the stupid comments (this thread shows it's not remotely odd or unusual to use it at 2.5 )

saxatablesalt · 26/02/2019 09:51

My three year old still has a dummy. His speech is fine and the dentist told me his teeth are perfect. So anyone who has a problem with it can fuck off tbh, it's no different to any other comfort object.

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 09:51

All my children had dummies until they were 3/3.5 (youngest had loads all day long!). Their teeth are fine and they didn’t have them at 4. What’s it got to do with anyone else?!

ppeatfruit · 26/02/2019 09:51

Thumbs are better than dummies IMO and Ex. dd1 sucked her thumb from 3 months till she was 6 , no problems with speech and she has beautiful straight teeth, as does dd2 who sucked her 2 middle fingers for a while. ds sucked nothing at all and he needed orthodontic treatment at age 12; it's genetic.
.
An OP referred to vaps earlier, interesting that some adults STILL need to suck .. Just because dummies can be removed from babies does not mean that they should be. The feelings of the child should NOT be discounted,

reallyanotherone · 26/02/2019 10:35

Thumbs are better than dummies IMO

Why, out of interest?

I don’t really see a difference, except dummies are often an easier habit to break. I remember kids at school who would subconsciously suck their thumbs. Even if they have a dummy til 30 you can’t really do it without thinking like you can a thumb.

thecutecouple · 26/02/2019 10:39

Nod, smile and ignore. It gives your DD comfort and she will drop it shen she's ready.

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 10:59

Thumbs are better than dummies IMO

My dentist told us that thumb sucking is far worse for children’s developing teeth.

Nat6999 · 26/02/2019 11:08

My ex MIL was awful to my DS, he had dummies until he was nearly 5, neither me, his dad or my parents had a problem with him having them, but MIL used to tear a strip off him if she saw him with his dummy or his cuddly dog that he took everywhere with him, if he knew she was coming round, he would hide them under a cushion even at the age of 2. If MIL was looking after DS she wouldn't allow him to take his dummies, comfort blanket or his dog with him, she would force him to leave them at home, when she brought him back, he would shoot in the house to go back to his dummy, blanket & dog & disappear upstairs until she had gone home. He went to preschool before he was 3 & never had a problem leaving them at home but once he was home always had him dummy, blanket & dog with him, he's 15 now but the dog still stays in his bed. I would never take it away from him, he is ASD & if it helps him to feel comfortable then I'm happy with that.

Damntheman · 26/02/2019 11:27

2.5 is fine! Particularly if it's only for sleeping and particularly long car journeys. They can screw off. My 2.5 year old also has a dummy just for sleeping it's no bother. They'll give them up when they're ready, or before they're four whichever comes first.

In contrast I'm having a devil of a time getting my 5.5 year old to stop sucking his thumb.. Which is a lot worse!

ppeatfruit · 26/02/2019 11:46

reallyanotherone Well if you read my thread you'd get why, I believe that children should be allowed their own comforts like adults, (they can choose when to comfort themselves then can't they?) thumbs are not plastic and don't fall to pieces!

Dentists say all sorts of things , why would ds1 be our only child who needed orthodontists when he hadn't sucked anything? apart from being bf of course

Ghanagirl · 26/02/2019 11:50

@AhFeck
You sound deranged.

Purplepricklesalloverhisback · 26/02/2019 11:53

My DS is the same age and still has a dummy. I will be honest I wish he had never had one and don’t really like them, but he was a terrible sleeper and constant feeder as a young baby and so we needed the dummy!

He has recently been poorly and had got into a habit of having it during the day. We’ve had to get strict and he is now only allowed it when in his cot. We’ve stopped it for car journeys and if he wants it during the day he has to go to bed in his cot to have it, which he obviously doesn’t want to do so is fine without it!

ppeatfruit · 26/02/2019 11:58

Yes Ghana Grin

ppeatfruit · 26/02/2019 12:05

Why if it's his comfort Purple ?

I understand if your baby needs to suck for comfort (some babies and children are more 'sucky' than others ) and refuses his thumb then a dummy is a substitute.

Cornettoninja · 26/02/2019 12:08

Freaks me out so much, it's like watching them pretend to be a baby

Are you really not aware that your response to a child sucking their thumb is extremely abnormal?

reallyanotherone · 26/02/2019 12:13

Well if you read my thread you'd get why, I believe that children should be allowed their own comforts like adults, (they can choose when to comfort themselves then can't they?) thumbs are not plastic and don't fall to pieces!

Yes i got that. You do realise you can buy new dummies if one falls to pieces?

Is that the only reason you think thumbs are “better”? If they provide equal comfort why is it better a child has a thumb than a dummy?

My child had her dummy whenever she wanted. At about 3.5 we gave her the responsibilty for for them. When she lost the last one she just shrugged and said she’s lost it, and didn’t want a new one.

How is that inferior to sucking her thumb?

LaMarschallin · 26/02/2019 12:54

Sometimes they just don't seem to find their thumbs. I'd have been delighted if the elder one had as it would have stopped us being woken in the night by squawks of, "Dummeeee! DUMMEEEEE!!" (yes, she still had it when she could talk; up until nearly 2) when she couldn't find it (usually about 2mm from her face).
Younger one sucked her thumb but that stopped a lot later (4 or so), not that it seemed a problem.

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