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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP has posted a picture of me

83 replies

PinkTicker · 25/02/2019 23:16

on the group chat for our shared hobby.

He took it without me knowing, I'm recovering from a sickness bug and am in pyjamas and sitting in a very unflattering position which shows all my worst features. I look disgusting.

We were all mucking about with filters but I didn't know he was taking a picture of me or I'd have asked him not to post it or at the very least sat up/ covered up a bit. It's not my imagination - I really do look awful.

This is after I told him earlier how self conscious I was feeling about my appearance and that I hated myself.

I have left the group because I'm so bloody embarrassed and he says I'm overreacting and being petty.

AIBU to be upset?

As an aside if anyone knows how to get rid of the picture from the chat I'd be grateful, I could only see how to delete it from my copy of the thread.

OP posts:

MakeItAmazing · 26/02/2019 12:54

OP, no you shouldn't have laughed it off. He's done something thoughtless and the worse part is he hasn't immediately apologised, offered to delete it and promised not to do it again. He's hurt you and is making you feel it's your fault you're upset.

Jaxtellerswife · 26/02/2019 12:58

@Bezalelle I thought the same

3out · 26/02/2019 13:01

You can’t delete posts on messenger (or WhatsApp after an hour), so to offer to delete it would have been an empty promise. I suspect he’s feeling pretty rotten about what he’s done now that he sees how upset you are. He can’t undo the damage, and that’s why he just wants to move on. It was a stupid thing to have done, but we’ve all done stupid things in our lives. As you say that he is normally a good bloke then we can hopefully rule out his actions being at all malicious but instead a very poor moment of lack of judgement.

GabriellaMontez · 26/02/2019 13:02

Is he 15?

What a mean thing to do.

Micah · 26/02/2019 13:11

I do find a lot of men are literally blind to whether a photo is flattering or not

I think a lot of women are literally blind to to whether they look good in a photo or not.

Like pp said. Men aren’t socialised to overanalyse photos.

I very much doubt anyone on the group has given it much of a second thought. If i saw it i’d probably think nothing past poor love looks so ill.

earlyrisingcat · 26/02/2019 13:15

@PinkTicker

YANBU. I would be livid. DH had form for doing this for a short time a few years ago - (and several of my friends partners did it too!) AND it seems, the partners of many women on here.

My DH used to think candid pics of me were cute - even when I was 4-5 stone overweight. I looked fat and slouchy and had a double chin, and looked 10 years older. He used to take the camera outside to take pics of the cats, and he would poke the camera through the kitchen window and take 'candids' of me, and even FILM me.

I told him to stop as it's making me angry and upset. He minimised I and said I was being silly, and that I looked 'adorable.' So I started doing the same to him, and took a pic of him, hunched over, with his pot belly hanging out. That ONE pic stopped him, and he was a bit sheepish and said 'OK I get the message...'

Why do men not care? It's because men are not taught to the same extent to be so self-conscious and that physical appearance is the most important thing in life.

I do disagree with this. As I said, my DH was very unhappy and pissed off when I did it to him. I do know a few women whose men do this, even though they know their woman/partner is upset and unhappy about it. Is it some kind of weird control thing? Trying to make us feel bad about ourselves? I don't know.

Also, women don't tend to do it to their men. But I think if we did start doing it, men wouldn't like it either.

There's a similar story in the media at the moment. 'Arg' who dates Gemma Collins has uploaded a VIDEO of her snoring, onto the internet! She has apparently dumped him.

www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/762056/gemma-collins-snoring-video-twitter-james-argent-split-gc

By the way, I don't think it's possible to delete a pic from a group chat. Once it's been posted, you can delete it, but all the others will have it. All you can do is ask them to delete it as you are upset your DH shared it. Expect at least one person to keep it though!

Lostwithoutdirections · 26/02/2019 13:16

I’d be furious too, OP!!! That’s such a massive issue.

What’s your husband self conscious of? He’ll only learn how much he’s hurt you if you deliberately play on his own insecurities

JessieMcJessie · 26/02/2019 13:27

Please work on your self esteem rather than directing your anger towards your husband. It is a photo on a chat, the others will have glanced at it briefly and moved on. Some may have thought “oof, that’s unflattering”, but none of them then thought “and she is an awful, ugly person”. It is just a photo on a chat. It’s not a character assassination in a national newspaper. Nobody died. This may sound harsh but you need to get some perspective.

SpanielEars070 · 26/02/2019 13:32

Can you rejoin the chat and just say "sorry guys, i was just really upset that DP posted that photo of me, i was feeling rough and had a bit of a sense of humour failure over it".

Biancadelrioisback · 26/02/2019 13:42

Thing is, they know what you look like normally. A really good photo does not make someone pretty and a really bad photo does not make someone fat or ugly. You look how you look. I know it's hard when you're insecure (believe me!) But you can't fixate on one photo. Your DH was insensitive and is clearly being overly defensive now (because he's realised he's done wrong and embarrassed to admit that, especially publicly in front of other people?). It seems the pic can't be deleted so there isn't much you can do now other than talk to DH and explain why you are upset. If he does it again, you've got a problem.

earlyrisingcat · 26/02/2019 13:45

@SpanielEars070

Can you rejoin the chat and just say "sorry guys, i was just really upset that DP posted that photo of me, i was feeling rough and had a bit of a sense of humour failure over it".

Why on earth should she do THAT ? She is unhappy and upset and angry that her DH has posted a very unflattering pic of her, in a group chat, to a bunch of their friends.

It's a horrible invasion of privacy, and very intrusive, and tbh, if my partner/DH continue to do this kind of thing, (even after I explained how upset and embarrassed I was about it,) I would be seriously re-evaluating the relationship. I couldn't be with someone so disrespectful and ignorant and inconsiderate, and who thought it was funny to embarrass and humiliate me.

Seriously, the (few) posters who think the OP is overreacting, have obviously never had this done to them. It's horrible, intrusive, and cruel.

Original poster

PinkTicker · 26/02/2019 14:01

@SpanielEars070

I didn't have a sense of humour failure though. I'm perfectly able to laugh at myself and have done so within that group of people, with my partner, and with others.

I don't think being upset at such public humiliation counts as a sense of humour failure, especially given that earlier in the evening I had explicitly said I was having trouble even leaving the house to meet up with this group- purely because of how I was feeling about my appearance.

I don't have anything to apologise for, and I certainly don't feel like rejoining the chat and explaining myself when its my DP who is at fault.

OP posts:

earlyrisingcat · 26/02/2019 14:10

Exactly what I said @PinkTicker ^

TwitterQueen1 · 26/02/2019 14:19

Wow
JessieMcJessie - you don't think the OP should be angry with her DH
and
SpanielEars070 - you think the OP should apologise .

FFS. You're the ones who need to work on your self-esteem. Not the OP. Do you seriously think this is an OK thing to do?

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 26/02/2019 14:28

I think you are overreacting! It's just a photo. Why do you care what people think? They certainly won't think twice about it.

earlyrisingcat · 26/02/2019 14:38

If it's upsetting the OP, then she is NOT overreacting!

Stop minimising this awful intrusive behaviour.

NOTHING is 'trivial' if it's upsetting you. FFS

I hate this bullshit mindset, that just because ONE person is not upset about something; anyone else who IS upset, is silly or childish or 'overreacting.' Not everyone is the same FGS.

Mitzimaybe · 26/02/2019 14:44

My BIL and SIL often post pictures of each other drunk / sleeping / looking awful. We don't. My DH knows that I would hate it. If he did that and then minimised and failed to apologise, it would honestly be grounds to LTB on the grounds of his total lack of respect for my feelings.

Your DH knew that you were feeling extremely insecure about your appearance and he chose that exact moment to post a photo of you looking at your absolute worst. I would find it very, very hard to forgive that.

WinnieFosterTether · 26/02/2019 14:52

So he texted to say sorry. Are you happy with his apology? Will you miss being part of the messenger group?
You're perfectly entitled to be angry but I'd think about what will make it better for you so you can make it clear to DH. Then, I'd think about whether I wanted to rejoin the group because it's of benefit to me. I wouldn't cut myself off from a group I liked because DH had been an insensitive arse.

Original poster

PinkTicker · 26/02/2019 15:12

This is exactly why I'm upset. I feel he has conpletely disregarded how I'm feeling about myself and gone ahead with this to get a laugh at my expense.

I'm glad he has at least apologised, even if only put of courtesy. Ive gone through with him exactly why I was so upset and I hope he wont do it again.

As for rejoining the chat, I'm not ready to do that yet but I wont stay away forever.

OP posts:

HavelockVetinari · 26/02/2019 15:19

He deliberately humiliated you. What a cruel thing to do, there's no way he didn't realise how it would make you feel.

I'm honestly not sure how I'd get past something like that - not the act itself, but the deliberate intention to hurt you.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 26/02/2019 16:12

My ex did this to me a few years ago...and sent it to his whatsapp work group chat....i was livid and made him crawl over hot coals before i forgave him...
I also have a friend who thinks its amusing to take pics of me even though she knows i hate it.....then in the pub she whips her phone out and shows everybody....really really fucks me off !!!

Dimsumlosesum · 26/02/2019 16:15

What is he, 12? I'd be pissed off too op.

SpanielEars070 · 26/02/2019 16:21

Sorry I didn't word that very well - I meant so that they were aware that he'd done it and you're upset about it.

I didn't mean that you should apologise for one second

Lightofday · 26/02/2019 16:24

The fact that you had just mentioned you were feeling self conscious and he then posts an obviously unflattering picture... Smacks of deliberate and spiteful intent if you ask me. And then the whole 'you're over reacting' crap... tell me, is he prone to being a manipulative gaslighting wankstain? Or is this a mysterious one off? (Doubt it).

Here the thing, there are certain sorts of ppl that stomp on you, when you expose your weakness to them. It isn't normal behaviour from someone who loves you. It is behaviour of a asshole, with issues,who only cares about himself. So if he knows it was a bad pic and deliberately posted it when you were at a low point,just to rub it in..then you got bigger problems with him than just that. The fact that he falls into a cluster b personality type could very well be one of them. Certainly low on empathy and nasty little boy at least.

Assuming he didn't think the pic was flattering and it was actually a misguided effort to get you compliments that is. But it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Original poster

PinkTicker · 26/02/2019 16:26

Ah ok Spaniel I get you now. I thought about that too but on the other hand I don't want to draw any more attention to it... intend to slide back in discreetly when I've calmed down.

OP posts:

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