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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this mum is a bit of a CF?

73 replies

LadyAurelia · 25/02/2019 21:33

A couple of months ago a mum at my children's school asked if I would mind picking her 2 kids up from school the following day and take them back to my house while she accompanied her husband to a hospital appointment. On this occasion she caught me on the hop, ambushing me on the way home from school, so I agreed, thinking I was doing her a favour and that it would not turn out to be a regular thing.

This lady lives quite close to me. She also has relatives living next door to her. I have 4 young children of my own, so I essentially ended up a house full of 6 kids aged 8 and under. They were quite raucous while they were here, basically trashed our playroom, pulling toys out, throwing crayons everywhere. They were here about two hours. It was a huge relief when the mum came to pick them up.

Anyway, I thought that would be the end of it, but a few weeks later I received a text, asking if once again I could pick the kids up the following day as husband had another appointment.

Today I received yet another text from her this afternoon, saying her husband has a check-up tomorrow. She is not going to the hospital with him but she needs to leave the house by a certain time, so she has asked if she can bring the kids round again if her husband is not back by that time. I have said I will because I don't want to make some excuse up.

AIBU to think this is overstepping the line? I struggle to tolerate my own kids at the best of times (!) but I have little interest in other people's children. I think it's a bit cheeky that I have never being given more than 24 hours notice. Plus, they would have known about these appointments at least 2 weeks beforehand. I attend hospital regularly for myself and my children, and if I am given an inconvenient appointment time (which is usually the case) I ring up and change it. I know that her husband's appointments are just standard outpatient ones. Are they keeping these appointments in the knowledge that if they leave it as late as possible to ask me, I will find it hard to say no? What would she do if I did say no? I am a SAHM so she knows I am generally around most of the time so do you think I am being taken advantage of? God knows why they aren't asking the relatives next door.

I don't want to rock the boat as her kids are in the same class as two of mine, but nor do I want to keep being her go-to source of free childcare. Any ideas on how to tackle this?

OP posts:

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 25/02/2019 22:13

Why not just tell her basically the truth, that minding 6 young children is too much for you and you cannot keep an eye on all of them at once and that she will have to make other arrangements in future. Don't let her talk you around and if she tries just repeat you cannot look after any other children on top of your 4.

LifeImplosionImminent · 25/02/2019 22:19

Let them have loads of fun with permanently staining paint or rolling around in mud, feed them a bucket of e numbers and fizzy pop and send them home all crazed and bright blue. Lol no really, I just really enjoyed typing that.

Just assertively say no you can't look after them. You don't have to lie....or do the above!

westernchampion · 25/02/2019 22:23

I think she is taking advantage a bit, however it is good to help each other out, do you think she might help you out sometime? I know I would do it if asked because you never know when you may need help. I'll help anyone out but if it becomes a one way street then you'll start coming up with reasons why you cant.

rosablue · 25/02/2019 22:23

Send her a text now - saying sorry but that she caught you on the hop earlier but you've just realised now that you've had a chance to check that you're unable to look after her kids tomorrow.

And if possible send it on something that shows that she has read the message so she can't say that she didn't see it.

(although you're sort of giving an excuse, it's very vague and explains why you have had to change your response, you haven't given her anything to cling on to in order to hope that she can change your mind). And then leave it.

If she tries to make you change your mind - just repeat and repeat that it's not possible today.

And then for any requests that come in beyond that - have a rolling list of answers - No. Not Possible, Need to check when I get home but that day we're usually busy so assume no. and so on...

If you do feel obliged to have them tomorrow, you need to take a deep breath and tell the mum that they need to behave this time as you can't afford the time, money or stress of them trashing your house. And if they make it messy then when she arrives to pick them up, say that they need to tidy up their mess before they go home - even if your dc help with the bits that they were involved with. Read them the riot act before they walk through the front door too. If they don't like it/feel unwelcome/etc then all the better!

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/02/2019 22:24

What’s that wonderful mumsnet sentence? “No is a complete sentence”. Et voilà problem solved.

Mumsnet: empowering women to say no!

Jokes aside, you are enabling her using you. Say no. Say it now. Practice it.

bundesdelboy · 25/02/2019 22:25

Non issue.

Say no or don't reply if you don't want/ can't do it.

Stop being a mug be agreeing then complaining about it. You're quite right that it's sliding into CF territory but grow a backbone and commit to what you want to & can do, no more.

Don't be one of the many martyrs who takes on someone's problems then gripes about it at the same time.

Dreamzcancometrue · 25/02/2019 22:25

Just say no sorry I cant ffs. Grow some balls.. Woman!

RomanyQueen1 · 25/02/2019 22:29

I don't understand this. Why would you say yes if you weren't happy with the situation?
i've had lots of ad hoc arrangements with friends over the years and our friendships have lasted because we know how to use the word no.
It might be a bit cheeky that she keeps asking, but it doesn't sound like you've made any objection. How is she supposed to know, she probably thinks they played well together and it's no problem.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 25/02/2019 22:32

Stop being such a wally! Cancel on her. 'Sorry, something's come up. I can't take the kids tomorrow.' You don't need an excuse!

ohdearmymistake · 25/02/2019 22:32

She will keep asking until say no.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2019 22:37

You are a mug and cf are very good at homing in on nice people who cannot say no, let that not be you. Yiu can make up an excuse that something has come up, hereafter say no! Keep saying no!

LagunaBubbles · 25/02/2019 22:37

Why would you say yes if you don't want to do it, don't get it? Just say no, it's not difficult, you don't need an excuse!

LittlePaintBox · 25/02/2019 22:37

When she next picks them up, tell her you won't be able to do it again, and then stick to it if she asks again.

If you keep saying Yes when she asks you, she really has no way of knowing you don't want to do it!

OhTheRoses · 25/02/2019 22:42

I'd so love to help but little Johnnie has a doctor's apt and it's so hard already to take him with the other three in tow. No need to say it isn't actually tomorrow butnoh you do so hope she'll be able to find someone to help :). And nod. And smile.

SparkiePolastri · 25/02/2019 22:48

OP read the link in @HoustonBess's post about 'askers' and 'guessers'.

Maybe it will help you feel easier about saying 'no' if you understand that people who freely ask, do so on the basis that they will either get a 'yes' or 'no' answer.

You're coming at this from the basis that because she's asking you, you can't say 'no'.

But actually, you absolutely can.

SparkiePolastri · 25/02/2019 22:49

And no, don't come up with some excuse that she will inevitably try to help you work around.

Just say, 'sorry, we can't help today'.

JustOneShadeOfGrey · 25/02/2019 22:51

It’s only been twice. She’s not asking you to do it every week. I can’t see the problem. She probably thinks her kids and your kids enjoy each other’s company and it’s like a “play date”. Return the “favour” by asking her to take two of yours for a couple of hours because the other two have an appointment.

Mind you, I’d be collecting my kids while handing over a bottle of wine or tin of biscuits to show my gratitude. Does she sound grateful when you help her out?

ohtheholidays · 25/02/2019 22:54

When she comes to pick them up tomorrow say I can't have them anymore,I wanted to give you a heads up now so you can rearrange the appointment or get someone else to pick them up.

You don't need to give her a reason but if she pushes you for one say you thought it was a one off that you were helping her with but being as it's not all of the children together at the same time is to much and your house is getting wrecked and your sure she understands(with a tilted head and a sweet smile)that should stop her in her tracks.

EncroachingLoaf · 25/02/2019 22:57

You can't say yes and be quietly raging about her cheekiness.

She will keep asking you because I bet she can't believe her luck you're agreeing! Don't be such a bloody doormat, holy crap op

SlipperOrchid · 25/02/2019 22:59

I was put in a similar position and it took about five separate requests where I said unfortunately I couldn't pick up before she stopped asking. It felt very awkward (small area) but I am relieved as I now see another mum picking the child up at least once if not twice a week.

I know many see it as being unfriendly but I felt like she was taking the piss as the reasons for picking up the child were due to the mother's wants rather than her needs.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2019 23:03

"Sorry I cant, hope you get something sorted out"
Every. Single. Time.

Never apologise, never explain.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2019 23:04

"Sorry...." never apologise?!

I meant "No I cant"

TBDO · 25/02/2019 23:05

Why say yes when you mean no? You don’t need to make an excuse, just say you can’t do it. If she asks why, say ‘it’s not convenient, hope you find someone’. If she asks why again, just ignore her.

SurgeHopper · 25/02/2019 23:06

Not another cf thread!

What do you actually think we're gonna say, op?

Yeah, bend over backwards to inconvenience yourself more??

Go on, knock yourself out

Fucks sake

DishingOutDone · 25/02/2019 23:14

I think MNetters have generally had it up to the back teeth with people who come on and post the same thing over and over, she asked me to have her kids I couldn't say no, then I couldn't say no and now I cant say no.

I think the first few years of my being on MN this was interesting and of course, some CF are spectacular, but now I just think how can an adult do this? Even if you're a bit timid ...

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