To think this mum is a bit of a CF?

[LadyAurelia]

A couple of months ago a mum at my children's school asked if I would mind picking her 2 kids up from school the following day and take them back to my house while she accompanied her husband to a hospital appointment. On this occasion she caught me on the hop, ambushing me on the way home from school, so I agreed, thinking I was doing her a favour and that it would not turn out to be a regular thing.

This lady lives quite close to me. She also has relatives living next door to her. I have 4 young children of my own, so I essentially ended up a house full of 6 kids aged 8 and under. They were quite raucous while they were here, basically trashed our playroom, pulling toys out, throwing crayons everywhere. They were here about two hours. It was a huge relief when the mum came to pick them up.

Anyway, I thought that would be the end of it, but a few weeks later I received a text, asking if once again I could pick the kids up the following day as husband had another appointment.

Today I received yet another text from her this afternoon, saying her husband has a check-up tomorrow. She is not going to the hospital with him but she needs to leave the house by a certain time, so she has asked if she can bring the kids round again if her husband is not back by that time. I have said I will because I don't want to make some excuse up.

AIBU to think this is overstepping the line? I struggle to tolerate my own kids at the best of times (!) but I have little interest in other people's children. I think it's a bit cheeky that I have never being given more than 24 hours notice. Plus, they would have known about these appointments at least 2 weeks beforehand. I attend hospital regularly for myself and my children, and if I am given an inconvenient appointment time (which is usually the case) I ring up and change it. I know that her husband's appointments are just standard outpatient ones. Are they keeping these appointments in the knowledge that if they leave it as late as possible to ask me, I will find it hard to say no? What would she do if I did say no? I am a SAHM so she knows I am generally around most of the time so do you think I am being taken advantage of? God knows why they aren't asking the relatives next door.

I don't want to rock the boat as her kids are in the same class as two of mine, but nor do I want to keep being her go-to source of free childcare. Any ideas on how to tackle this?

[StinkyCandle]

back in the real world, no one is a CF to ask. It would be stupid not to. The answer is either yes, or no and you plan accordingly.

Really cannot comprehend the big deal, I am sure there's a translation of the word "no" in this lady's language.

[timeisnotaline]

And this: You don't have to stand by wringing your hands while children wreck your house. You can be very direct and blunt with children about your expectations. You can give them direct orders
I don’t let children wreck the house, be they mine or others!

[chocatoo]

Just get her to return the favour for all 4 of yours together. 'Hi CF I’m calling in one of the favours you owe me, my kids need to be picked up at x o'clock tomorrow - hope that’s convenient...'

[Marlena1]

I think givemesteel is right. Let her know it's hard. She might think as you have 4, 2 more won't make a difference and you won't notice them. Might make her think that actually it doesn't suit. It is nice to help, especially if she's lonely and in a foreign country. Maybe you could suggest breakfast club/afterschool club in a nice way :)

[SnuggyBuggy]

The flip side is all those threads where the OP is told to ask a neighbor or fellow school mum for help. Damned if you do, damned if you don't

[PregnantSea]

No, she isn't being a CF because you keep saying yes when you don't need to. She obviously thinks you don't mind.

If you don't want to do it then start saying no. If you're very concerned with keeping relations friendly then it isn't hard to make up an excuse and be nice about it.

[givemesteel]

I would do it for her this time as you said you would but when she picks them up, say something like phew I'm glad you're here, coping with 6 kids is just too much. Then you've primed her for saying no next time.

You're ready for her now, so be prepared with an excuse you're comfortable with and stick to it, don't get sucked in again. And just be better prepared to say no to anyone in the future. I expect the issue with having 4 kids is it's not like anyone will take them off your hands so can't return the favour.

[mathanxiety]

Since you seem to have accepted the task of looking after her DCs tomorrow, you can practice your assertiveness by putting your foot down with the children. You don't have to stand by wringing your hands while children wreck your house. You can be very direct and blunt with children about your expectations. You can give them direct orders. Unless they are well advanced in CFery they will accept that you have rules and they will behave themselves.

[Graphista]

STOP WORRYING what she thinks - she doesn't care what you think!

Learn the power of the word NO!

No excuses, NO APOLOGIES no made up reasons just no!

She's taking the piss and she knows it, and she's only doing it cos she knows you'll let her.

Personally I'd tell her not to ask again.

English not being her first language is irrelevant. She understands enough to function and could learn if she were willing there's loads of courses, she could even learn online etc

[BoringPerson]

I don't see why the fact see speaks a different language is of any relevance. Either you want to look after her kids or you don't. If you don't want to look after them all you have to do is say so.

I actually think it's unfair of people to agree to do something for someone when they are secretly unhappy about it. It's, sort of, dishonest and makes asking favours too complicated.

I get asked for favours a lot as I'm generally a helpful person but also because I'm happy to decline doing a favour if it doesn't suit me. I'm really upfront about it. It means that friends don't have to guess if i actually want to help or not. If I say yes I mean it.

[SparkiePolastri]

I really think people would've provided you with more nuanced advice if you'd given us the whole situation. You certainly wouldn't have had quite the incredulous reaction you've had.

I would probably put myself out more than normal in this situation, too.

But it still needs to be a two-way street. In fact, if this Mum is feeling as isolated as you think she might be, then surely she should be going out of her way to 'repay' you.

[Holidayshopping]

You don’t have to say yes!

[timeisnotaline]

I can see why she asks you with the update. Is it only for a series of appointments which are coming to an end? Are you happy to do that and no more or are you just fed up with it and don’t want to do any more? (Fair enough) I guess you need to be clear about what you are willing to do and then work out the plan. The last minute ness is very cheeky , she would know beforehand. I assume he is too unwell to just go himself, as most parents would do that if possible?

[Missingstreetlife]

Some people are comfortable asking favours, and expect you may say no, they will ask someone else. Some cultures are more direct and won't understand if you say yes when you mean no.

[Strokethefurrywall]

How many times do we need to see the same thread?

Quite. These should no longer be known as cheeky fucker threads and should instead be renamed "how much of a mug am I?" threads.

Guarantee we wouldn't see such an abundance of them.

[Catinthetwat]

I'm with you op, I would find this really hard too.

This happened to me before and I just couldn't say no. I too felt sorry for the mum and I think that was why. One day I realized I could say no, just not to her for some reason. When ever I tried, she made it really awkward. I think she was being quite manipulative actually, it became more obvious over time. I eventually stopped being friends with her for my own sanity.

You need to decide if it's you or if it's her. Can you say no to other people?

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

'Sorry, but I really can't do it again - my own four are more than enough to cope with.'
I don't see how she could argue with that, or take offence at it.

[CoffeeCoffeeTea]

Hi OP, just read your update, maybe introduce her to people. She knows no one apart from you and her family . English is not her first language. Next time you are meeting mums from school could you invite her. School playgrounds are hard and closed.

[altiara]

I don’t think she’s an official CF. She’s not asking for regular childcare. As you’ve described above she doesn’t have a network of friends, she only has you and it’s not because you a SAHM either. It’s possible the relatives are ill or drop out last minute. By all means tell her you need more notice and you can’t cope with 6 children but I really don’t think she’s being a CF. Obviously I’m only going by what you’ve written, she still could be!

[janetforpresident]

So honour your agreement for tomorrow then say no next time. Even if you decide you are happy to help her on occasion that doesn't mean you have to always say yes.

Is there a reason why she always has to accompany her DH to hospital for appoi payments though? Most of us work and don't have that luxury even without kids.

I think if she were a single mum and it was an appointment for her I would have more sympathy but even then, as you say, she has relatives in the area.

[ohtheholidays]

Bloody hell OP that wasn't a drip feed that was a sodding Tsunami!

You said she has relatives near by so surely she can ask them to help out.

[CoffeeCoffeeTea]

Some very harsh comments here , I'm sure we have all fallen for similar scenarios.
You need to decide if you are friends with this person. Are your children friends with hers? Is her husband ill? Do you want to stay friends? If Yes, then help her out.
If you needed her to look after your children do you think she would? If the answer is No, then she is a CF and you need to say No (easier said than done) .
It cannot be easy having 4 kids under eight so I know you must have routines in place , and these need to apply to the extra two. They should not be trashing your home. What do your DC think ? My DC used to get very upset if friends messed around in our house.

[LadyAurelia]

Thanks for all the replies. It's what I was expecting. I know I need to say no and definitely will in future. One thing I did not mention earlier is that English is not this lady's first language. Her English is not great but I am fluent in her language, it's how I got talking to her in the first place. All the messages we exchange are in her language, we only ever speak in her language. I'm her only mum friend at the school, I don't believe she has many friends in the area. She's there everyday waiting for her kids, looking miserable, not speaking to any of the other mums and actually seems happy when I show up because she has someone to talk to. I dont think she's happy in this country and I just don't want her to feel alienated.

[DishingOutDone]

I think MNetters have generally had it up to the back teeth with people who come on and post the same thing over and over, she asked me to have her kids I couldn't say no, then I couldn't say no and now I cant say no.

I think the first few years of my being on MN this was interesting and of course, some CF are spectacular, but now I just think how can an adult do this? Even if you're a bit timid ...

[SurgeHopper]

Not another cf thread!

What do you actually think we're gonna say, op?

Yeah, bend over backwards to inconvenience yourself more??

Go on, knock yourself out

Fucks sake