Is this normal re: possibly stingy dp (trivial!)

[onceandneveragain]

'Warning - before anyone jumps down my throat - I am aware this is a very first world problem, am lucky to have anyone who acknowledges my birthday, buys me a present, etc.'

Have been seeing dp for about a year - not living together yet but planning to soon and spend a lot of time together. Relationship is mainly great but there have been a few little niggles and then this....

I mentioned off-hand some time before my birthday that I wanted to see a band who were playing in a city about 1hr and a half away, but didn't have anybody to go with. Then on bday opened up an envelope from dp with a ticket to go to the show. I was really happy, grateful, etc., suggested maybe going up to the city, staying over and making a night of it, which he agreed to. A few weeks later I suggested a few hotels, dp said that he might have to work that night so may not stay over. I was a bit puzzled and said that would be a waste of his (quite expensive) ticket.DP was equally - what did I mean 'his' ticket? He'd only bought the one, for me. He's not bothered about the band (I did know this) so it would be a waste of money for him to go.

While yes, I was aware I had only opened the one ticket I just assumed he had also bought one for himself! Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no issue doing things by myself - I live alone and also travel for work, and am used to eating out by myself, going to the cinema, etc. It's just, for me, a live gig is one of those things it's much more fun to go with someone else. I know some people go to gigs alone, and good for them, but it's just not something I personally enjoy, which is why I didn't buy a ticket for myself originally - I was perfectly able to afford it if I wanted, and he knew this; my exact words were 'Oh, I'd like to go and see X but nobody will go with me.'

Especially if you are buying this type of thing for a present surely it is normal to buy two tickets? Even if he didn't want to suck it up and come, (as I would, and have, for something he wanted to do), so I could go with someone else (which is what I have done in the past, e.g. for my mum to see a show I didn't fancy). Other times I have clubbed together with mates where we all bought our own ticket to a festival or whatever and then shared the cost of the birthday person's. I've never considered just buying that one person a ticket for themselves!

We have had an argument because I said this was weird, and I would probably try and sell the ticket to treat myself to something else. DP thinks I am being ungrateful because he put the effort in to buy me something I'd mentioned, and 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' as I want to see the band.

So AIBU to think most people prefer to attend events with someone else and wouldn't give an individual ticket as a gift? I did a vox pol of friends and colleagues who agreed with me it was a bit weird (although some of them aren't that keen on DP anyway) but am more than happy to hear alternative responses!

Minimum purchase 2 tickets or more if more people available to join. One is odd !

I think mysterycat has nailed it. The problem isn't his carefulness with money it's the fact you told him how you felt and he replied that you were wrong.

Disregard for feelings is a dumping offence imo.

Also as a side note, any reason is acceptable to dump someone especially if you don't have kids. No reason at all is still fine. I hate hearing people slowly erode their boundaries because X or Y is not a good enough reason to break up. If you're not feeling it, move on!

I’m with SparkiePolastri. I think you are being short-sighted about the extent to which this affects you because you currently have separate finances and don’t live together. If you move in together, acquire joint debts and make joint financial commitments, and especially if you have children, which involves you disadvantaging yourself financially, at least temporarily, I think this has the potential for huge problems.

Imagine being on maternity leave and not contributing your exact 50%, or wanting to buy a pushchair and him saying he won’t contribute because there are cheaper ones.

Also, everything you say about his ‘logic”, obsession with unpaid parking, and preference for the miserable time-consuming cheap thing over the more convenient more expensive option ( honestly, what solvent persOn would take a £40 12- hour coach over a short £110 return flight?) suggests my father, who is on the autistic spectrum.

I married a man who was careful with money. Not tight like your dp intact in comparison to your do he'd be considered generous.
All ok until I got pregnant.
On mat leave if I asked for money I was called Mrs take and it was begrudgingly handed over always slightly less than needed.
Dc1 1st birthday and Christmas told not to buy presents as she was too young to know. She I wanted to buy dc1 clothes. Just buy multi packs of white baby grows.
I got divorced because after years of financial abuse I'd started to hate him. I couldn't even be in the same rooms him. When went back to work he got expensive stuff for himself but dc and I not because we didn't earn it.
This could be your future. Be very very careful. And this is a man who was never tight about parking, travelling and meals out etc.

OP, listen to pp - it is unanimous. His behaviour is abnormal. He doesn’t seem to place much value on spending time with you compared with what he can save via coach, park’n’ride, or those bloody vouchers. Most men would be embarrassed to reveal that kind of tightness.

If you plan children your life will be a nightmare as pp have said, unless you immediately return to work. When your household is joint, if he outearns you he will consider that he gets to make all financial decisions.

What would happen if you wanted to go out for a non voucher meal? Would he do it?
If he did it, would he grumble about it for a week?

What compromises has he made for you more generally in the relationship?

Why do you love him? What about him do you love?

Was your dad this miserly? Can you give egs of what dad was like? How did it affect your mum?

Can you imagine being on maternity leave with this kind of man? You’ll have the most very basic of everything and even then he’ll be moaning you didn’t pay half. He’ll make you feel permanently guilty. You may well be forced back to work before you’re ready and the child will be put in the cheapest daycare going, even if it’s miles away and involves some convoluted journey or other inconvenience. He’ll have you buying everything second hand and there would be other bizarre habits, like controlling when the hot water and heating are on. Imagine if you want to take the DC to a hotel with a kids club overseas - you’ll probably have to go on the coach!

I know at this point you say you don’t see why he should pay more because he’s a man. Ok, fair enough, But please don’t sleepwalk into a situation where you have a child with a man who has no concept whatsoever of the need to provide for his family at any point because there are times that you and your children may need this. If he thinks in s very inflexible way he may never be able to adapt.

12 hours on a coach for a grown man who can afford the flight, while his girlfriend flies alone? He has slipped beyond tight. This will drive you insane if you move in together.

No, not quite unanimous. We don't know from what you sayand maybe you don't know yet eitherwhether his cheapness is a peccadillo or an intractable character flaw.

I don't like bringing in anecdotal personal experience but want to point out that a good person can be a tightwad: My father learned from his own father to be a cheapie. He did that with parking, he bought enough toilet paper, tampons, tinned goods when they were on sale to stock a bomb shelter, and most memorably thought restaurant vouchers were a great thing: He suggested to my mother that they go to a place he had vouchers for. A cafe. On Valentine's Day. Which was their wedding anniversary. He was also one of the kindest and certainly the most thoughtful of all people I've known--and bought me things like a car, a stereo, a trip to a distant city as gifts. And after being sent to Coventry by wife, being read the riot act by daughter, and apologising it was only a year or so before the anniversary dinner became a family joke.

I certainly wouldn't move in with yer man without a long & intense discussion about your different attitudes toward money. As for the ticket, it wouldn't have occurred to me to buy one for myselfwhy would it?or that you would've expected me to go to something that would bore me rotten & I might even be oblivious enough to say when giving it to you 'I hope you can find someone to go with'. Again, no way of knowing is this a maddening quirk or indicative of deep unpleasantness in him..

OP - I've been thinking about this overnight because I have a friend who is a bit like this and it nearly destroyed his marriage. He's happy to pay for expensive things when he sees they are necessary/valuable, but he has a habit of being entirely tight with small things. She told me once that the moment she really questioned whether she could stay with him was when they were out sightseeing for a day in a major city and he insisted on taking dodgy sandwiches to eat that he'd made in the little hotel area. She didn't mind that he didn't want to plan a big lunch out, but she honestly couldn't understand why on this lovely holiday they could splash out a few pounds for a pret-style equivalent sandwich. It was the final straw.

They've had a lot of counselling and as far as I know are rock solid now, but it really did almost break them.

he knew I said I didn't, but thinks this is silly

That’s is the bit of this which stands out the most for me.

You’ve told him how you feel and he tells you that’s wrong.

I would run very fast now-he is showing you what sort of person he is. Listen

Yes really weird, DP has been to see my favourite band twice and he does not like them at all

I can't stand most the bands DP loves but I would always buy him two tickets & expect to sit through the audio horrors – it would miserly to send him off alone for his birthday treat while I sat at home counting my change or clipping coupons or whatever your boyfriend does for fun.

Your examples of tightness remind me of my terrible ex who, when we were moving in together across the country, didn't want to go halves on a moving van for our stuff as his things could just fit in his mum's car & she could drive him, so the van was my problem. Never mind that my stuff was bedding that he would sleep on, pots & pans that he would use to cook, plates to eat off, towels to dry himself, etc.

Honestly, he sounds joyless & unrewarding to be with as it is, but add in his dismissal of your feelings as "silly" and I would dump in a heartbeat. It's only going to get worse if you move in together.

Agree with holidayshopping - you told him you didn’t want to go by yourself and he disregarded it and said you were silly!!! So effectively, not only didn’t get a present that you wanted, but got one he wanted you to have.

Also, I think he is tight rather than careful, if you want to go out on a Friday or Saturday night because it’s the weekend you should be able to go for a meal out, not go mid week because you have a voucher!
I also agree, he’ll be the type that makes you save every penny for Maternity leave and refused to realise that it’s his child as well. You read threads about it all the time on mumsnet.
Seriously, don’t compare to the ex bf, try and compare to an average type - ie your friends bf’s.

DH is happy to go to a gig alone if I don't want to go. Similarly I'm going to London in a few weeks to see a show that he doesn't care about because it's expensive and that money would be wasted on him.

BUT I wouldn't go to gig alone, and he wouldn't go to the cinema/theatre alone. It's a very personal thing and for him to tell you that your feelings are "wrong" is belittling and demeaning. I couldn't put up with that.

I agree if you are thinking of moving in together in the future, you must discuss finances first, especially if you wish to have a family. You would be protected the most if you were married. Would you have a joint account and access to money ? Would you take time off work to raise children. If you went back to work, would you pay half the child care each ? Do you really want to be financially dependant on another person ?

you told him you didn’t want to go by yourself and he disregarded it and said you were silly!!! So effectively, not only didn’t get a present that you wanted, but got one he wanted you to have.

Maybe he forgot the details of what she said.

If I buy my DP a concert ticket, I always buy 2 and tell her she is welcome to take who she wants.

She always chooses me though, and I have been to many gigs where I am not fussed on the band because thats the nice thing to do!

vice versa. I am dragging her to see LP in Birmingham in May, she has never heard of her lol

He's tight.

When you have kids and he gives them 10 pence pocket money a month, it'll be you bailing them out. Paying for everything, taking them to activities.

Sorry op but I'm with the majority here. The things you are describing move into tight or controlling not careful.

Your example about restaurants, say you wanted to go out on a Saturday or to a restaurant you have no vouchers for, what would happen? This will tell you a lot. Will he just refuse? Fight it but agree eventually because it's important to you? Ask you to pay extra because it's you insisting? Or just say "I don't see why not, we've saved loads on meals recently"?

The ignoring your differing viewpoint is really worrying. The tightness is worrying. Add them together and you have a set up which may become controlling in the future, particularly if you are vulnerable on maternity leave etc.

He is very stingy, isn't he? I can see why your friends think so.

I'd have called time on this relationship, because it isn't going to get better, it will get worse. All those things you're being tolerant about now - like his preferring to get a coach alone than be with you, because it's cheaper - are going to get more grating rather than less. He's annoyed if you want to eat somewhere you don't have discounts for? He'd rather not go to a concert you want to see even if it means he's not with you? He'd rather drive around looking for a parking spot he doesn't have to pay for, even though he's not with you? These things are not careful, they are definitely tight!

He's a bit of a joy sponge. You can do better than this OP, and you deserve better.

joy sponge loving that!

Just to answer some of the q's:

Buffering and saccade if it was for a reason/special occasion he'd be fine. e.g for example when I had a promotion he said he'd treat me. I fancied going to a nice brasserie which obviously didn't have any discounts on and that was no issue. Similarly when we went to London in the summer we had cocktails in the skygarden and again he was happy to do that as part of the experience - he didn't say we can have water and then go to wetherspoons for a drink! But if we were just out on a random Thursday night and I fancied Pizza hut but we had a voucher for Pizza express (we usually go to nicer restaurants but just to give an example of two places with similar food and price) he would probably be a bit grumpy, yes.

bettybyebye and the others who asked his good points: unfortunately, yes. I really do love him and can honestly envision a future with him. If I wasn't that bothered believe me I'd have got shot long ago. I'd much prefer to be single rather than with someone who actively makes me miserable - which at the moment he doesn't, but I'm just considering the future.

His good points are loads: funny, interesting, clever, good-looking, hard-working, kind, very compatible sexually, financially solvent, responsible, polite, an actual grown up unlike so many man-children I have both met and read about on MN! Respectful. Lots of shared interests, but also not clingy or jealous. When we had only been going out a few months a close relative of mine died - he gave up his last few days of AL he'd been saving for a holiday to fly up with me, helped support me and my family, spent the day of the funeral transporting elderly relatives to and from their houses/crem/pub, installed some new electrics for my mum, and then helped me with all the executor/probate stuff afterwards. So he's very generous with his time/support.

Bluntness and Sparkie Yes he does have friends. When I said 'loner' I didn't mean he does everything alone - if there's something he wants to go to he'll ask me/them but if nobody fancies it, or there's faffing about who can do what date, he's happy to go alone. It doesn't hugely affect his enjoyment whether he's with someone else or not, whereas I would always prefer not to be alone. He also has a solitary sport (cycling) he does quite a bit of but he has a very sociable job so say he needs that time alone to chill out and destress, which I think is normal for introverts?

But thanks for giving me a lot to think about, and for confirming that two tickets is the norm!

OP after reading your update, he does sound like a good egg.

But I would make sure you know where you stand financially when you do have kids and live together.

Make sure that he respects your differing view points, and listens to you, not always you bowing to his expectations.

If you reach the stage of commiting to life together, be clear about your boundaries and how they will change with circumstances such as mat leave, part time working, childcare. Fair is not always going halves.

It does concern me that he will go to great lengths and false economies to penny pinch (e.g. the parking). Resentment is a very effective way to destroy a relationship.

TBH, from your update, it does sound likes his 'carefulness' with money is just one of his less appealing quirks in an otherwise good character. We all have them and as long as you're aware of them (and PLEASE have the 'how will we handle finances in the event of a maternity leave?' chat before you move in together) you should be able to live with it.

However, I still think giving you one ticket is weird!