Is this normal re: possibly stingy dp (trivial!)

[onceandneveragain]

'Warning - before anyone jumps down my throat - I am aware this is a very first world problem, am lucky to have anyone who acknowledges my birthday, buys me a present, etc.'

Have been seeing dp for about a year - not living together yet but planning to soon and spend a lot of time together. Relationship is mainly great but there have been a few little niggles and then this....

I mentioned off-hand some time before my birthday that I wanted to see a band who were playing in a city about 1hr and a half away, but didn't have anybody to go with. Then on bday opened up an envelope from dp with a ticket to go to the show. I was really happy, grateful, etc., suggested maybe going up to the city, staying over and making a night of it, which he agreed to. A few weeks later I suggested a few hotels, dp said that he might have to work that night so may not stay over. I was a bit puzzled and said that would be a waste of his (quite expensive) ticket.DP was equally - what did I mean 'his' ticket? He'd only bought the one, for me. He's not bothered about the band (I did know this) so it would be a waste of money for him to go.

While yes, I was aware I had only opened the one ticket I just assumed he had also bought one for himself! Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no issue doing things by myself - I live alone and also travel for work, and am used to eating out by myself, going to the cinema, etc. It's just, for me, a live gig is one of those things it's much more fun to go with someone else. I know some people go to gigs alone, and good for them, but it's just not something I personally enjoy, which is why I didn't buy a ticket for myself originally - I was perfectly able to afford it if I wanted, and he knew this; my exact words were 'Oh, I'd like to go and see X but nobody will go with me.'

Especially if you are buying this type of thing for a present surely it is normal to buy two tickets? Even if he didn't want to suck it up and come, (as I would, and have, for something he wanted to do), so I could go with someone else (which is what I have done in the past, e.g. for my mum to see a show I didn't fancy). Other times I have clubbed together with mates where we all bought our own ticket to a festival or whatever and then shared the cost of the birthday person's. I've never considered just buying that one person a ticket for themselves!

We have had an argument because I said this was weird, and I would probably try and sell the ticket to treat myself to something else. DP thinks I am being ungrateful because he put the effort in to buy me something I'd mentioned, and 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' as I want to see the band.

So AIBU to think most people prefer to attend events with someone else and wouldn't give an individual ticket as a gift? I did a vox pol of friends and colleagues who agreed with me it was a bit weird (although some of them aren't that keen on DP anyway) but am more than happy to hear alternative responses!

Does he really hate whoever is performing? Just a thought. My oh's music tastes and mine are poles apart - I let him see ac/dc on his own, no way was I going. However, he should have got you two tickets so you could chose your companion if he didn't want to go.

Well it does sound very peculiar OP. I’m not really sure what to say .

The correct thing for him to do know would be to get himself a ticket and book the hotel / dinner for you to make a night of it.

He sounds like someone who is slightly socially inept? Maybe not a bad personal at all, but just struggles to relate to social norms?

My DH buys me single concert tickets for presents - but at my request. YANBU to have assumed he had bought two in this case it’s definitely the ‘done thing’

It sounds like he lacks insight into this situation. Like the thought process was She likes that band, I’ll get her a ticket without recognising that gigs are usually a shared experience. It’s not weird on your part to have thought he’d get two. Someone my Dad likes played locally recently and we got him two tickets so he could take whoever he chose with him to the gig.

I’m curious to know what other objections people have had against him?

Bling I agree definitely not relationship ending on its own but something I'm keeping an eye on.

we go halves/alternate on everything. If we eat out its almost always somewhere we can use the tastecard/other vouchers. This is normally fine as we live in a city so there are loads of options, but he would get annoyed if I wanted to eat somewhere full price, or on a saturday, when we could get a meal somewhere else or the day after for half the cost - this is one of the things I think is understandable but my friends think very stingy. If he drives us anywhere he will literally park miles away rather than pay for parking - I make him drop me closer in, especially if I'm wearing heels, which he's happy to do, but does leave me standing in the bar/theatre on my own for half an hour. Last time we went to see my family I wanted to get the plane which was about 2.1/2 hours door/door and £110 return- he wanted to get the coach which was 12hrs each way and £40odd. I pointed out that the extra money would be offset by a days extra holiday rather than being stuck on a bus but he wasn't having it (ended up we both flew up (which was the cheaper 'half' of the flight), he got the bus back). So all things I would say are more 'careful' than 'tight,' tbh.

We both own our own houses so they plan would be to split everything equally when we move in together. I don't have any concerns about that and feel a lot 'safer' at the prospect of living with him than with my ex who was generous to a fault but who had huge debts and I had to cover bills for every month until payday. The only thing I'm considering (after seeing it reoccur on MN!) is what current dp would be like if we had kids and I went on maternity and had less money to pay 'my share' - I honestly don't know if he'd be fine or resentful.

Relationship ending? Probably not. But it is odd.

Relationship ending when it's a marriage, there are kids involved, and he's otherwise a decent guy? Probably not.

Otherwise - why not?!

I have dumped for less.

It doesn't sound as if the relationship is that great, anyway - he sounds a bit dense and as if they're not even all that compatible, and they haven't even been together that long. And her friends aren't keen.

Honestly - who buys one ticket to a gig - when the recipient has expressly said she wouldn't want to go alone?! 🙄

Oh God. Cross post.

Definitely dump.

Yep thats what i thought.

I get that you're currently appreciating the difference between him and your ex, but I think you've gone too far the other way. This kind of pettiness will be exhausting long term. You might not need to worry about paying bills but it's a joy sapping way to live.

Dp has a tiny element of this and every now and again I put him straight. If he wants to stay in cheap places or travel by coach he can fill his boots but he knows not to assume I'll be doing it. He's stingy over trivial little things but generous over bigger things and gives a lot to charity. He was raised in a household where money was very tight so I do get where it comes from.

Sorry OP but he is a lot more than just careful. He is a complete tight ass. I couldn't be dealing with this. Life is too short. You have gone from one extreme to another.

OP, the dropping you off in town and then leaving you to go and park further out so as to not pay parking, is pathologically stingy, in my opinion.

Reading your updates, it does sound as if you had such a nightmare experience with your ex, that you’ll put up with anything from this one, as long as he’s not dragging you into debt.

You do realise other people wouldn’t put up with this, If I was with someone who would rather get in the coach for 12 hours, rather than fly with me, just to save a few quid, I would be beyond livid. I would actually think they were a loon.

Even regardless of all this, the whole 50/50 splitting on everything sounds too pedantic to me. I couldn’t cope. He should want to take you on a date and treat you, not dump you in bars to stand alone; fuss about vouchers and then expect you to pay half. What happened to romance and effort fgs? I couldn’t cope.

I think you need to be very clear with him that his behaviour around money is bordering on obsessive and it’s getting to the point where he’s making a fool of himself over it. Do you think he would be able to take this on board? Maybe some therapy might help?

Nah. He’s not careful, he’s a miser.

You’ll be back on here in 5 years with a baby, broke on maternity leave because he won’t ‘sub’ you because that’s how he’ll see it.

It will be cold because he won’t want the heating on before December.

‘Nice’ food will be frivolous.

You will have a joyless existence.

So all things I would say are more 'careful' than 'tight,' tbh

Do you really think that? Are you also stingy? I can't really understand why you'd think it otherwise even if your ex was a spender. He is simply tight.

Not sure I could deal with it, I put earn my husband, but haven't always, both of us are sensible , but we are also generous, with each other and with our friends and always have been, I wouldn't wish to be with someone who lacked generosity, and squeaked when they put their hands in their pocket.

So either you've a touch of it youtself, or you're trying to defend what you know deep down it is.

Of course buying you one ticket and not taking you is shit.

@formerbabe

i once dated someone like this i ended it It doesnt get better OP.

When you say he's a big of a loner, does he have any friends.?

Personally I cannot stand stinginess, especially when it’s over trivial amounts of money and there’s no need for it.

IMO he should have bought a ticket and gone with you because even though he doesn’t like the band it would show that he cares about you enjoying it.

Sometimes DH will come to things he doesn’t want to with me and vice versa, it’s part of being in a relationship.

When you say he's a big of a loner, does he have any friends.?

I think we all know the answer to this. Socially inept misers aren't usually known for them.

Having said that, he managed to woo the OP, so who knows...

Disclaimer: I know 'socially inept' sounds harsh, but I mean it in an objective way. The sort of man who knows you wouldn't want to do something alone, but buys you a gift which means you have to, and then makes you out to be the bad guy when you don't want to do it is, objectively, socially inept.

I am bearing these comments in mind! I think I have more tolerance of it because my dad is tight in very similar ways but otherwise lovely, so I've grown up with it as being normal-ish!

Honestly, bluntness? to some extent perhaps I am careful with money, but that is probably the influence of a) my dad growing up and b)my ex nearly getting us into huge amounts of debt c) saving carefully for a few years to afford my own house. However I would say the difference is whereas I sometimes (not always) struggle to justify spending money on myself I'm fine with treating others. So while I would buy myself a cheaper eyeshadow palette I would have no qualms about splurging on the Urban Decay one for my sister's bday, if that makes sense?

My differentiation between careful and tight is 'careful' is going out for a meal on Thursday rather than Friday when voucher is applicable so it's half the price. He will then pay the full amount (post discount!) one week and me the next. 'Tight' would be applying discount and then him saying 'Well I had the x dish so half that is £8.42, whereas you had the Y so half that is £9.20' IYCWIM? But I take your point that neither is completely carefree!

It just seems a waste to end an otherwise great relationship for minor irritants which currently don't really affect me at all - e.g in the examples mentioned if he wants to waste his day sitting on a coach, crack on, I'll see him when he gets there. It honestly didn't bother me to fly alone, particularly as we'd spent the whole holiday together. If he makes catsbummouth about going to expensive restaurant I'll just go there with my friends instead. The car parking thing - I do agree it's a mad, and have pointed out that driving me in and then back is spending petrol anyway, but as long as I'm in the warmth sipping a drink I can't say it's a huge issue. My friend who was horrified at this refuses to ever go anywhere by herself and sits in the car until someone else has arrived rather than be the first in the pub which I think is equally strange so I struggle to see what is the 'norm' sometimes! Aren't we all odd in some ways?

I don't really see the issue with splitting things 50/50 when we earn very similar amounts - don't see why him being male means he's obliged to spend more?

But this is all currently - I agree I need to have a discussion about his expectations as to what will happen in the future.

But this is all currently - I agree I need to have a discussion about his expectations as to what will happen in the future.

Of course it's put-up-with-able currently.

You don't live together. It's just an annoyance right now (read: deal-breaker for most people).

By the time it becomes downright intolerable - even for you - you'll be living together, paper worked-up, possibly married and have kids to massively complicate things further.

It'll be much easier to extricate yourself then. Not.

The 🚩 🚩🚩 are out and flapping in the breeze just for you, but ultimately you know what you're happy with and willing to accept.

Yup definitely odd and tight. Is this really who you want to be with long term?

Strange. And tight.

And he doesn't value you or your time together.

What about him is amazing? So wonderful that you want to live with him?

I think it's a bit odd and might show that he struggles to understand some social rules. That isn't a big deal.

What I would struggle with is him insisting that how you feel is wrong and effectively ruining your present because he feels you should change your feelings.

Yanbu and I couldn't tolerate your examples of tightness!

I like a bargain and I'm happy to use our Tesco vouchers out for a Pizza Express meal with the DCs, but honestly, the thought of having to hang around a bar for half an hour or travel back from a holiday by myself because my DH was too tight to pay for parking or buy a plane ticket is actually quite depressing.

This is not going to improve. As PPs have asked, what happens if/when DCs come along? Are you still going to be expected to pay for half of everything?

My dad is/was 'careful' with money and great in many other ways, but TBH, I'm quite glad to be married to somebody who isn't like that.