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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another "no kids at wedding" thread

62 replies

havingtochangeusernameagain · 25/02/2019 14:37

Except that my son is 16 and not invited. He is the groom's cousin, it's my husband's nephew who is getting married. DS will have finished exams/school by the time of the wedding. Info with invite says no kids.

WIBU to ask if ds can attend?

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 25/02/2019 15:05

I had lots of cousins at my wedding.
But that was your wedding, this isn't.
I was happy for her to be bridesmaid and didn't think it was bad form to ask.
It so is bad form! That's serious CF territory. Someone's boundaries are very skewed!!

Original poster
havingtochangeusernameagain · 25/02/2019 15:05

No drip feed, no SN. What I don't know if the other cousins (all over 18) are invited - only one of whom has a child themselves - they all live a lot closer than we do although we're only 90 minutes or so drive away. But it doesn't matter. This is the first family wedding in a very long time, so the issue has never arisen before, kids or no kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
havingtochangeusernameagain · 25/02/2019 15:06

It so is bad form! That's serious CF territory. Someone's boundaries are very skewed

Why? I could have said no. And it's family.

OP posts:
justonemoreminutepls · 25/02/2019 15:06

It depends on their reasoning.
We all like to drink a lot and so we would mainly want 18+ so that everyone there is legally able to drink and enjoy themselves til ridiculous o'clock, and if there reasoning is similar, I'd say it's fair enough. Could be licensing issues with bar too if underagers there.

I don't see the issues, don't you want a night to just enjoy yourself without your kids around?!

oh4forkssake · 25/02/2019 15:07

If he's not invited, he's not invited. It may well be a numbers thing. My sister didn't invite all our cousins to her wedding for numbers.

blueskiesovertheforest · 25/02/2019 15:08

havingtochangeusernameagain does your son actually want to go?

Perhaps your husband's nephew is being guilted into inviting extended family by his parents and has compromised on his parents siblings and their spouses but not cousins because he wants to invite a lot of friends who play bigger roles in his life (and the same again for his wife).

A 16 year old is easier to leave home alone than a 6 year old (assuming no relevant special needs) so less of an issue. I'd be surprised if he wants to go.

Is it local? Or would it necessitate leaving him overnight, in which case I'd probably decline.

Petitprince · 25/02/2019 15:08

Every person there will cost them money. Maybe they'd rather spend that money on a friend attending, or save it altogether?

blueskiesovertheforest · 25/02/2019 15:09

Cross post - sorry ignore questions you've answered obviously!

What you're not saying is whether your son is even interested in going.

noenergy · 25/02/2019 15:10

Does it say MR & MRS on the card or family. That's the biggest clue

purplecorkheart · 25/02/2019 15:10

If your son is named on the invite then he is invited and if he is not named then he is not.

Please do not ask. Planning a wedding is stressful enough without people asking for extra people to come. What you did and who you invited to your wedding is not relevant. (I cannot believe some one was so rude to ask could their daughter be a bridesmaid.)

SemperIdem · 25/02/2019 15:12

The nephew is under no obligation to invite your son just because he was himself invited to your wedding.

Original poster
havingtochangeusernameagain · 25/02/2019 15:13

My son said he doesn't care.

So that kind of answers the issue anyway. It was more "are they not inviting him because they've forgotten how old he is and he's not a little kid" or "are they not inviting him because they don't want cousins there".

I wasn't remotely offended about the bridesmaid thing. It was my cousin, not some far flung "friend" I'd not seen for years.

OP posts:
Whatnotea · 25/02/2019 15:14

Are you sure he is not invited?
I would ask the groom or his mother or father just to clarify.

PurpleDaisies · 25/02/2019 15:14

If he doesn’t care, what’s the point in this thread? Confused

ellenalex · 25/02/2019 15:15

I think that you should be able to ask 'just to clarify is DS invited? Not sure how the no kids rule applies with 16yo' and just accept whatever the answer is. I don't think that's bad form. But you shouldn't say 'can ds come?' that's not fair.

ForalltheSaints · 25/02/2019 15:20

Their wedding, they choose the guest list. If you decline as the 16 year old is not invited (if that is the case), then your decision but equally the bride and groom should not be offended.

downcasteyes · 25/02/2019 15:24

I know that 16 is technically a child still, but I always assumed "no children" invites meant the under-12s really, as anything older than that is a teenager? I always guessed the point was to stop random screaming/shouting/disturbance in the ceremony? I'm now wondering whether I've totally misunderstood!

PurpleDaisies · 25/02/2019 15:31

downcasteyes it also cuts numbers and costs.

Springwalk · 25/02/2019 15:34

Well op if they are not cf for asking if their child can come and be bridesmaid Confused because they are family, I can’t understand why you haven’t called them and said the same. DS may not be bothered but you may feel differently once there with everyone else but your son...

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/02/2019 15:37

Their wedding, their choices. You say he doesnt care and as he is 16 I bet he would rather be doing something much more interesting. So its a win-win all round surely

SparkyBlue · 25/02/2019 15:41

It wouldn't ever enter my head to expect a 16 year old to be invited. Most 16 year old boys would hate that kind of thing anyway.

Shookethtothecore · 25/02/2019 15:44

We didn’t have cousins at our wedding. Dh has 11 and at £75 a head we just didn’t see them enough to Give them a place over someone we did. My cousin we see regularly (I only have 1) she came but her 16yr old son was not invited. I was worrying about telling her as I love him but he would of been the only teen, bored and it would of cut numbers for people we felt would of enjoyed it more. I would of made space if they were offended tho. I went and asked them what they thought. Both of them jumped at the idea of him not going. Cousin Nd husband could relax, 16 year old didn’t have to scrub up and behave and got to hang out with his mates instead.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 25/02/2019 15:45

Of course you should ask.

I had no children at the evening do (unless they were there during the day) but someone still asked me if they could bring their child to the evening. I wasn't bothered they'd asked but the answer remained the same, no.

IHateUncleJamie · 25/02/2019 15:46

Have I missed what it says on the invitation? “OP & DH” or “Surname Family”?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 25/02/2019 15:58

downcasteyes - in Scotland the op's 16 year old son could have his own wedding! (no, it's not a good law).
He's not been invited.
He doesn't want to go.
Could be umpteen different reasons he wasn't asked.
Op and her husband should go to the wedding and enjoy it.
I also have a similar "gripe" (years old). Anybody want to hear it? Grin