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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just walk away today ?

54 replies

doordie · 25/02/2019 12:57

I've been a full time carer of a family member for years.
I can't do it anymore
There's nobody else who will help me
Aibu to ring s/s right now and say no I'm done.
Does that make me a bitch?

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 25/02/2019 15:08

@doordie I’m not unsympathetic but you can’t keep posting these threads and doing nothing about it. It’s untenable me for you.

Please just act on the advice you always get because it’s always the same.

Original poster
doordie · 25/02/2019 15:08

I'm gonna ring them and see if they can send someone out tomorrow.
Hopefully they can.
I don't know how my aunt and uncle can live with themselves I really don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
doordie · 25/02/2019 15:09

It hasn't been easy for me to do this.
I've always thought it will improve
It's the tiredness talking
Trying to find any excuse not to do it
I really can't do it no more tho it's clear totally for me now
This is the day I do change this for myself now.
If my mum was alive she wouldn't want me like this.

OP posts:
TheFirstRuleOfFightClub · 25/02/2019 15:11

People also find they 'inherit' care. It starts off with a weekly brew and a bit of shopping, then you help with that and a couple of showers a week, then they can't hear so well so you take over the correspondence, their shoulders are full of arthritis so you start to call round before work to put their top on. Before you know it, they are completely dependant on you and neither of you saw it coming. So common and the guilt on both parts stop either from asking for help.

Doordie, they will have seen it all before many, many times.

IvanaPee · 25/02/2019 15:18

I really hope you stick to your guns! You deserve a life of your own. You need a break. Flowers

Original poster
doordie · 25/02/2019 15:21

That's what happened 14 years ago.
I was going once a day just to check on her and stay for a hour.
Now 14 years later I'm here 12 hour days
Thankyou so much for your help.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 25/02/2019 15:22

I really hope you go through with it OP. Everyone has been telling you to do it for months. It's the right thing for you and your grandma.

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub · 25/02/2019 15:25

Doordie That's the age old story! I hope you get the help you need, at 97 I can't see why they wouldn't place her in a home if that's what you both want.

Let me know if I can help you at all with the process, it should be very straight forward now.

Good luck, you know where I am.

Lemonsquinky · 25/02/2019 15:27

Being someone's carer is so hard. I was at breaking point in January. I am getting help now. I felt like such a failure because I couldn't do it anymore. But talking to professionals made me realise how much I had been doing and why it wasn't sustainable. My situation is different to yours as I care for ds1 who has additional needs. Asking for help is a positive thing. I just want you to know that you are amazing to have worked so hard for someone else's benefit and brave for asking for help. You are not to feel like a bitch. You are doing the right thing for both of you. ThanksThanks

MulticolourMophead · 25/02/2019 15:30

Please, walk away. You've given more than many would.

Also, ignore any attempts at guilt tripping from your aunt. She can come here and take her turn.

JellyBaby666 · 25/02/2019 15:36

So much love, you deserve to feel better than you do currently. Hopefully you've made the call - zero judgement here. You have to care for yourself first xx

Springwalk · 25/02/2019 15:37

Call them op. You have done everything possible, now is the right time. Go and get a cup of tea and look after yourself. A burnout won’t help anyone.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 25/02/2019 15:57

I'd walk but then I'd have walked years ago.

Happyinheels · 25/02/2019 16:19

Just wanted to send you a big hug and lots of strength. There comes a point where you have to take care of yourself first. There has been so much great advice on here. I really hope you have the strength to do this. I'm so sorry that you're alone in this. My sister and I shared care of my mum and that was hard enough! But you must be utterly exhausted. Please keep us updated, if you can.Thanks

HazelBite · 25/02/2019 16:53

They can act amazingly quickly Op in an emergency. BIL is Dsis's primary carer and was admitted to hospital with heart problems. Dh and I alerted Dn and very quickly after all of us explaining that we couldn't take over care (all working full time plus Dsis very "difficult") she was found a temporary place in a care home while assessments were made and a new care plan put in place.
Look after yourself Flowers

CheshireChat · 25/02/2019 19:30

Hope you managed to get something sorted, OP.

Iseewhatyoumeanthistime · 25/02/2019 19:42

Please make the call if you haven't done so already OP, it's very very hard admitting you need help and can no longer continue in your caring capacity.... I had to do the same last summer. I was so relieved when I did. Adult social services were brilliant, it doesn't sound right saying it was the best thing I ever did- as my relative is in a care home now, but it really was, for them and me. Hope you get sorted very soon.

CheshireChat · 25/02/2019 20:15

You're at breaking point, if something happens to you then he'll have to go in a home regardless but it'll be worse for everyone involved. If you're the one making the call, you'll still be able to visit etc so you are in no way abandoning him.

CheshireChat · 26/02/2019 02:37

Perhaps unfairly, I'm going to assume you couldn't bring yourself to go ahead today, deep breaths and do it tomorrow morning- just call as soon as you're up and don't postpone it and then it'll be done.

Original poster
doordie · 26/02/2019 16:26

I'm waiting for the GP to come out now.
I called and said how not eating and can't walk without me.
They said they had to send the GP around

OP posts:
TheFirstRuleOfFightClub · 26/02/2019 17:05

Did you explain that you are at the end of your tether and will be withdrawing care? You are going to have to spell it out, if they think you are going to be involved in the care then they will include you in any support plans.

Hope you don't have to wait too long for GP, they may be part of a rapid response team? Make sure you ask the GP what they are there for and their recommendations to ss.

Original poster
doordie · 26/02/2019 17:20

I said I couldn't cope anymore.
Had a cry on the phone.
I said I can't be here 24/7 and she needs that type of care now.
I said she's not eating and barely drinking and I said that she can't walk unaided.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 26/02/2019 17:49

When the GP arrives make it very clear that you’re not providing care any longer. They’ll probably start offering support and talking you through home care. Tell them very clearly that the only option is residential care.

I know this will sound very patronizing but I’m proud of you. I’m so glad you took the first step, I know it’s been a long time coming for you. Flowers

TheFirstRuleOfFightClub · 26/02/2019 18:02

Sounds like she needs residential care now, the GP assessment will hold a lot of weight. If you need any help, give me a shout, I'm back at work tomorrow so can't check in until the evening. Good luck and you're doing really great.

CheshireChat · 26/02/2019 20:06

What did they say in the end?

Bloody good job for calling them!

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