No-one remembering my father positively

[gotin2amess]

My mother and father were married for nearly sixty years. I know it was not a 'happy' marriage, but I had assumed that they had some sort of connection.

However, when my father died, in his nineties, six years ago, my mother really showed no grief. At his funeral, when she was asked to say a few words about him, she stated simply, 'He worried a lot.' That was it.

Since then, I have asked my mother if she misses my father and she has replied adamantly, 'No' and she really does seem to be a bit happier now than when my father was alive.

My brother also has no kind words to say about his father. He states that my father was 'a miserable old ....' and that 'no-one could ever please him'.

I understand what my brother is saying and can relate to that. However, my father was also gentle, very caring to the animals he raised on the farm, he would laugh and joke about things that happened in the past.

AIBU to feel upset that no-one in my family seems to remember the positive things about my father? He was not perfect, but he had a kind and sensitive side as well.

That's so sad, perhaps they had a different relationship with him than you did

Why does it matter to you how others remember him? It’s personal surely?

Nobody cried at my fathers funeral either.

My sister thinks highly of him, me and my other sibling do not.

I remember him being loud bullish and unkind, She married the exact copy of my father and has been misterable since.

From reading this I get the impression there may be things you may not know about their marriage or his behaviour..

is your brother older?

I know it was not a 'happy' marriage

I understand what my brother is saying and can relate to that.

So neither your mother or brother are actually wrong in their opinions. Whilst it must hurt that they choose to focus on the negatives, there must be a reason for this.

You yourself seem to have very few positives when talking about your father, is there a reason you feel he should be remembered positively?

Sometimes a parent can be very different with one child than with others.

Is your brother older by any chance?

I would rather them be honest than put someone on a pedestal just because they have died which often happens. If you struggle with how they view him maybe best to avoid the toopic?

They are expressing their honest views and feelings, at this time. They’re under no obligation to you, your father or others to express “balanced” views. You have different views and feelings, which is fine, and understandably find theirs hard to hear.

Tbh, it disgusted me that my Mother cried when she saw my Abusive Father, dead.

I have to say that life is better, now the pair of them are dead.

Your Mother will have accepted that there wasn't any other option for her, but to stay married, but what a waste of a life. To be stuck in an unhappy marriage.

What your asking is unreasonable. No-one is obliged to focus on the positive of someone they've suffered under, which your Brother and Mother have.

You need to deal with your own grief in private and help your Mother to enjoy what time she has left.

Why focus on your Dad and not your Mum?

Honestly if my sister died if anything I’d feel relief.
She’s not a good person, she’s actually a very dangerous individual and I’m shocked she’s not been jailed yet. Scratch that, I don’t know because I have no contact.
I had a conversation yesterday with another sibling and was urged to remember the good things about her and consider repairing our relationship- but it’s too far gone, and there are no good things.

I know you’re grieving and it hurts, but maybe try to be mindful that they are probably grieving in a different way- for the lack of good things about her husband and his father. Maybe there were things you didn’t know.

You are not U To be upset. But have you thought that he might have been a different man to them than he was to you. My husband grew up without his father around ( His mum was told not to bring him around for contact anymore from around age 6) whereas his ( full and older ) sister lived with his dad and new wife. Her dad is very different to the 'dad' that my husband knows. Though we are all in amicable contact now, if he were to die tomorrow they would have very different things to say about him. I have a friend who's father was almost abusive to her brother where he treated her like his little princess.

You may not know the full details of your mother's relationship with him- there may be way more to it than you ever realised.

It says a lot about a man, that she was with him for 60years and has nothing good to say- she sounds relieved that he is gone and that's her prerogative.

Sorry for the loss of your father.

It sounds like your family did a lot of pretending everything was fine and putting on a good face while your dad was alive, and now he's dead they are relieved they don't have to continue. It sounds like you're the only one still invested in the "happy family" myth.

I think you have to accept that your parents marriage was not a happy one - I know that's tough and that the "child" bit of you is still desperate for mummy and daddy to be the perfect couple, but the adult bit can surely understand that that wasn't the case?

Ditto with your brother - he had a different relationship with your father than you did, and he has a right to express that, just as much as you have a right to express your more positive memories.

Ultimately, you can't dictate that they remember your father in a more positive way just to make you feel comfortable.

People have different relationships- your brother may have grown up being criticised at length. Also your mother doesn’t sounded like she’s had the most fulfilling time...

One of my parents and their siblings have COMPLETELY different opinions about my grandad. My parents firmly believes he was a kind, gentle, patient man, they are adamant he was a tyrant who ruled with a firm hand. 🤷‍♀️

We practically had to sit on my grandmother to keep her from dancing on my grandfather's grave when he died. Everyone thought he was a lovely guy, but at home he was an abusive twat. He was nice to everyone almost except my grandmother and a few others (several of whom were his kids). Women didn't used to be able to divorce so easily if at all and were conditioned to accept living miserably once married a lot of times. YABU.

I can relate to this. My father died just short of my parents fiftieth anniversary. My mother's comment in the day following was how she was not going to be a grieving widow, she intended to live her life now the way she always wanted and couldn't when he was around. Looking back, this was quite shocking. i think as time went on she has realised how she misses him and what his companionship meant, but he was a very difficult man who could be unpleasant, but he also had a wonderful side. I think there are probably things I don't know about their marriage also. She has hinted as much.
My brother was shocked and grieving at the time, but now he doesn't have a good word to say about my father, and actively seems to hate his memory.
My other sibling never mentions him. It's very sad.

When my Dad died I wrote the elegy for his funeral and I found that very comforting. Why not write your own and post it with a photo of him on one of the memorial sites on the internet. You don't have to mention this to your Mum or brother but at least your loving feelings for your Dad will be out there in the ether.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you, it's hard to lose a parent.

Our neighbour at 70 has just died. It will be almost impossible for anyone locally to fnd anything positive to say. He was so unpleasant that 'he's a bit of a character' seemed too warm. We are all sticking to 'facts'.

My parents, who get on fantastically with their neighbours, find this attitude almost wicked. It's hard for humans not to underplay the bad at the point of death.

I'm the other eay round - lots of people think of my dad as a top bloke, but i know what went on behind closed doors. I have slso learnt that people actively dislike kearning the reality and will punish you for mentioning it.

Just got to let it go - stick to your own memories, but respect that others' differed.

I saw my grandma over the weekend and she casually mentioned that her favourite decade so far has been 70-80. Thinking about it, that was the decade after she was widowed. Although I loved my grandfather very much, I have to accept that being his wife may have been a very different experience.

I kind of had the opposite problem... My older sister always had a difficult relationship with my dad. When he died suddenly, she memorably said to me, the day after his death, "I expect you're more upset than I am. You were closer with him than I was."

She refused to have any role in planning the funeral, saying "it's just too difficult for me", leaving it to my mum, me and my dad's older brother to plan everything.

When he was ill, the year prior, she couldn't have given a rats ass, whereas I (the child who lives furthest away), gave up almost all my holiday time that year to help care for him. She went once, under duress, but only because I told her to.

Honestly, while he was alive, she never had a good word to say about him...
But now, I see her on social media constantly, whenever someone dies she's all woe is me, my dad died, we were so close, it's so difficult, I miss him.
I do my best to ignore it, but she seems to have done a 180 on her opinion of him, since he died, and that's hard for me to deal with. She completely washed her hands of the day to day practicalities of a ill/dead parent, but now all the fuss is over, she won't shut up about it.

You can’t force someone to grieve. I had a bad relationship with my mother. I was so ashamed at how relieved I felt when she died. All the people saying ‘positive’ things about her made it worse because it just rubbed in how little she loved me and how much worse she treated me than others. I know it’s normal to reach out when grieving but your family clearly aren’t the people to do that with. You need to consider the impact that doing so may have on them. If he had any friends maybe you would like to go for coffee with them and remeber him together?

I must say it's strange to ask for your mother to say a few words at her husband's funeral. In my experience the immediate family are better off containing their grief, rather than needing to be part of the service, although I have heard some take part.

@OP. Do you remember your father differently to your brother? Can you try talking to some other relatives?

People deal with grief differently, and relationships within families can be very different too. When my MIL died last year, very few tears were shed. My BIL and his wife were the only ones who seemed particularly upset, but then he was the Golden Child and spared much of the abuse that my DH and his youngest brother experienced. I was surprised at myself that my only emotion was anger that she’d died before the big redemption scene where she acknowledged that perhaps my DH isn’t a waste of space and a constant disappointment. I’d never admit this IRL but our lives have improved since she died. Although BIL is on a downward spiral without his DM. I’m sorry for your loss.

Thank you for the advice and sharing of experiences. It is good to discuss different perspectives.

I do not think I am being 'manipulative' and trying to 'wheedle false sentiments' from total strangers, but I do understand that people have the right to make bitchy comments on an online forum if they have no other way of amusing themselves.

Were you the Golden Child OP?