No-one remembering my father positively

[gotin2amess]

My mother and father were married for nearly sixty years. I know it was not a 'happy' marriage, but I had assumed that they had some sort of connection.

However, when my father died, in his nineties, six years ago, my mother really showed no grief. At his funeral, when she was asked to say a few words about him, she stated simply, 'He worried a lot.' That was it.

Since then, I have asked my mother if she misses my father and she has replied adamantly, 'No' and she really does seem to be a bit happier now than when my father was alive.

My brother also has no kind words to say about his father. He states that my father was 'a miserable old ....' and that 'no-one could ever please him'.

I understand what my brother is saying and can relate to that. However, my father was also gentle, very caring to the animals he raised on the farm, he would laugh and joke about things that happened in the past.

AIBU to feel upset that no-one in my family seems to remember the positive things about my father? He was not perfect, but he had a kind and sensitive side as well.

I do not think I am being 'manipulative' and trying to 'wheedle false sentiments' from total strangers, but I do understand that people have the right to make bitchy comments on an online forum if they have no other way of amusing themselves.

You misunderstand -- that poster was saying that you are trying to 'wheedle false sentiments' from your brother and mother, who have the right to remember your father in their own way, and not the way you feel he should be remembered.

My mother would be terribly shocked if she knew that my sister and I danced around the kitchen when our grandmother died she lived with us for years, and was a bitter and unpleasant woman I don't ever remember saying anything remotely positive because she feels grandchildren 'should' love their grandparents, regardless of whether said grandparent had ever shown them the remotest kindness.

Obviously, we didn't tell my mother this, but the fact remains, we were delighted when our grandmother died. It made all our lives better, even my mother's.

When I read that they didn’t have a happy marriage, what I hear is that he was abusive. That is colored by my own experience and my own mother staying in a bad situation. My younger siblings was never fully aware of the extent of the issues because I shielded her as best as a I could and my mother only relied on me to help her with injuries.

I am not saying your father was abusive. I am saying, that if they are having a very different reaction to his death, there are probably secrets that you don’t want to know and they don’t want to share. They want you to be free to love him without complication. Accept that as a gift and a
Sign that in their own way, they loved him too.

CantStopMeNow
Were you the Golden Child OP?

It is possible that the brother was the mother's golden child, or many other possibilities where they have changed the narrative on his life.

It is also more likely that the OP has a completely different relationship with her father than her mother and brother.

When my father in law does die , I expect no one to say 1 good thing about him, and not many to turn up. He knows this though, and he knows how awful he is as a person so is expecting it.