To be at my wits end with people judging 3yo ds?

[CailleachBheurh]

Just want a bit of a rant really.

I have a just turned 3yo ds who we strongly suspect is autistic. He is very tall for his age and, particularly now that he looks less babyish, people assume that he is at least a year older than he is.
I'm also a young mum and I feel that because of these two factors (but mostly because he looks older than he is) he gets judged much more harshly for his behaviour than other kids his age.

I took him to a cafe in town today as a treat as he'd been brilliantly behaved while we were shopping. He was mostly pretty well behaved although he did start crying when he got cream on his finger and then he wanted to drink the last of his tea with a teaspoon.
The crying I dealt with very quickly and he was quite happy once his hands had been wiped but let him drink the tea with a teaspoon as he wasn't making a mess or disturbing anyone.
As we were paying on the way out the woman serving me made a comment about how badly behaved he'd been and I felt about ready to start sobbing as I'd just been feeling so proud of him for being well behaved all day.

On the other hand their was another little boy who looked about 3yo as well who spent most of the time running around the tables and the staff were just laughing and smiling at him and telling his family not to worry about it.

I'm just so frustrated that people outside my family don't understand how hard he's trying to be well behaved and I'm so scared he's going to be labelled as the naughty boy once he's started school.

'was holding him when I went over to pay. She asked how everything was, I paid and then she nodded and him and said ' He's not very well behaved is he?''

How extremely odd that the cashier also commented on his quick crying outburst.

Just such an odd thing to say

I would have politely said Sorry? as if you hadn't quite heard, and get them to repeat it for confirmation. I would then laugh heartily, stop abruptly and say Can I speak to your manager now please?
Even if a young child had been 'badly behaved', she should not comment in that way. Very rude, very bad customer service that the manager needs to be aware of.

"It was full caffeine tea but with loads of milk and no sugar.
He got it at his grandparents once and now it's his favourite drink."

I'm a child of the 60's, we were raised on tea. It's fine, fins a decaf one, by all means, but it's no big deal.

I used to just say my DD was non verbal. I take a little boy out, who time will tell, is on the Spectrum or has a sensory processing disorder. I just say that he's on the Spectrum.

It just stops someone from persisting at trying to get them to engage.

It is a young mother thing. I'm still amazed at how well I was treated with my last baby and now when I'm babysitting, as opposed to when I was a young Mum.

I see my DD being treated in the same way.

I don’t see such a big problem with her making the comment (although ill judged), but I just feel bad for you, OP. It seems as though you judged the situation well and when your DS had been well-behaved all day, it sucks that you now feel as though you are forced to question your decision to take him into the cafe.

Sounds as though you’re doing a good job and are really responsive to your DS. I wish that some people wouldn’t just jump to the conclusion of ‘badly behaved’, when there could well be other factors in play.

Thing is, everyone has an opinion when you’ve got kids out in public. I’m learning very quickly that I need to develop a thicker skin.

All this woe about tea !
Chill out some of you
I had tea from toddler hood as did all of my 4DC . No harm came to them or their teeth for gods sake,

He doesnt sound like he was badly behaved at all. Just a normal 3 year old.
My gut reaction would have been to just reply "no. I think hes been really well behaved". death stare
Don't worry.
Even not replying- kids don't have to talk to people they don't want to!
Sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Don't beat yourself up.
But decaf tea- if only for your sanity! Surely he's bouncing all the walls after caffeine?!