To be at my wits end with people judging 3yo ds?

[CailleachBheurh]

Just want a bit of a rant really.

I have a just turned 3yo ds who we strongly suspect is autistic. He is very tall for his age and, particularly now that he looks less babyish, people assume that he is at least a year older than he is.
I'm also a young mum and I feel that because of these two factors (but mostly because he looks older than he is) he gets judged much more harshly for his behaviour than other kids his age.

I took him to a cafe in town today as a treat as he'd been brilliantly behaved while we were shopping. He was mostly pretty well behaved although he did start crying when he got cream on his finger and then he wanted to drink the last of his tea with a teaspoon.
The crying I dealt with very quickly and he was quite happy once his hands had been wiped but let him drink the tea with a teaspoon as he wasn't making a mess or disturbing anyone.
As we were paying on the way out the woman serving me made a comment about how badly behaved he'd been and I felt about ready to start sobbing as I'd just been feeling so proud of him for being well behaved all day.

On the other hand their was another little boy who looked about 3yo as well who spent most of the time running around the tables and the staff were just laughing and smiling at him and telling his family not to worry about it.

I'm just so frustrated that people outside my family don't understand how hard he's trying to be well behaved and I'm so scared he's going to be labelled as the naughty boy once he's started school.

Please don’t worry too much OP. The woman who made the comment was very rude. I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to make a comment about a child’s behaviour unless you are a family member, teacher, etc.

@CailleachBheurh what were her words? i just cannot imagine telling a random parent their child had been badly behaved if it was nothing to do with me. Especially if I was at work (I would obviously worry about being rude to a customer).

I hadn't thought of decaff tea before as he only has it about once a month but I will definitely get that in future.

He was definitely otherwise well behaved. They only things that I can think of are that he had to be reminded to stay in his chair a couple of times ( he didn't actually get up but was scootching over to the edge) and he didn't reply when they said hello or asked his name (although I did) as he is more or less non verbal.

I was holding him when I went over to pay. She asked how everything was, I paid and then she nodded and him and said ' He's not very well behaved is he?'
I did tell her that he's just 3 but I didn't know what else to say.

It doesn’t sound like he was doing anything naughty or even out of the ordinary
If she said that then she is an out of order arsehole
for you

Challenge them next time. Just a short ‘you clearly have no idea’
Or the classic special needs card
‘My child has special needs, he is not bothering anyone, please keep your prejudices to yourself in future’

I just laugh! I really don’t have time for anyone’s nonsense. Or complain to their managers.

My kids also have tea about once a month / whenever they are with their and it’s not decaf. I wouldn’t worry x

*whenever they are with their nanna

I also wouldnt be giving tea as i think it reduces iron absorbtion especially if drunk at meal times.

It probably is his height rather than any potential asd that can cause comments.
But also some people like happy (naughty dc) even running about too much. Above children who get upset about silly little things. Whereas we know that your ds may have sensory things going on.
My dc also tries to drink with a spoom and it goes everywhere.

OP non of that sounds naughty. Lots of kids are shy and donnt reply, I ddo tend to say something about DS not talking much when I answer for him but that's just cos I feel awkward when they keep pushing more questions at him?

Are you certain she didn't do the look beyond you at the other thing? Or say he isn't very well is he?

Otherwise in future I'd just look around and say "who?" it's an utterly utterly rude comment.

I’d email in and respond to her with what he did, his age, and how her comment made you feel. Ask customer services to forward your reply to her as you were rendered speechless at the time, her name might be in your receipt. If not they can check till records.

She should know what effect her comment had and maybe she will think twice in the future.

OP, I have twin boys who are nearly 2.5 and both have been diagnosed with ASD in the last three months. Honestly I never take them out to places by myself any more. They don’t understand any words, so I can’t ask them to stay in chairs or anything like that. We took them to a restaurant before Christmas for a family meal and I was absolutely dreading it. I gave them each some books to look at and when one got bored I gave him my iPad as he loves word apps.

I heard an old woman comment how sad it is that children don’t get involved in family discussions any more - she had no idea that my two wouldn’t make eye contact with any one and certainly couldn’t get involved in discussions because they can’t understsnd even basic words!

I am trying to grow a thicker skin because I fear it will get worse when they are no longer toddlers - some behaviour that’s cute for toddlers will definitely not be cute if it’s still going on when they’re double digits!

Aw op I feel for you. My ds has ASD and is tall for his age too. People always thought he was older than he was and spoke to him like and older child I got lots more raised eye brows when he acted in a normal toddler way than my friends did for their children because he didn’t look like toddler and their toddlers did.

If it makes you feel any better I found this age the toughest, (so far) he wasn’t great with his speech or understanding, he has no awareness of danger, I totally get the crying because he had cream on his hands. He’s not being naughty at all he’s just acting in a sensory way.

I think the comments saying maybe your used to his ‘bad behaviour’ aren’t helpful at all because if anything you’re most likely more painfully aware of his autistic traits than another parent would be aware of bad behaviour.

And for record autistic traits are not ‘bad behaviour’ they are part of his condition/disability.

My little boy did random screams, hand flapped paced etc which as a toddler probably looked like he wasn’t well controlled by me when in actually fact these were his coping mechanisms in new places. Now he’s older and does this people are much more accepting of his behaviour than they were when he was a toddler.
I think it’s because as children with ASD get older it’s a bit more ‘obvious’ they have ASD whereas at toddler ages everyone just pulls their judgey pants up to their neck.

The woman shouldn’t have said that to you at all, if you hadn’t been taken so by surprise you could’ve maybe said to her he has autism actually and he’s behaved fantastically considering there’s so much sensory overload in a cafe, shame the same can’t be said for you. But I know it’s easier said in hindsight.

You sound like a lovely mum and he’s lucky he has you worrying for him. Don’t waste any time at all worrying about school, as soon as my son started I had meetings with the school to explain how he reacts to certain situations and they’ve quickly gotten used to his ways. Most schools are really good at dealing with children with autism.

I’d be tempted to write to the cafe and explain to them you visited with your child today he has autism and this is how the staff treated him, and maybe next time they could leave their judgements to themselves as what they did today was disability discrimination. It might make the woman serving you think twice before she says anything like that again.

Can't believe the comments about tea- that was not the q asked! He is three and drinking 'baby tea'- lots of milk. the small amount of caffeine in tea won't hurt him.

Ignore and forgot it. Some people are just judgmental, nothing you can do about it. The days of seen and not heard are thankfully over, my mother used to remind me I was failing in that department and i soon learnt that well behaved children do not need to be perfect. (And I now try to give as few fucks as possible about the opinion of random strangers).

I also have an exceptionally tall 3 year old boy undergoing assessments for ASD. He is judged more harshly because he's the size of a 5 year old. I'm sorry I have no advice, I'm in the same boat and terrified of what the future holds for him.

But could she have been nodding at the other boy. Where was he in relation to you?

Id talk to the manager too. It sounds as if his behaviour was age-appropriate.

Was the server older? I've found older people are often the most intolerant. DS once tripped and cut his head very badly at his granny's. Blood running down his face and the scar is still very visible thirty years later. He was only 3 and she told him not to cry, he's a little soldier and soldiers don't cry. I had a furious row with her. She was a nice person actually but just repeated the phrases she'd grown up with.
If it's a place you visit , or would like to visit, often, might it be worth explaining that your DS is non- verbal rather than he is being rude not answering? They might be friendlier if they understood.

Don’t worry about the tea either op, I told my dentist I struggle to get my ds to brush his teeth due to his ASD and he said if he drinks tea let him have it, it fights gum disease and is good for teeth. If you can swap to decaf it’s better but as far as my dentist is concerned it’s fine

My ds also liked tea aged 3. It was more like warm tea stained milk, I don’t think it did him any harm, he seems to being doing ok in all his exams now so limited lasting damage. I wouldn’t get too worried about it, especially as you only offer it as an occasional treat.

Her; “He’s not very well behaved.”
You; “No but at least he’s not rude eh?”

Works for most nasty comments.

I think I will e-mail the cafe tomorrow.

Thank you so much for all the supportive and lovely comments and 💕 to the people that are in a similar position.

I'm never quite sure how to approach telling people that that he is autistic or non-verbal without it sounding like an apology as I don't want him to feel as he gets older that it's something he has to apologise for?

Also I think I will have to practice that for any future rude comments, Tinkly.

She asked how everything was, I paid and then she nodded and him and said ' He's not very well behaved is he?'

I would definitely complain about that. She was rude and it was none of her business. Also she wasnt factual (going by your account). I would maybe suggest they retrain their staff to not make people feel like shit when theyre trying their best.

Also, you dont have to approach telling people. Its your business. A simple "Please mind your own business and stop judging, you know nothing about us" should suffice if you get comments.

The amount of milk doesn't really matter, just the steeping time. There's also loads of types of tea that are naturally caffeine free and nice with milk if he wants to have similar with you (rooibos for example).

Otherwise, you definitely get comments if your kid is tall, I get grilled why isn't DS in school yet, including from professionals who really should know better.

I suppose it's natural to a degree as one of the people commenting had a 6 yo who was smaller than my 4yo...

Nod agreeably and say, “Thank you so much for your input.” This works well as a response to all forms of unsolicited comment.