Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DH about having to get up with the kids

41 replies

Pooshy · 24/02/2019 20:28

We have two small kids, 1 and 3. I always get up with them in the morning as I'm an early riser (not a problem)

Twice a week, DH has to get up at 6.30 to take over from me as that's when I leave for work. Recently he's been complaining about this on the evening before, not in a big way, but just clearly not happy about it

I always do any night shift required with the baby who sleeps next door to me. This isn't a problem at all, I cope better with less sleep so this is kind of how we've done it although DH does offer to do it, and will do the night shift if I'm knackered for example

DH shares a bed with our 4 year old (this started during the hot summer as they went to the one bedroom which has aircon whereas 3 years olds room is stifling)

Anyway, we're out for a nice dinner tonight and I mentioned that he shouldn't moan about the early starts as I've just realised it's only two out of seven days he has to do this. I really didn't mean it in a diggy way but he took great offence and said I was saying he wasn't pulling his weight. And kicked off, saying I made him feel like shit etc. All I had said was that he shouldn't really complain that it's only two days a week...

He's shut himself in the bedroom now. Aibu or is he being overly sensitive?!

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 24/02/2019 20:29

He’s overly sensitive.
Maybe some role reversal is needed. Maybe you should do twice a week wake ups and he should do all the others plus the nights?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 24/02/2019 20:30

So he's complaining about the 2 days you don't look after the kids at 6. 30 because you're GOING TO WORK?
He's a twat.

SlB09 · 24/02/2019 20:31

Sensitive! He's got a very good deal there x

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2019 20:31

He’s being pathetic, sorry. No excuse for “kicking off” and if he does moan about the little he does, he should be prepared for you to bring it up.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/02/2019 20:34

Did he not undertsand what parenting small children involved when he chose to have them? Did he think there would be a morning fairy who would come in and care for his children until he felt like getting up? Who does he expect to care for them when you go to work? Confused

Redinthefacegirl · 24/02/2019 20:36

He sounds defensive. It's him who's feeling like he isn't pulling his weight I reakon.

Original poster
Pooshy · 24/02/2019 21:06

I went to him to clear the air, and apologised for upsetting him

He said the words I used were offensive and upsetting, as I'd said that other couples split the lie ins whereas for us he just had to do two early get ups

I can't understand how that's offensive when that's just what does happen for our situation?! I don't have a problem with me doing the get ups, I was just pointing out that he shouldn't complain on the two mornings he does have to get up

Confused Confused

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 24/02/2019 21:09

He’s being a twat and trying to make out that you are the unreasonable one.

Nice.

Original poster
Pooshy · 24/02/2019 21:11

And on second thoughts, my sister joked to him last week about how I did all the night shifts with the baby

Which probably looked like I'd complained to her (which I hadn't), and like she was having a dog, so that's probably fed into his reaction

I still think it's him being defensive but he doesn't think so...

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 24/02/2019 21:13

Seems to me that he's taking the approach of best defence is offence. You've got him banged to rights on the early starts situation, so rather than admit that he's trying to make you feel guilty about upsetting him. Does he do that about other stuff?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 24/02/2019 21:20

You went to apologise to him? Hmm

Okaaaay.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/02/2019 21:21

Yep he’s defensive and gone on the attack to deflect it back onto you. You haven’t been offensive to him. He just doesn’t like his “less than half” being pointed out to him.

7yo7yo · 24/02/2019 23:20

Why would you apologise to him???

LovingLola · 24/02/2019 23:23

Do you get to sleep together at all anymore?

Rezie · 24/02/2019 23:35

He is being overly sensitive but it also sound like the situation wasn't the most appropriate for this type of talk.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 24/02/2019 23:40

Why does he still share with the 4yo when it's no longer hot summer time?

Echoing PP, do you get any grown up bed sharing time?

Original poster
Pooshy · 25/02/2019 06:47

Our 3 year old has always been an awful sleeper, but if we go sleep with her she'll sleep all night until 7.30. Plus I have insomnia and wake up at 5 each day so it works well for us to have separate beds as everyone ends up getting more sleep (I also go to bed much earlier than him so it means I don't get woken up). Still bedshare sometimes tho Wink

Anyway, I've woken up today still miffed as to why he got so annoyed. It wasn't a big deal, or at least I didn't mean it to be. I was just pointing out that he had it quite good and shouldn't winge about two early starts a week!

Hopefully he'll wake up today and apologise but he seemed pretty adamant that I was the one in the wrong, not him

I just said it how it was...!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2019 06:54

Did you start the conversation about it out of nowhere?

It should have really been left alone during a 'nice dinner out'.

But he's being so defensive because he knows he's wrong.

Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2019 06:56

Also don't have people tell you that you've got to share a bed. Do what suits you all, to get enough sleep.

PenelopeChipShop · 25/02/2019 07:04

Urgh I really really hate to be the one to say something like this but as someone who has ended up divorced as a result of unequal childcare division (there were other issues too but trust me that was a major one) it was things like this that were how it began.

You sound very reasonable OP - pointing out that you have insomnia anyway and don’t mind the early mornings - and he sounds defensive. He already knew he was out of line, he just didn’t expect you to know it. I’m not saying LTB but please be aware of his attitude. What is it actually saying that he doesn’t want to get up early two days a week to look after his own children?! It’s incrdibly entitled.

I ended up in a situation where my ex does more parenting now that we’re divorced than he did when we were together - and even that is less than the traditional EOW arrangement. I’m so used to it that when they’re out I feel like I’m on a spa day just bc i’m not wiping bums. You need to keep an eye on this stuff. x

Original poster
Pooshy · 25/02/2019 07:09

Yes I probably shouldn't have brought it up over dinner looking back, but it wasn't meant as a big deal. I thought he'd just say, ok, fair point or similar

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 25/02/2019 07:11

He’s unreasonable and being a twit about this. Hopefully he’ll see a bit of sense.

Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2019 07:11

But it is a big deal.

So it spoilt the dinner.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/02/2019 07:12

I think that's guilt making him feel like that! There is a difference between offensive and factual. How were you supposed to raise it without being offensive?

Damntheman · 25/02/2019 07:14

I agree that he was too sensitive and you're not at all being unreasonable. He's damn lucky he's got an early bird partner! My partner and I are both night owls and the mornings are agony, so we share 50/50.

I hope he apologises in turn.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread