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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset and anxious over this

26 replies

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 18:38

I and DH have a lovely relationship, we spend a lot of time together, he helps with the chores, and I believe he is a good man.

However lately I have been feeling underappreciated. He forgot about the valentines day, then the aniversary. I am not normally that bothered about such things but the fact that multiple such occassions don't even register for him, combined with other things is a bit sad. It seems there is not much romance in our lives. I often suggest we drop our DD to our friends (who have offered multiple times) and go for a date or just spend some quality time together and he always says yes, but never mentiones it again unless I bring it up. We don't have sex much because of a small DD and being tired a lot.

Then this friend of mine comes to visit, and she's recently single. She's looking all fresh and quite fit, going on about how happy she is, how she's doing community work, will be volunteering in Africa over the summer etc and I see my DH's eyes light up. They have an energetic conversation about things and he just seems so excited. Then she needs to go and he offers to give her a lift to the train station. He blows me a kiss on the way out but I am feeling a bit miffed. Only a couple of days earlier I was travelling back from London arriving at night and he told me to just get a cab :-/

When he comes back I am not very happy. He comes to me to see why I am upset but as I tell him he quickly gets a bit offended that I don't trust him etc and not really spoken to me since for a few hours now.

I am just baffled and no idea how to act anymore. It is giving me anxiety as some of my past relationships sort of unravelled this way (I felt the man was getting bored with me and started being anxious.)

AIBU completely? How should you act in such situations? :(

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 24/02/2019 18:42

From what you've posted yabu and he was just being nice to your friend. Maybe make a definite date (and arrange childcare) yourself. If he doesn't respond to this maybe that would be cause for worry.

Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 18:45

Just to add, I feel like I am probably being unreasonable but find it hard to deal with the feelings and maybe just looking for advice...

OP posts:

Samind · 24/02/2019 18:49

I don't think yabu. I think you're feeling underappreciated and taken for granted and I'd of been annoyed too. A small thing can feel like the straw that broke the camels back. Just direct and say what you now expect from him and what he can expect from you. Get yourself a sitter and plan a date night.

Singlenotsingle · 24/02/2019 18:50

My DP never takes the initiative either. If I want to do something, I have to arrange it. Holidays, meals out, cinema, visits to family, it's all down to me. I don't mind. It just means that I get to do what I want, and when! Anything like car shows he doesn't get to do unless he arranges it!
As for your friend, it was just someone new to talk to, and anyway she's going to be in Africa over the summer.

Samind · 24/02/2019 18:51

Plus sometimes after a baby no matter what age you feel tired and drab etc an it takes a while to get back on your feet. Nine's is only months old but sometimes I look at the bags under my eyes an the dye that's clearly needing topped up too and it's just like come on woman treat yoursekf!! Easier said than done though

PuzzlingPuzzle · 24/02/2019 18:56

If you’re normally not bothered by anniversaries or valentines then he presumably he wouldn’t know that you would appreciate a bit of a fuss for once.
I think you’re overthinking the thing with your friend, sounds like he was just being nice.
You’ve said these friends have offered to babysit and that he’s said he’s said yes to taking them up on the offer. So actually message them and set a date???
I’m not really sure that I understand what you’re upset about to be honest. Maybe you’re in a bit of a rut but making more of an effort goes both ways. A night out just the two of you sounds needed so I’d definitely arrange that ASAP

Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 18:59

@samind That is very true. My confidence is down since the baby, and I also sacrificed some personal plans for development because DH was anxious it would put all the provider burden on him. It is painful to see him so excited over this girl who has no responsibilities and is free to pursue her ambitious goals with a passion, while looking fit and fresh.

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SapphireFire · 24/02/2019 19:02

Yep, I wouldn't be happy either. He clearly signalled that he was interested in this other woman. Taking her but told you to get a cab?

It doesn't mean that he has nefarious reasons of course. But I'd feel upset about this.

OftenHangry · 24/02/2019 19:03

What do you two talk about?

Samind · 24/02/2019 19:05

Time to put yourself first!! Start with outside and you'll feel better. I've lost all my routine and have time to brush teeth when bottle is cooling etc haven't shaved legs in weeks etc because I can't always get in a shower long enough. So yes I understand the not feeling good. is there any online course you could maybe do? There's grants for independent learner's aswell. Could be something you look into. And it's hard when you have a little one to feel anything other than a mother. And sometimes you don't have much to talk about as you feel like you don't do much or most things are little one orientated. Having said that they are precious an love you a million times back

Nickpan · 24/02/2019 19:09

He wasn't just being nice to your friend, he was being attentive, which must smart a bit when he is not so attentive to you any more

Lizzie48 · 24/02/2019 19:20

I can understand you being upset, with him not bothering to pick you up when you were returning home, just saying you should get a cab. But then bending over backwards to take your friend to the station. It sounds like he's taking you for granted.

Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 19:48

@Samind Yes! The life of a new mum is no spa, I certainly have been there. Our DD is almost two so better now but I work almost full time and I am doing a part time online course via OU, but made a 'sensible' choice by going for accounting and business rather than what I really wanted - because that would have required me to quit work for a year or two and DH was not happy :-/ Also accounting could be profitable so was thinking ahead for the family. I chose online so I had more time for them and for it not to be such a burden. I honestly feel like it is a "no good deed goes unpunished" type of scenario, and I have sentenced myself to be seen as this boring, overly available person. It seems to be a theme in my life. I always try so hard for a man and then end up taken for granted. Sorry for ranting :( Just really annoyed with myself today. People tell me I'm pretty switched on, but personal relationships are a constant source of anxiety and ridden with dumb mistakes for me...

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Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 19:52

@Nickpan - yes, that is it exactly. I understand (well, hope!) he won't really make a move on her while driving to the station or I don't think he would cheat but the attention and caring given seemed just more than I can get out of him most days.

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Samind · 24/02/2019 19:56

Well no wonder!! Youre spending your time working and studying an looking after wee one a day where's the time for you? Maybe by not thinking of yourself at all and by putting yourself last, it allows others to do the same? I think you sound great!

Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 19:57

@SapphireFire Thank you. I had a chat with him and explained like I did here, and he said he was sorry. He said he was tired etc when I was coming back from London. The thing is he is tired 80% of time around me but was fresh as a Daisy with the friend today. Sorry probably just being a bit bitchy and ranty now.

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Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 20:05

@Samind Thank you so much

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OftenHangry · 24/02/2019 20:11

I honestly don't think he was "excited over your free fit friend".
It was most likely that it was something different than work or home talk. That's why I asked what do you two talk about. My friend was always over the moon when talk was about something else than nappies when she had a child.

I do agree with the rest about treating yourself.

OftenHangry · 24/02/2019 20:19

Btw I don't mean it badly in any way. We don't even have a child end ended up in a same rut. Always the same talk, same everything. Then I decided to make a change and suddenly we have other things to talk about and the mood has changed positively 100%

Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 20:22

@OftenHangry I know what you mean, and I also doubt he would be seriously considering cheating or anything. Our conversations are quite monotone, mostly DD and work and because we spend so much time together outside of work it is not like we can tell each other about our leisure time. But I do try to have interesting conversationg with him, about things I am learning, the current political climate, AI. Not often do I manage to encite a more animated debate. Most of the time around me DH is walking aroud like he is depressed. In general it is his personality to an extent. He is also not normally a social person. That is why when I see him animated and offering lifts out of 'politeness' and some suddenly discovered social obligation I am a bit baffled.

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Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 20:24

@OftenHangry Oh sorry to hear about your situation previously. What did you do to get out of the rut?

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OftenHangry · 24/02/2019 20:26

It's hard work, isn't it. It sounds to me though like he was interested in the community work and volunteering rather than her. I understand it's not easy with kid, but have you thought about once in a while joining on some local project? If you have big park nearby there are often groups which go and plant trees, plants etcand it's kind of a family thing. Just few hours. Check out some community gardens too. Then you all can go and do something which not only breaks the monotony, but also gives you something to talk about and do something good.

OftenHangry · 24/02/2019 20:26

@Sausage666 we used to work together. I left 😁

Samind · 24/02/2019 20:27

I see where you're coming from op. I think it'd a matter of he should of offered you a lift even if you'd of declined to get a taxi. I'd feel like it was a slap in the face. I think because you get on with it so much now he just expects it.

Original poster

Sausage666 · 24/02/2019 20:38

@OftenHangry That sounds like an idea. I think that I just need to do something I am passionate about and show some backbone. Most of my life I just go through the motions, not believing I could achieve what I really want so focusing on here and now, clinging onto him, the family, the somewhat undemanding work. When I look around all women I know who are in good relationships seem to have this inner strenght, they are firm on their goals and boundries - even if the goals are as "simple" as keeping the house spotless. I am always laid back, try to joke around, squeeze my needs when time allows. Trying to be undemanding etc.

As to your changing work - yes it must have been waaay too much working with him AND seeing him at home. Glad it is better for you now. Good on you for having the strenght to do it!

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