To be Hurt by this

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Name changed for this because lots of family members on here would be to revealing otherwise.

So basically my MIL has 6 Sons. My husband being the 5th son. I try so hard to keep MIL happy and involved in our lives i make an effort to see her once a week. she is elderly but lives with younger BIL and his wife and family. However i always feel like we have a nice relationship when there no one else around if that makes sense. Say for example its a family gathering the other BIL's wives are there she doesnt seem to acknowledge my existence but treats the others so nicely. I dont know why im letting it bother me so much we been married 5 years i should be used to it but its like she physically goes outif her way to demean me in front of others. We are from an asian backgroud. my marriage was arranged and our marriage is verh strong. when i speak to dh about it he tells me its just way his dm is and to ignore it not let it get to me. Anyway what set me off today is she went away on holiday for 2 weeks came back on friday we had family gathering today and after lunch she has been handing out gifts to everyone apart from me and my son. She even bought hubby a shirt matching the other brothers. she bought other SILs maxi dresses each and their kids tops. the worse thing about it is i actually really love her. i spent entire day on friday cleaning her house making sure new bedding on food in house cooked they got home late due to delays to flight. my DS absolutely adores her but she seems to really not like us not sure why? currently sitting in bathroom waiting for tears to subside maybe im reading to much into it all😞

So sorry you have suffered this op. You have done the right thing for your son, who needs protecting, and also for yourself.

You have tried your very best, but nothing will ever be good enough. You sound kind and caring, but driven by duty and a need for acceptance. You are a daughter in law anyone would be grateful for and proud of. The fact you state you love her is so very sad because she does not deserve you.

I am.glad you have your supportive family.
You and your son don't deserve to be treated so diabolically.

You are lovely op, and well out of it. Did the others used to 'help her', or was it always you. She does not deserve you, are too good for her! Now you go non contact with her, life will hopefully be easier for you. It is not your fault! You did nothing wrong, but marrying a man with a god awful mother.

UPDATE...

So today first sunday without plans with Mil. Me and Dh took ds to soft play a nice meal and family movie in evening. It was such a lovely day honestly we were ay so much peace i was really glad to have tkaen the steps i did to distance muself from toxic mil.

about 8pm just as we put ds to bed there was frantic knocking at the front door. Dh answered and it was the unmistakable voice of mil shouting at dh that he had chosen me over her etc. Dh calmly replied that she chose to disrespect his family so how dare she come in to our home accusing him of chosing his wife over his mum.

just than she broke down sobbing heavily telling dh she needs him. that the house is such a mess because i haven't been in week to help her out. the SIL who lives with her refusing to help her. She said theres no food at home because she was unable to go shopping alone. throughout this whole episode mil barely looked me in face or acknowledged my existence.

as she stopped crying i calmly told her i do not have the energy go be around such negativity but just to clarify i never asked dh to chose and as far as i was aware he hadn't chosen anyone we just planned a nice day today. Dh offered to take her shopping first thing tomorrow before he goes to work.

before she left she asked if i would help sort her garden out next weekend. i didnt reply dh took initiative to drive her home.

i feel like such a bad person im actually crying about it all now but one day away from her negativity has made me feel so much more human.
aibu? should i just help her at the end of day she is dh mother n ds grandmother?

No, don't help her. The only reason she came to your house today is because her house needs cleaning and her shopping needs doing.
Let her other dil's and sons help her for a change.she is not your responsibility
You've had a lovely weekend with your dh and ds. Just imagine how many more of those you can have without her in your life

She wants her slave back not you as a Dil or your son as a grandson - do not be sucked in

She hasnt said sorry, or told you she missed you and your sons company. She does not respect you. Be strong and enjoy your life with your family.

So one of her 'beautiful' DILs refused to help? She obviously sees just what MIL wants, a skivvy. Don't give in to MIL's tantrums.

Actions have consequences and MIL is just now learning that. She is vile and cruel to and about you and her grandson, and the consequence of that is that she will no longer see you. You don't owe her ANYTHING. Ignore her and have a happy life with your husband and child.

She has five other son's plus wives. She lives with one set and there was No food in the house and it was a mess? Tough.
I am sure your BIL and sil and kids did not go hungry. Until she learns some respect and apologises for her behaviour, you should stay well away. Let the other TEN do their duty. As for dh saying he will take her shopping, he should have stood firm. She owes you all an apology, face to face. Please do not give in to this emotional blackmail from someone who is still blaming you for breathing. She just wants her slave back. As she only misses the work you did for her and not you as a person (because you are nothing to her) you both should stand firm and resolute. Gp or no gp, do you really want someone who thinks your son is a curse to be around him?

If your husband takes her shopping I hope he tells her it's the last time he's doing it.

1. Anyone can throw out dramatics and tears to get their way or to manipulate someone into doing what they want.

You understand that, right?

Your MIL isn't sorry in the least. She's screaming and wailing because her (horrible, years long) abusive actions have finally had (very minor) consequences, and now she no longer has an indentured servant to abuse and look down upon.

She thought she'd be able to get away with her mistreament of you and your son forever, and that your husband would continue to place her above his wife and child no matter what.

Turns out she was (maybe) wrong, so now she's playing the sad-helpless-old-lady-victim card, in the hopes that that will trump everything for your husband - the vows he made to protect and honour his wife, his marital harmony, his wife and son's self-respect, dignity and well-being - everything.

...Notice how she only brought out the tears when yelling him into submission didn't work?

Yeah.

Think about it - she couldn't even do you the courtesy of acknowledging your presence in your own home even as she was trying to guilt-trip your husband into 'choosing her over you' and/or manipulate him into having you resume your indentured servitude.

She is abusive, and bigoted, and malignant.

1. MIL's failure to adult, and her failure to make others in her household adult, is not your problem:

Firstly, live-in SIL is only not doing her fair share with housework now because they're both so sure they'll have you along in a jiffy to get back to work. How does that not make you angry?

Secondly, you have plenty of BILs and SILs that MIL actually treats with respect, one of whom actually lives with her. Why was she only banging on your door at 8 o'clock at night? Why was she ruining your Sunday with histrionic demands for help with groceries and housework? Why not theirs?

Thirdly, how is it that she is able to get to your house at 8 o'clock at night, but can't go to the grocery store on her own?

Aren't there grocery delivery services where she is? Cleaning services?

You are not a slave.

You deserve better.

Your son & your marriage comes first.

If you go back to helping her now, she will feel like she owns you!!!!!

Take control of your life and enjoy your new family time!!!

Please don’t go back to helping her. She will never change her attitude towards you and your son. She sees you both as far less important than the other family members.

Focus on your family, as you did yesterday, and think of all of the wonderful things you can now do instead of being her servant.

You deserve so much better!

Just be prepared for the sudden illness, suggestion of cancer, heart attack, etc. That’s how people like her try to suck nice people like you back in. When that doesn’t work she’ll send her flying monkeys to your door. They’ll go on about your ‘duty’ as a dil and how you should forgive her, because ‘that’s just her and she loves you really’. They’ll do that because they don’t want to be her slave or the one she picks on. They’ll want you to be the sacrificial lamb. You owe it to yourself and your child to stay away from the nasty git.

Please don't go and help her. She sees you as lesser, of a lesser caste and class. All you're good for is cleaning and shopping. Do not let her debase you in that way. You are a valuable human being, and your skin tone is entirely by the by. Your husband sounds lovely. Ensure to tell him that he can have as much involvement with her as he chooses. Otherwise she will try to destroy the love in your marriage. Do not under any circumstances get sucked back in to being her slave (which is the role she sees you as deserving).
I'm sure you are beautiful too! I've heard this notion before about fairer skinned people being considered more beautiful by Asians. I can assure you that does not translate to the Western World.

Do not go and do her housework, she has other DILs including the one who lives with her who can step up. Nothing will change if you roll over for this manipulation. Why should you help someone who shows no gratitude or respect for you. You sound like a lovely lovely person and I’m glad your DH has your back. Don’t waste your tears on people who wouldn’t waste any on you, stick to your own family who love you.

Oh no that's really bad. I'm feeling so sorry for you and your son. I cannot imagine how hurtful that was, to hand out presents to everyone but you two. Especially a disabled child. Awful. I don't think you should clean her home anymore. Just let your husband see his mum and don't bother visiting or helping her. Sending you hugs.

Just seen your update. Well done for not giving in to her manipulation. She seems to think that you're her slave?! The son and daughter in law living with her should be the ones that help clean and with the grocery shop. They live there too! Stay strong for you and your beautiful son. Your husband is rightfully supportive of your feelings. You are important too.

DO NOT BACK DOWN!
she is only doing this to suck you back into the role she has set for you, once you are back doing all the chores she sets for you she will start up being a nasty twat again
this is a learning experience for her and you, the moment you give in and "forgive" her she will revert to her earlier treatment of you
she has 5 "beautiful" DIL that can get off their beautiful ass's and help clean her house for her, she doesnt need " the best of a bad bunch" to step in the role of servant and slave
Be strong or this will be your life, doormat or strong assertive woman? you choose

She only wants you back because she wants you to do stuff for her. She doesn’t care, she just wants her slave back.

Think about that - she doesn’t care. She only wants you to do her shit for her.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Stick to your guns and do not let this bitch get to you.

Well done OP, keep going, see her, if and when, you actually want too.

thank you all for your reply. I fully intend to distance myself from her in order for my own sanity and ds happiness.

When DH came back yesterday he looked so withdrawn he went to bed without talking so i figured something must have happened. about 3am i woke to see him wide awake when i asked him what was wrong he replied that his mother had stooped so low. basically as he was driving she pleaded with him to ask me to help her and continue to stay involved with family. to which he replied that i hav been hurt enough and its my decision whether or not i chose to spend time with her. than she told him that she knows i been having an affair and that ds isn't my dh that he should divorce me he can do so much better that im a slapper a slut. dh stopped car and told her to get out to which she replied that i have covered his eyes with cotton wool so he cant see me for what i am and there is no way in heaven one of her sons had a disabled child. she said she knows infact gurantees at least 4 guys i have sexual relations with 😳

Dh told her there is no doubt ds is his child but from that moment she no longer can him her son. he told her never to disrespect his family again and if her ever heard these rumours again he would expose her for the evil that she is. he left her a road away from her house.

Dh was crying as he told me all this to be honest i was crying to i could never imagine her to say such horrendous things after all we been through and continue to go through with ds disability. i feel sad for dh feel hurt for myself but relieved that im protecting ds from such views.

today just feels so bleak.😥

So sorry to hear this awful story. You and your family are so much better without her. Your son especially really doesn't need that kind of thing in his life.

apple she is like a dying wasp. It may get a bit worse but now you have the definitive point in which you can walk away with a clear conscience.

Don’t let a single poisonous work she said effect you. Honestly love it’s just words.

Well done your dh for standing against her. Be each other’s comfort and take pride in your lovely little family