To be Hurt by this

[apple319]

Name changed for this because lots of family members on here would be to revealing otherwise.

So basically my MIL has 6 Sons. My husband being the 5th son. I try so hard to keep MIL happy and involved in our lives i make an effort to see her once a week. she is elderly but lives with younger BIL and his wife and family. However i always feel like we have a nice relationship when there no one else around if that makes sense. Say for example its a family gathering the other BIL's wives are there she doesnt seem to acknowledge my existence but treats the others so nicely. I dont know why im letting it bother me so much we been married 5 years i should be used to it but its like she physically goes outif her way to demean me in front of others. We are from an asian backgroud. my marriage was arranged and our marriage is verh strong. when i speak to dh about it he tells me its just way his dm is and to ignore it not let it get to me. Anyway what set me off today is she went away on holiday for 2 weeks came back on friday we had family gathering today and after lunch she has been handing out gifts to everyone apart from me and my son. She even bought hubby a shirt matching the other brothers. she bought other SILs maxi dresses each and their kids tops. the worse thing about it is i actually really love her. i spent entire day on friday cleaning her house making sure new bedding on food in house cooked they got home late due to delays to flight. my DS absolutely adores her but she seems to really not like us not sure why? currently sitting in bathroom waiting for tears to subside maybe im reading to much into it all😞

I've been through this and it's horrible. I went through it as a kid when my mum married my step dad. His mum started giving Xmas/bday presents to my cousins but not me. In the end she carried it on to my children and about 10 years ago I stopped making the effort myself. I don't think she ever acknowledged my children's birthdays or Xmas. I stopped visiting, I stopped going there for Xmas and I let her go. She met my eldest daughter recently as my dad is terminal and she happened to be there at the same time as my daughter and she told my daughter lovely things about me, that I was always shy but very intelligent etc...and a lovely girl. Really nice things to be fair but she didn't want me around at all and it was very obvious. There's no animosity there I was just fed up of sitting there like a lemon handing out my gifts to everyone and then feeling like a spare part and like I was intruding while she gave hers out. It was just very uncomfortable and I felt humiliated every time and as soon as I realised she just didn't want me there I think it was easier for everyone to be honest. It's a very spiteful way of saying you don't like someone when they do these things and I don't believe a nice decent person would even think to do such awful things. I would keep your distance. And cleaning her house??? Not a chance. I'm sorry but no.

@miji77 i am so sorry you went through something so similar. today just been such a crappy day but i am glad of my decision. i have a spare Sunday now which i normally spend with her helping her clean garden shop etc but was thinking about doing something with ds instead from now on. DH can still spend tims with her should he wish i am not coming in between that at all.

So sad to read this apple. I had a vaguely similar experience with my in laws, but not to this extent. It is so freeing to step back and realise that you don’t have to get involved in it all. You don’t have to submit to the emotional abuse.

I hope that your DH continues to support you.

I’d also let your husband deal with her from now on. If she asks why you aren’t helping, just tell her you’re busy if you can’t face a confrontation.

God glad it is out in the open, you don't have to waste anymore time helping her, when yiur priority should be ds. Let our husband deal with her.

And enjoy your ds.

Just to update you all...

after putting ds to sleep. i had a long conversation with dh about everything in regards to his dm. all the past stuff all the remarks the obscene rumours she started. the constant put downs the insults. basically everything i concealed from dh so as to protrct him from a situation where i placed him in a position to choose. I told him the hurtful stuff she tild extended family when ds first got his diagnosis. He was shocked. he looked genuinely broken but he said i should have told him sooner he called his mother and asked how dare she disrespect us (ds and i) like that to which she replied 'oh so she gone home to throw a tantrum now fine ill buy her something'

Dh was furious told her it was never about the gift it was the principle and that me and ds wont be having anymore contact with her to cancel arranged plans for coming weekend. He said our child was never a curse.

Dh was so angry never seen him like that he was so exhasured mentally but i think im his heart he knew what i was saying was the truth and he knows full well that knowing all this i still tried to have a decent relationship with his dm but i physically couldnt continue to do so.

i feel sad for dh it was never intended for him to choose i dont want that for him. i want him to have a relationship witb her but i need to protect myself and child atm thats the most important thing. He doesnt need such negativity in his life.

Thank you all for ur kind words and replies it does mean a lot to me.

I’m glad your DH has your back op.
He sounds like a good un.
And we’ll dobe to you for telling him.
It’s never a good idea
To hide things.

@apple319 so glad your DH stood up for you. He sounds like a nice man.

You shouldnt put up with her behaviour, you are doing the right thing.

Out of interest, what do your SILs say when they see this? I cant imagine watching my MIL leave someone out and not saying something? Are you close enough with any of them to ask them why MIL treats you like this and what she says to them about you?

Your husband sounds lovely. You've got a good man. I think you've taken the last blow from the nasty titwitch. You don't need her for anything. You have a loving family. Live a happy life and leave her pulling legs off spiders and eating worms or whatever these nasty old bitches like doing.

Wow I am so glad that you told your dh, and that he has been absolutely supportive. Good on him for having your back and confronting his nasty mother. Now you can enjoy your life without them in it, and she can get one of the favoured daughter in laws to do her dirty work. Tell your dh, that you have no problem with him having contact with her, that you and your ds will not.

It certainly sounds like for some reason, and a superficial one, your skin tone and looks, she did not like you, like the other dILs, having a son with a disability rally cemented her dislike for you. You are best away now from all that negativity, you don't need that.

What a horrible situation to find yourself in.

I'm struggling to understand why the animosity towards skin tone etc when it was an arranged marriage. Surely, that means you were chosen for her son?

Do you think it could be to do with your DS disability and her somehow feeling that she was to blame for selecting a 'bad' wife?

You sound like a very good, caring and dutiful wife. Your DH also sounds supportive - I hope that he continues to have your back where your in-laws are concerned.
MIL is very superficial and stupid if she thinks just buying you a gift now you've called her out is going to fix things. She really doesn't get discrimination, does she?

@mumw- yes it was arranged marriage she chose me for her son but apparently i was the best of a bad selection. Dh asked her last night what os the problem she has with me when she was the one who chose me?? her reply was i was the best of a bad selection 😓 which angered dh even more he cut the line off.

if this all started after ds was born id think it was that she didnt like ds but it started day one after marriage. she made my life hell i was very openly treated as her slave. it was her and her daughters against the world.

think someone asked about other sister in laws but no im just very civil with them dont trust them and i think they have been told (by mil) not to socialise with me. i went through medically tough pregnancy and birth and even with my ds but no one ever thought t9 even call and enquire about my ds let alone me. which is why i think mayb dh does understand or could see this coming.

i do feel a lot better today i feel relieved more than anything else.

got to go now ds has 2 appointments

@apple319
Thank you! It's absolutely fine, this was years ago, I'm in my 40s now but it is a horrible thing to experience and evilness on the part of the person doing it.
There is NO WAY that you are the best of a bad selection. For her to actually say those words is unforgiveable. You sound like a lovely woman and it sounds like you have a lovely supportive husband. I don't think there is anything you can do about this, I think you should absolutely let her go. All the time you were spending cleaning her house and doing things for her should be spent on yourself now and your own family. You're right not to try to stop your husband from seeing her but also right to cut ties to protect yourself and your son from this awfulness. I hope you understand that this is not about you, you are lovely. This is about her being a very bad spiteful person and you should leave her to it and stay away where she can't hurt you anymore. Xxx

I'm so glad your Dh is supportive of you, as he should be. He now knows what a horrible person his mother is and hopefully he will stand up for you all in the future if she dares say a bad word against you. You are right to stay away from her and create some lovely memories together with your Ds on Sundays, instead of visiting that woman. Stay strong!

Your husband sounds lovely and supportive. Focus on your son and husband. You don’t need the MIL negativity and nastiness.

You seem such a lovely person who deserves so much better. You have treated her so well It is a shame she took advantage & put you down. I am glad your husband is a good man & saw her true colours.

Dh asked her last night what os the problem she has with me when she was the one who chose me?? her reply was i was the best of a bad selection 😓 which angered dh even more he cut the line off.
Holy shit. What an awful thing to do/say. How disrepectful of her towards her son too - sounds as though you are both in the same boat. I wouldn't blame him if he told her to FOTTTFSOFOATFOSM.

Thankfully, it sounds as though you have a solid relationship and will be able to manage quite well without them should your DH decide to join you and go NC with them.
Your poor DS has enough to content with without discrimination from his own relatives.

Wow just wow, be thankful yiu are not her, op! Nasty, vile and toxic woman!

Your life is going to be infinitely better without this evil witch in it.

I feel that it would be a good idea to tell your family what she has said. The last thing you need is for viscous, false rumours spreading through your community x

I’m so glad you told your dh and he sorted it.

Please don’t feel guilty!! He did what he wanted to do; stuck by his wife and child.

She sounds horrific and I would never see her again. Bad enough to treat you that way but her grandson? No. Fucking. Way.

Be prepared for guilt, for calls from siblings and in laws, how upset she is blah blah blah.

Ignore it all. She’s a fucker.

At least your family are lovely, and your dh can see that, in comparison to his family. His mum telling him what she thought about you, really made it real to him, and quite rightly, he was shocked as he loves you, and it is very evident.