Would this upset you ?

[Shazafied]

I might be overreacting because I'm tired and hormonal but ...

My family are going on holiday the week that my baby is due.

I have a 14 mo dd and am due in first week of may with dd2.

My brother recently contacted me to say that he, my other brother, both their wives and my dad want to book a holiday cottage in the Hebrides (I live in north east England) for the first week of may. They already seemed to have planned it but at that point it was unclear if it had been booked or not.

I replied that I might be busy that week.... no response. Then I replied again and said my baby is due that week, how could we possibly come ? He said "oh, we all thought your baby was due in March". No apology. I replied again and said we'd like to be included, could they look at something at a time that means we can come ... no response.

My mother wasn't included as she and my father don't speak...but I've since found out from her that it has indeed been booked now. I have tried to call my dad to say I'm upset - no answer. I've sent a message saying "are you going on holiday in may too?" And no response. He's probably a bit ashamed.

To make matters worse my mum has announced that she's going to America for a four week holiday from me being 34-38 weeks. My last baby came at 38 weeks. This is despite me telling my mum that I was disappointed by the actions of the rest of the family.

We have no family on my DH side and I just feel like none of them give a shit. What if something went wrong / we need a few days help with dd1 ? Am I being unreasonable expecting them to try and be around... at least my parents ? They all live about 2 hours away from me.

This comes off the back of my whole family (except my mum and aunt) forgetting my daughters first birthday , despite me posting on FB loads in the run up ("can't believe she's going to be 1 next week!") .... I have without fail remembered my nieces and nephews birthdays, even when I was so skint I made cards and gifts myself ! And none of them EVER ask how my dd1 are or how my pregnancy is going.

I am very tired today with spd and dd1 poor sleep, husband working all weekend, so I guess just feeling a bit alone .

Would you be upset about the above / say something or am I being precious ? X

Yep, your family sound quite shit. Sorry OP.

I understand wanting the physical support of your mum and dad. You're not entitled to tell them when to go on holiday...but a bit of consideration and support for you would be nice.

As for your brothers, just wtf. Really horrible. They could have booked it for another time when you could go. A family holiday excluding you, that's nasty. And as for being two months out regarding your due date.....

@DishingOutDone we don't have any family on DH side, his parents are dead and his brother has many many issues and they are basically NC

It's strange reading these comments because I wouldn't expect anything from my dad or brothers other than they pop around a few days after the birth.

I would probably welcome a bit more involvement from my mum, but not the extent that she cancelled or postponed a holiday. She'd probably want to be a lot more involved than I would expect from her, so I'd see that as a bonus rather than an expectation.

Your mum was inconsiderate I'd say.

The holiday cottage, may have been a cost issue, the price would change alot for June but going in Apr would have probably been too cold/wet.

DP and I struggle to find a time when we can both get time off work, and that's just for 2 of us. For your DF, 2x DBs and 2 x SILs, they might have had little choice of times when they could all book leave, so had to go with what was available.

And I can totally get how they might have been 2 months adrift with the due date, too. DP could never remember if his DGD was due in June or July, despite her due date being his DS's birthday!

This story might cheer you up a bit?! This is possibly as selfish as it gets...

I'm an only child of divorced parents. I got married when in early pregnancy of my 3rd. 4 hours later I was told he had been cheating on me. To cut a long story short, he left, he didn't come back to see his children. So I had to go through a pregnancy completely alone. Both my divorced parents independently booked holidays for the week where I was 37 weeks. This is despite knowing I was ery likely to be induced that week due to serial growth scans showing a severe SGA baby.
So yep, I gave birth alone, and had to pay someone to look after my other children. Thanks mum and dad. Thanks for all your support in my only real time of need.

I've learned to no longer care. They won't be there for me. Despite putting me in the centre of their terribly messy divorce, like I was some prized possession to be won. Once one won, neither cared.

I don’t think you’re being entitled. People seem to have very low expectations of family members on MN. I wouldn’t expect my mum to go on holiday up until two weeks before my due date and I wouldn’t expect my siblings and dad to book a holiday without me and certainly not on my due date. It depends on the closeness of your relationship, but it’s obviously close enough that you are bothered and find it strange.

I would speak to them and let them know how I felt. Then I would draw a line under it and if necessary adjust my expectations in future. It’s a shame when you feel let down, but it’s an exciting time in your life so you should focus on all the positives and not hold on to any negativity.

People seem to have very low expectations of family members on MN

I always think that they have very high expectations . My parents often go on holiday with my sister and her family. They're just close like that and are happy to share similar holidays. I don't feel snubbed by it.

(And that's not to say I expect others to feel the same, just musing over how different people's experience can be. It's such a broad spectrum).

My opinion is that you learn from this.
Clearly your family arnt prepared to go out of their way to help you OP. I think I'd look at your life, and focus on the people who are supportive of you in the same way you are there for them.
Just because your related to someone, doesn't mean you can rely on them, that you have to love or like them and sacrifce your time for them.
I have recently cut some family out of mine and my children's life as I was sick of the drama they caused and their take take attitude. Best thing I ever did. Why spend time focusing on people who wouldn't do the same for you. Best thing I ever did. They are the losers. I've gained extra special time to spend with the my kids and family who do care. Time is precious!
Not everyone is nice, but avoid drama. Walk away, if my family couldn't remember my child's birthday I would be really sad, they have let her down which is awful.
Just don't be that person who expects everyone to drop everything for them, you will get a big disappointment!

Just to be clear , my mum only just booked her holiday. Not expecting her to cancel any long standing booking.

@ThisMustBeMyDream oh that's just awful, I'm so so so sorry that your parents are so shit !! I'm sure you would never do that to your kids.xx

With all due respect how on earth can they be expected to plan around you? Babies are unpredictable, so unless they discounted a number of weeks there was always potential that you could give birth around the time. The reality is you probably wouldn't want to go a couple of weeks before just in case, and let's face it no one would go on holiday with a brand new newborn if they had a choice so that counts out a big chunk of time afterwards.

DP and I struggle to find a time when we can both get time off work, and that's just for 2 of us. For your DF, 2x DBs and 2 x SILs, they might have had little choice of times when they could all book leave, so had to go with what was available.

I get that , but my dad is retired and one of SILs doesn't work, so that's 3 not 5. And not sure why my availability wasn't important too. The holiday could have been in March , or later summer ... perhaps somewhere different so that we could all go. And the little ones aren't in school yet so it could really have been at any time.

Well I wouldn't be sending any birthday presents or cards to your brothers kids.
Hopefully your mum will be back but she is cutting it fine.

Do they all live near each other and you live further away?

I think if you do, this sort of thing just happens naturally, they see each other in a more casual way, make plans without a huge group chat etc. You have a different relationship and it is probably more distant again if you are busy with babies.

Of course it's hurtful, but I think you (assuming you are further away) will have to be more proactive in the relationships, instead of being someone they have to organise. Try not to take it personally, just call more often.

Try not to take it personally, just call more often.

Eh??? I'm the one making contact and getting no response ! I'm the one that makes all the effort!

They love about 60-90 mins from each other and about 2 hours from me. In a triangle almost. None of us live in the same place.

Call bloody less..
Or not at all??

OP do you think you are the scapegoat ? Their behaviour suggests that you are and I think it would maybe be helpful to have a read up on the dynamics of these types of family.

Yanbu at all!

It sounds very stressful. I wouldn't dream of going away when my GC was due, for a month before or after. Especially if I'd agreed to help.

As for your dad and brothers, they're being thoughtless and selfish. Plan your own little holiday pre-baby or late summer.

Aww I'd be sad too! You aren't being at all unreasonable.

You’ve mentioned there are other children...My own parents were thrilled when their first grandchild arrived, but less and less excited with each subsequent one. By the time gc #8 arrived they couldn’t care less. It was hurtful for me. (GC #8 was my 2nd) Do you think your family have just taken this new arrival (& your pregnancy) for granted?

FWIW my in-laws were on holiday for every one of my new babies births, not sure which set of grandparents were worse!

I’d be pleased because personally I’ve just wanted to be left alone with my husband and new baby for at least a couple of weeks after our children were born, I’d hate to have to fend off the hordes. Visiting after they all got back would be ideal for me. But I appreciate everyone’s family dynamic is different so I’m sorry you’re unhappy.

I think you are right for feeling like this. My family are hugely supportive and would never dream of doing something like this. My husband’s family, however, did just this. They booked a holiday just before my due date, coming home a few days before. I was gutted for husband over this as it was their first grandchild. I kept telling them before they booked that she could come early but MIL was adament she would be late. They took the chance and it backfired. I was induced 2 weeks early - during their holiday. Although MIL was absolutely heartbroken over this I had warned them and they could have still not gone if they so wanted and claimed back the money on insurance... but they still went.

My journey from induction to birth was horrific, overall I was in hospital for 8 days. After having my daughter eventually by CS I just remember thinking, ‘Thank God my family are here because I cannot look after my baby in this pain.’ My husband could have done with the exact same support from his family but they decided going on holiday with friends was more important. I can never forgive them fully for doing this.

I’m sorry this is happening to you and only hope your baby arrives after your mum returns.

The quicker you can adjust to being completely independent and not relying on any of these people any longer the better, and that includes your dm as well.

Zero expectations works both ways, and it will give you the chance to enjoy your young family and life without feeling hurt all of the time.

Yes you need to get through the birth, but you can make plans for your other dd. You may be lucky and sail through it all and be home in six hours. Plan for the worst case, but be hopeful that things will go smoothly and you will soon be home.

After fifteen years of this kind of thing, I can tell you this situation will not change. The only thing that can change is your reaction to it.
Make your life what you want it to be, and if they are around fine, if they are not it makes no difference either way to you and your lovely young family.