Would this upset you ?

[Shazafied]

I might be overreacting because I'm tired and hormonal but ...

My family are going on holiday the week that my baby is due.

I have a 14 mo dd and am due in first week of may with dd2.

My brother recently contacted me to say that he, my other brother, both their wives and my dad want to book a holiday cottage in the Hebrides (I live in north east England) for the first week of may. They already seemed to have planned it but at that point it was unclear if it had been booked or not.

I replied that I might be busy that week.... no response. Then I replied again and said my baby is due that week, how could we possibly come ? He said "oh, we all thought your baby was due in March". No apology. I replied again and said we'd like to be included, could they look at something at a time that means we can come ... no response.

My mother wasn't included as she and my father don't speak...but I've since found out from her that it has indeed been booked now. I have tried to call my dad to say I'm upset - no answer. I've sent a message saying "are you going on holiday in may too?" And no response. He's probably a bit ashamed.

To make matters worse my mum has announced that she's going to America for a four week holiday from me being 34-38 weeks. My last baby came at 38 weeks. This is despite me telling my mum that I was disappointed by the actions of the rest of the family.

We have no family on my DH side and I just feel like none of them give a shit. What if something went wrong / we need a few days help with dd1 ? Am I being unreasonable expecting them to try and be around... at least my parents ? They all live about 2 hours away from me.

This comes off the back of my whole family (except my mum and aunt) forgetting my daughters first birthday , despite me posting on FB loads in the run up ("can't believe she's going to be 1 next week!") .... I have without fail remembered my nieces and nephews birthdays, even when I was so skint I made cards and gifts myself ! And none of them EVER ask how my dd1 are or how my pregnancy is going.

I am very tired today with spd and dd1 poor sleep, husband working all weekend, so I guess just feeling a bit alone .

Would you be upset about the above / say something or am I being precious ? X

Yes, you are entitled. You are 100% entitled to expect more consideration from your mum and dad, your brothers maybe not quite som much, but defintitely from your parents.

One more email/text to DB and DF - Look, just tell me if you have booked your bloody holiday over my due date or not. Stop being so childish and ignoring me. If you made a mistake over my due date just say so! Yours, Grumpy Pregnant Adult

Hi Shazafied!
Sorry this has happened. I'm due the same week so can't say if you're being unreasonable or not because I am also an emotional mess. HOWEVER, I can tell you that my in laws have booked a holiday at the same time and although I'm trying my to let it get to me, I'm a bit miffed that they don't care enough to be here for their first grandchild being born (although I'm also a bit relieved, so I guess it's complicated).
No real advice, but I understand where you're coming from and I think some of the other posters are being a bit harsh.

As precious as your baby is to you it's just not everyone else main priority. Your allowed to be upset but it's no one else's issue.

@IncrediblySadToo thanks for the suggestions - I will
Make sure I have other people that can help with dd1. I've already come to terms that I might have to give birth without DH there (eg if it's in the middle of the night / happens very quickly).

@Firstbornunicorn congratulations and thanks for your understanding !!! Hope all goes well for you

@Fowles94 I don't expect it to be anyone's main priority / my whole family to be running around after me.... just some courtesy mainly.

YANBU It's pretty crap that your whole family has planned to be elsewhere around your due date. I had this with my mother. She booked holidays to coincide with the due dates of both of my DC. I think she wanted to avoid getting into a competition with the in-laws over being the first to see/hold the baby (DH is an only child, I'm one of 5 so mother already had a few DGC). I was hurt by this and it was another nail in the coffin of our relationship. Now my girls are adults I can't imagine any scenario where I would plan to be away if they were due to give birth!

As for your brothers and father, well it's no excuse but men are often like that. They don't remember dates, they don't send birthday cards etc if their partner doesn't prompt them or organise it for them. I've never forgotten my nephews' birthdays (they are in their 30's now!) while my brothers have never acknowledged my DDs'. I stopped sending my one brother a birthday card a few years ago as he's never sent me one (his late wife used to send them but his new wife, understandably, wasn't interested in picking up that role), and when I saw him he said in passing "You didn't send me a birthday card", I said "I know". He changed the subject but later said "Why didn't you send me a birthday card?", so I said (laughing) "When was the last time you sent me one?", he laughed and said "Fair comment". We now send each other a birthday text and GIF.

As others have said, build your friendships - that's what I did and they are more like family to me that my actual relations.

Thanks @RedBerryTea ... as for the bit about men, I do tend to agree!

I think I need to stop expecting so much and only invest as much as they do, as pp have pointed out. Low expectations = won't feel hurt when they forget things !

There are very few times in a life time when it is not entitlement to expect your family to support you.

Birth of a baby is definitely one, death is aborted and serious illness.
They can miss birthdays, be crap at Christmas but life changing moments for a functional family should be a given. So I disagree with pp that say a holiday is more important. Holidays happen every year, babies don’t.

I would make arrangements with friends for dd1 and go low contact with all of them. You don’t need the stress op. Enjoy your pregnancy, and next time something big happens to them, then they shouldn’t expect to count on you dropping everything anymore.

I don't expect people to plan their lives around me but am kind of disappointed at being cut out and total lack of interest.

But you don’t know what else is going on in their lives or how they might be restricted by work or child commitments.

Perhaps your family should be prioritising the birth of your next child, but they’re not. So I say again, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Hmm, I don't think this is that bad tbh. Your mum is going to be back well before due date, ok baby could come early but equally they most likely won't come before 38 weeks. If that happens, dad and brothers won't have left yet if I have read OP correctly.

As for their holiday - all they would be doing if they were there is popping in for a visit. Rarely if ever do male relatives help out with a new baby in that much of a hands on way. I have never ever heard of a dad going to stay with his daughter after she gives birth to help her with the newborn and other children, whereas I commonly see women doing that. Your mum will be there, that's enough.

Then I replied again and said my baby is due that week, how could we possibly come ? He said "oh, we all thought your baby was due in March".

^Yeah of course they did. They obviously booked it deliberately knowing you wouldn’t be able to come. Bunch of tossers.

Yanbu OP, yes they can all book a holiday whenever they want to but to actually go ahead when you’re due is pretty shit imo especially given that you have no family on DHs side.

Op your family sounds shit tbh.
I can't imagine not being 100% available for my dd should she ever have a baby!! Dil had one a few years ago and I juggled work to help her. Imo now you know where you stand back away for your own mh, don't have any expectations and they cant leave you feeling rubbish.

But you don’t know what else is going on in their lives or how they might be restricted by work or child commitments You are quite right. OP has no idea - because they have stopped communicating with her!

Had they not simply ignored her last couple of communications, had they spoken to her, even texted a response, I doubt she would be feeling quite so pissed off with them!

We do know what is happening in their lives though c1 holidays!

Hardly an excuse! So called family holidays they deliberately book on ops due date.

I totally understand why you feel hurt.
I expect that your dad is feeling uncomfortable about the situation so sticking his head in the sand.
All you can do is say that it's hurt your feelings and then do nothing more as it will just prolong the upset.
Your mum will hopefully be back in good time. Worry about that one when you have a reason to.

I was wanting her to be around at the time of birth, for support and to help with dd1 - this is what we agreed.

I was asking how much leeway do you think she’s obliged to give for that, though. Because no one knows when the baby is coming. I appreciate that 38 weeks is cutting things fine, but your mum may not and think she’s been considerate and kept to her agreement with you. Some people don’t make much allowance for things not going to schedule. I don’t think you’re being entitled about this at all, you’re being normal to want your mum’s support at this time, you’re being prudent to make arrangements in advance and to consider that the baby could come earlier. I just think it could be mismatched expectations and there’s no point being too pissed off about it now.

There’s also the possibility, since it sounds like there have been lots of grandchildren born in the last few years, that she’s just got a bit blasè about it and isn’t thinking about it as a big event, but as one more of a routine thing that needs to be squeezed in. Which is a bit crap, if so.

I agree with PP you are entitled - entitled to expect more kindness and consideration from your family - plus forgetting DD 1st birthday as well? What a shower

Are your in-laws any better?

OP, I'm a mum to 5 DD's and I can assure you that there is no way on earth that I would miss the birth of a grandchild for a holiday, so no, I don't think that you are unreasonable at all. Your DM should be back by 36 weeks at the latest in my view- but perhaps she thinks 38 weeks will be fine, which, it might well be. I would want to help you in any way I could - supporting you and your DH and looking after your DD for a start off. Not to mention cooking/cleaning and taking your DD out so that you and DH can have some time on your own with the new baby. However, we are a very close family and everybody is different in their needs and outlook. I'm sure there are many who wouldn't want their mums around but just want to be on their own. Anyway sending hugs for you OP and hope it all works out in the end!

Yanbu they sound rubbish. Of course you want them to be supportive and just slightly interested at the birth of your child, that's not being entitled

You're due the first week in May.

You're upset with your mum because she's expected back from holiday at 38 weeks and that's when you gave birth before.

You're upset with your dad and brothers for going away on your due date.

That covers a 2-3 week span. If you're late or need help afterwards then that could be a month where you expect people not to go on holiday. The way I read it is your dad and brothers will be here if your mum is not and then your mum will be here while they go on holiday.

YANBU OP, very selfish and uncaring of them in the circumstances.

The actions of family members totally amaze me at times.

My mum who I have been NC with for many years, did this to me many times when she knew I was really struggling. Typical of her usual selfish behaviour to be honest, she was a useless mum to me and an even worst grandmother. I don’t mind her lies, affairs and dramas.

Wishing you all the best OP, I hope everything goes smoothly this time for you.

Miss not mind! Auto correct epic!

Some families are just shite! Xx