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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to get married this year?

67 replies

Firstty · 24/02/2019 01:03

DP has just proposed and I have said yes. We already have a house and a baby and are very happy.

We haven't yet started making concrete plans but he has mentioned that he thinks Christmas 2020 would be good.

My initial thoughts are that I woul like to do it Christmas this year but trying to work out if that would be sensible or not.

My reasons for sooner are that 1. Almost 2 years is a long time for wedding planning and I think it would just prolong the stress. It's one day!! Also DSD(to be) is 7 and that is a long time to make her wait for something exciting. 2. We'd like to have another baby but I will be almost 38 by the time we are past the wedding 3. We have the money for a (non-extravagant) wedding so no need to save up.

The reasons for waiting are: 1. A lot of time to wedding plan so would not be stressful. 2. DD will be nearly 3 and therefore super cute and aware of her surroundings.

Would love your opinions. Obviously never having wedding planned before I don't know the ins and outs of what will make it more or less stressful!!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 24/02/2019 10:43

We booked our wedding in Feb last year to marry in November last year. It was plenty of time, even though we DIYd many of the elements that most people don't - though skipping a few helped also.

Although I enjoyed planning and preparing, I'm also one of those people who hates having a "thing" looming over them and dominating every conversation. I'd get that part of it over and done!

StinkyCandle · 24/02/2019 12:14

, I'm slightly surprised to see so many comments criticising long engagements as unnecessary, excessive, "dragging out" the planning, "boring for everyone" even.

because realistically, most couples won't just book a venue and put the whole thing aside for months, the preparation will drag on. Even as the bride I would have found it boring!

Arowana · 24/02/2019 12:37

We were engaged for 16 months which felt fine to me.

FindPrimeLorca · 24/02/2019 13:27

We were engaged for about 16 months but that was only because DH proposed in March and the venue we fancied was very much at its best in the summer and was already booked up for that year. If it hadn’t been for that specific factor then I reckon 6 months feels about right.

StinkyCandle · 24/02/2019 16:39

Being engaged doesn't mean you have started the actual preparations for the wedding. It's the wedding talk dragging for months that is painful!

Alaimo · 24/02/2019 16:58

I got married ,5 months after my engagement. And finished my phd and started a new job in between. Wedding is really as much effort as you make it. We had a busy time the initial weeks after getting engaged (choosing our venue, caterers, band & celebrant) and then again about 6 weeks before the wedding day (sorting decorations, finalising guest list), but there were still plenty of weeks where we barely did any wedding prep.

The one downside was that some friends couldn't make our wedding because they had already booked holidays, which is maybe less like if you give people more notice.

Confusedbeetle · 24/02/2019 17:07

Bookmum08 is spot on
If you go and get your licence you can get married in two weeks time. There is a difference between a wedding and getting married
You need to talk about which of those is the more important one.You have a child already and want another. You should just get married for
It allm sounds to me the converstion is entirely about a wedding, not a marriage PRIORITIES

CurbsideProphet · 24/02/2019 17:28

In England you first have to book a notice of marriage appointment first, then wait 4 weeks while the intention of marriage is displayed. After that you would be reliant on being able to book a slot at the registry office, or book a registrar to attend a venue of your choice. Is not as simple as "getting a licence and getting married 2 weeks later". It costs £450 to get married at the registry office here, plus the admin fees for the notice of marriage appointment (£70 ish). You can't just walk in and demand it gets done immediately Confused

Frazzled2207 · 24/02/2019 17:43

I think you might be pushing it to find a Christmas venue but could get lucky for early next year.

That said, I have been to weekday weddings in between Christmas and new year- seems to work as many people are off work anyway. That time doesn't work for all though. If you want a Saturday in the run up to Christmas you'll be pushing your luck assuming you find the perfect venue.

Once you have a venue and date sorted though, then the photographer, everything else is fairly straightforward. Not a fan of very long engagements myself.

Frazzled2207 · 24/02/2019 17:46

@CurbsideProphet where are you? That is def not normal. We went in and yes had to give notice but booked RO ceremony at the same time. And it cost about £50.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 24/02/2019 17:51

I planned my whole (peak summer) wedding, 100 people, country house wedding in 3 months. Its easy to do if you're not too fussy about having one particular venue.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 24/02/2019 17:52

And it wasn't on a weekday either! Find a venue that has dates free when you want (cancellations happen all the time) and you could easily do the end of this year - that's 10 months away

abcriskringle · 24/02/2019 17:53

I didn't find planning a wedding stressful at all. The only reason you may not get a date this year would be if your chosen venue doesn't have availability. But there will definitely be places with availability if you're not too fussy. The rest of it is easy enough - either go to a few local wedding fairs and / or email round some photographers/caterers (if needed)/ bakers / DJs or bands and see who is available on that date. Pay deposits. Done.

daisypond · 24/02/2019 17:54

It only costs £50 to get married at my local register office on a week day. I've just checked. Giving notice is £35 each.

CurbsideProphet · 24/02/2019 18:54

Wow registry prices and time scales really vary! Our county council is incredibly strapped for cash and must be trying to claw some back Grin

daisypond · 24/02/2019 19:05

Yes, I got married a couple of years ago and I thought it was very reasonable then, and prices don't seem to have increased, from what I remember. (I'm in London.)

Graphista · 24/02/2019 19:32

I've worked at various points for a very well known bridal boutique chain, a very well known men's event outfitters, 2 hotels and a large restaurant in event management. I also have a cousin who is an event dj (birthdays, weddings, bar mitzvah's, weddings), have 2 friends still working in the industry (one is an events organiser in a hotel that's very popular for weddings and the other is cake baker and decorator who often makes wedding cakes) and I can absolutely assure you venues and peripheral things like dj's get booked up very quickly for December/Christmas/new year certainly the best ones do.

"Wtf is graphista on? You go to a bridal shop, choose a dress and have it altered to fit if needs be. They'll do that for you."

It's not the dress you try on that's altered!

Unless you're happy buying a sample that possibly hundreds of others have worn (and some of us are I was fine doing that for mine, and it can be a ways to cut costs or simply to get the dress you like if it's been discontinued) but most brides who want a traditional and new gown, it has to be ordered at least 6 months in advance and the vast majority ARE made in China as they're usually made from some type of silk. It's a huge industry there. Some of those making do sell on eBay and similar but quality (and understanding of measurements and many brides don't know how to get their measurements taken correctly) varies greatly.

Measurements are taken and the dress is made up to those measurements but brides often change weight/proportion in the run up to the wedding, most commonly they lose weight from being busy organising the wedding and nerves. Also most dresses ordered from the uk are made up for a bridal height of 5'10" (unless otherwise specified for taller brides) as that's fairly tall for a uk bride and you can remove length from a dress but not add to it. The exact underwear and heel height the bride will be wearing also affects the alterations.

I'd also always caution against getting alterations done cheaply at a high street alterations shop that normally just does school uniform hems etc. I've lost count of the number of brides that tried this and had their dresses wrecked by inexperienced alterations ladies who are not trained seamstresses and not used to handling silk which is very unforgiving fabric for this.

"I've found in both my personal and professional experience that the longer you take to plan a wedding, the harder it is. There's longer to deliberate over decisions and longer for people to stick their noses/opinions in." Totally agree with this. I've seen brides with very long engagements decide on the most unnecessary additional details as they get carried away. I'd say 1 year to 18 months for a traditional big white wedding, 6-12 months for smaller more casual affairs.

I promise you I dealt with dresses by a variety of designers/retailers and they came to us from China mainly, occasionally other countries in the Far East.

"if the sample size isn’t close to the brides it might not be able to be altered to fit." Good point I almost forgot. I understood can only be altered (dependant on style of course) to go up 1 size, but was really surprised to learn that they can be taken IN up to THREE sizes (again dependent on style). Our in house seamstress was amazing and was quickly and seemingly magically able to add and remove all kinds of decoration to the brides specification - so don't be put off by something like a sleeve style you don't like or decoration it's lacking or you want added. Doesn't hurt to ask what's possible. I remember being completely amazed at one dress that a bride loved, standard strapless straight across neckline, except she wanted a sweetheart neckline and cap sleeves added and our seamstress did that in a few hours! So in awe of her talent.

And I agree there are some absolutely gorgeous dresses on the high street now too. But the alterations experts can help you make these personalised. They won't care it's a high street dress.

"We visited a few shops a two the end of May and not one of them flinched" of course not - great excuse for them to bump up the price for speedier delivery if a new highly decorated, many layered gown. And 5 months isn't too bad anyway. We did occasionally have some brides thinking a highly embellished full ball gown can be knocked up in 6 weeks though! Or were just hanging about in a warehouse somewhere in the right size!

"so are you on maternity leave at the moment? I planned most of our wedding during the last few months of my maternity leave. Was much easier to get out and visit venues and dress shops in the week as I found they had plenty of available appointments" yep weekends were always busiest whichever of the wedding related jobs I did, weekdays especially weds and thu were much quieter absolutely dead

There's huge variety in types and size of weddings and it's a very personal decision but that also affects what you're able to organise and in what time scale.

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