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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or expecting too much?

41 replies

Littletreasure2017 · 23/02/2019 19:02

Been with oh 8 1/2 years have one dd together and a mortgage together. Not sure how relevant that is but aibu to think we should be at least engaged by now?
Starting well have done for a while feeling really miserable in my relationship that's come to a stand still. I feel he is In charge of most decisions, when I asked if we could try for dd he said he wasn't ready so I waited for 3 years and now I want baby no 2 he still gets the condoms out which in my opinion is him saying no, he disagrees and says he wants to have another baby but won't allow it to happen 🤔 not sure what I wanted from this thread I just feel so miserable tonight and needed to write it down!! Xx

OP posts:
PawPawNoodle · 23/02/2019 19:14

Have you asked him to marry you?

RandomMess · 23/02/2019 19:14

You need to decide if having another DC and marriage are deal breakers for you...

Original poster
Littletreasure2017 · 23/02/2019 19:18

No havent asked him to marry me,I don't think it's right for the woman to ask!! ive name changed since but he has in the past used it against me, he said he wanted to propose but couldn't because of his mum ( she'd had a several arguments with us because I wouldn't do what she wanted ) - the most pathetic excuse I've heard!!
I feel it is a deal breaker to wait to have one baby is one thing but to have to go through all that again is another xx

OP posts:
planespotting · 23/02/2019 19:22

Well I asked because I wanted to be married before I had DC. If you want something you need to ask, I was told growing up...

Original poster
Littletreasure2017 · 23/02/2019 19:29

He know marriage is important to me xx

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 23/02/2019 19:34

You need to ask him to find out where you stand.

Original poster
Littletreasure2017 · 23/02/2019 19:37

Sorry I should have added more in my original post, I have asked him where I stand several times and he says he is wants more children and to get married but has said this for a year now and nothing.... just words and nothing else xx

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 23/02/2019 19:42

I don’t get this at all... why does it have to be the man proposing? If it’s is something you want why wait around moaning that it isn’t happening? Crazy! I proposed to my now husband because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life... I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for it to happen!

Original poster
Littletreasure2017 · 24/02/2019 10:25

Not something I believe in- woman proposing to men and I know I'll now be flamed for this but it's very each to their own in my opinion xx

OP posts:
Romanov · 24/02/2019 10:27

Do you want a marriage or a proposal?

(And Do you want a marriage or a wedding?)

Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 10:29

You believe in having children before marriage but not that women can ask men to marry them? Baffled.
Well your beliefs aren't getting you what you want in life but you crack on.

Heratnumber7 · 24/02/2019 10:30

If marriage is important to you, and he won't get married you have two choices

  1. Stay with him and stay unmarried
  2. Leave him
Your call.

NB if you choose 1. Stop asking him to ask you to marry you - he won't.

Alsohuman · 24/02/2019 10:31

If you’re miserable now it doesn’t seem very likely that getting married or having another baby will improve things. I’d be unhappy if someone else was making all the decisions.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 24/02/2019 10:32

Are you sure you want to marry this man?

It sounds as though you just think you might as well since you've been together for awhile and have a child... But actually you don't seem happy and he doesn't respect or value you.

katykins85 · 24/02/2019 10:33

I'm baffled by the women can't aak thing too?! Confused Is it that you want the proposal and fancy wedding more than the actual wedding??

Hollowvictory · 24/02/2019 10:35

Tbh he doesn't sound much of a catch really you sound like he isn't making you happy.

Merryoldgoat · 24/02/2019 10:46

I’m always confounded by the number of people with ‘traditional’ views who have children before getting married.

OP - he knows you want to get married, knows it’s important to you and hasn’t asked you in 8 years.

It’s not happening.

Shoxfordian · 24/02/2019 10:49

Why do you believe in having kids before marriage but not in women proposing to men?! Sounds like he doesn't want to marry you

Monr0e · 24/02/2019 10:52

I think it's obvious he doesn't want to marry you. He knows it's important to you, you have already discussed it but rather than agreeing to start planning towards it he find you off with a "someday" You need to look at his actions not his words. How long has he had you dangling on a string?

Also, what is the situation with his mum and why does she have any influence over him asking you to marry him?

As for not believing in women asking men, you pretty much already have. You've told him you want to marry him. Bar getting down on one knee you've asked him. It sounds like you want the full on proposal. If you already have dc's and a mortgage all you really need to do is agree a date and start planning. But he won't, so 🤷‍♀️

So you need to decide how long you're going to hang around for waiting. It looks like you either accept the current situation and be miserable or you have a grown up chat, clarify for definite if marriage is in the future and if it is start planning for it.

Whattodonut · 24/02/2019 10:52

Don't see it as a proposal- see it as weddiing planning. He's already said he does want to get married so ask him with a calendar if you can get a date booked.
Agree with PP. Do you want a wedding or a marriage? What matters more?

pinknsparkly · 24/02/2019 11:04

Is it the proposal you want or the marriage? My husband would never ever have proposed and didn't (still doesn't!) see the "point" in marriage. In his words, he feels that buying a house together, sharing our finances and entire lives together and planning on having a family together is far more commitment than a piece of paper (marriage certificate) ever could be. Neither of us proposed, instead he simply said that if marriage was that important to me then it was something he was willing to do for me. We eloped and had an amazing day, but sometimes I do feel a little sad that he didn't "want" to marry me and I'll never get a proposal and then I have to remind myself that the compromise he made (getting married without wanting to) was far greater than mine (getting married without a proposal or engagement). You really do need to have a proper conversation about marriage and a second child. We've agreed to start trying for a baby soon but he's so laid back (his general approach to life is "what will be will be") that any effort will need to instigated by me. That doesn't mean he doesn't WANT a baby, just that making the effort required (by which I mean taking conception vitamins, ovulation tracking etc) will have to come from me. It sounds to me like your partner is rather similar!

PengAly · 24/02/2019 11:17

I agree with what Romanov said. Do you want the proposal and wedding or the marriage?

PengAly · 24/02/2019 11:23

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP for saying she believes in men proposing. Thats her opinion and she is allowed it. Nothing wrong with wanting something more traditional and please stop criticising her for being traditional about one thing but not the other, such as kids before marriage. Its not a one for all you know! Her life, her choice.

Anyway, OP you need to be clear about what you really want and why with your DP. He most likly isnt proposing because he feels pressure from you or that he doesnt want to get married but maybe try having an honest conversation with him where you dont keep asking him why or when but ask if he really wants to?

ElloBrian · 24/02/2019 11:29

It really is remarkable how old fashioned (and inconsistent) some people can be. It’s the 21st century! If you believe that it’s the man’s job to propose then presumably you don’t believe in having children before marriage either ... oh wait Hmm

So why on earth would he propose to you? You’ve given him everything he wants already. He doesn’t want to marry you. So you’re stuck really aren’t you.

Tennesseewhiskey · 24/02/2019 11:34

You want to get married. He doesnt. It should be you asking. but then you know he doesnt want to

If he asks you will know it's only because you have pressured. Not because he wants to.

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