Aibu or expecting too much?

[Littletreasure2017]

Been with oh 8 1/2 years have one dd together and a mortgage together. Not sure how relevant that is but aibu to think we should be at least engaged by now?
Starting well have done for a while feeling really miserable in my relationship that's come to a stand still. I feel he is In charge of most decisions, when I asked if we could try for dd he said he wasn't ready so I waited for 3 years and now I want baby no 2 he still gets the condoms out which in my opinion is him saying no, he disagrees and says he wants to have another baby but won't allow it to happen 🤔 not sure what I wanted from this thread I just feel so miserable tonight and needed to write it down!! Xx

It seems like you don’t communicate well - have you actually said to him: I want us to get married one day, where do you stand on that?

And also: you say you want another baby but still buy condoms which suggests you don’t, or at least don’t now. Do you want another child?

You need to know his actual thoughts rather than just ‘he does x which I interpret as this’, there shouldn’t need to be interpretation - only what you’be discussed.

If you have a house and child together you should be able to talk about these things openly rather than dance around them.

I don't think it's right for the woman to ask!!

Why? Because fire will rain down from the sky?

Women had to wait for a man to deign to propose to them when they were legally the property of men and under the control of men. Hence no sex before marriage, and women being ostracised from their communities for having a child before marriage.

Women were chattels in the eyes of the law. Your kitchen table and chairs are chattels, if you dont know what that word means. You think being treated as if you have the same worth and status as a chair rather than a human being is aspirational and something you want to defend? Really?

It's ignorant to defend traditions you don't understand that represent hundreds of years of oppression. Especially when you're cherry picking which bits to leave behind and which to uphold.

If you're not willing to take control of your own life and communicate like an adult with your supposed partner, what do you expect us to do?

It really is remarkable how old fashioned (and inconsistent) some people can be. It’s the 21st century

Its really remarkable that people cant just respect each others differing opinions. I dont agree with the OP's opinion but i also understand its up to her what she likes! You also have no idea the situation with her having had a child before marriage. Also, it shouldnt even matter! Why are people not allowed to have their views on one thing and than think differently about the other? In what way does that make any sense?

Why do you want to marry this tosspot anyway?!

I couldn't imagine planning a proposal and getting on one knee.
But I don't see why you cant just go "listen, it's important to me, let's get married this year. September sound okay? Nothing big or fancy but we should book something."
Me and DH were engaged for years, watched one TV program on getting married on a budget, realised we could afford it if we lowered our expectations a bit and were married that year. Pretty much had some things booked within the week.

I saw somewhere about how we give people a chance to not answer by how we phrase things.
I feel we work well as a couple, we have a child, I would like to marry you, what do you think and when?
He says not this year maybe next.

You say , why, what do you think will be different next year?
He himself and ars...
You so are you saying that you do see us together as married?
Him.. gets cross.
You. No. I want an answer, you need to explain.

So he says he wants to try for DC2 but keeps using condoms .... What would he do if you openly ask him about it as he gets them out ? Or do you just spectate and then worry about it on your own?

What happens if you say "I want XYZ out of a relationship and if you do not intend to follow through on your promises please tell me now so I can decide where it goes from here."

TBH if he wanted to propose he would've done it and not used his mum as an excuse. If he wanted DC 2 he would have made steps towards it not keep using condoms.

Time to be assertive and find out where this is going I think.

I would like to marry you, what do you think and when?

How is what do you think and when, even giving him the very to say what he thinks.

I hate this type of questioning. Leading people so there is only one answer they can give one answer while asking for their opinion. You don't want their opinion.

It's awful being subjected to that sort of thing

But he has already said he wants to.
So how is putting on the stop so wrong?

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked you.

Wake up and smell the coffee, if he wanted to marry you, he would. Actions speak louder than words, ditto on the condoms - he's on the fence about dc2.

He's hedging his bets here. The status quo shoes he's telling you that you are good enough now but reserves the right to leave you if someone better comes alone.

The excuse about his mother is pathetic.

Sounds like you have major communication issues, why is he so in control of all of this? God, get rid, life's too short.

You can't make him want to marry you or have another child. He's well within his rights to refuse. Your grievance is that he's led you to believe that he wanted the same as you, but now he's dragging his feet.

Is it just timing that's the issue? He's said Yes, but not yet. Are there valid reasons why it would be better to wait? Financial?

Or do you think he's not telling the truth, just stringing you along?

Who does the asking is irrelevant. As is 'being engaged' without a date for the wedding being fixed.

You need a serious conversation, because if he's not being straight with you, you shouldn't be wanting to marry him or bringing another child into this world.

I'm not forcing him into anything hence why I'm not engaged married or had more children but I think the ones who said he is leading me on and doesn't want the same as me are right!! Thankyou for your replies xx

But he has already said he wants to.
So how is putting on the stop so wrong?

Except it's quite clear he doesnt want to. The op can carry in regardless and demand they set a date. Knowing he doesnt want to which will lead to a short and/or miserable marriage.

Or she can actually ask him what he thinks. Not what do you think and and what date are we doing it.

I had this with my ex. He had a very close overbearing family, especially ex's mother. We were together 10 years and it was never the right time to start a family or to get married. When I bought up the subject of marriage he said he was going to ask but wasn't now as I had bought it up, wanker!
Luckily he's mother was such a psycho that I ended it. I then found my soul mate, it was so easy! After 6 months together we discussed marriage and children. 7 years later I have two amazing DC's and have been married 5 years.

OP, my first response was blunt, although I stand by it.

I think you know that he's saying one thing (albeit noncommittally) but none of his actions reflect what he's saying. He may well be fobbing you off with platitudes and that he wants the same just to delay the commitment and to stop you going on about it.

I think if he truly wanted marriage and dc2 then he would be at least talking about marriage, and he wouldn't be actively preventing a pregnancy.
The sensible thing is to have a frank conversation about this, don't be placated by future faking, you need to know exactly what is going on here as I fear you are wasting your life on a hiding to nothing with this guy.
All the best, you deserve more certainty and a shared vision of the future. You don't deserve to be sitting and guessing and hoping about what he's thinking.