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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my life as bad as my family say it is or are THEY being 'aibu'?

68 replies

Lostandconfused240 · 23/02/2019 16:11

Recently my mum died after a long illness. My mum was my constant support in life. She told me to be happy and to enjoy my life. She always told me everything would work out in the end. I've been left with my brother (who is my shining light in this situation) and a host of family members who have been hugely unsupportive.

Only a few days before the funeral my dad said to me that he feels I wasted years of my life on bad decisions and I have also had other comments from family members that have made me second guess what I'm doing. I was expecting support from them, but now feel utterly alone and battered down.

I don't know what is 'normal' for someone of my age (29) to have achieved but for a brief rundown, I have some areas of success and some without:

I live at home, don't have my own place but I have £20,000 in savings
I have travelled extensively
I have full time employment but not a career, nor a job I want to stay in
I have a relationship, although not sure he is 'the one'

They make me feel that living at home, not having MORE money, not having a career and not the best relationship means I have failed. I guess deep down I have felt this too, which is why it struck a chord.

Is my life fairly normal for a 29 year, for any person in general, or are they right that I'm coasting by and not living up to my potential? I'd say my family are high achievers, won't reveal their jobs in case anyone might happen to read this, but they are (mostly) in high earning professions. In comparison to THEM, they make me feel I am not amounting to much.

OP posts:

MaggieAndHopey · 23/02/2019 17:23

@IncrediblySadToo even with a 95% mortgage? Say a two bedroom flat?

MaggieAndHopey · 23/02/2019 17:24

Anyway, my main point was, the OP is doing just fine as she is. The last thing she needs is people giving her a hard time when she's grieving her mum.

letsdolunch321 · 23/02/2019 17:27

Sorry to hear of your mums passing. Possibly your dad/family could be jealous that you have savings/have travelled.

Like others have suggested I would look for alternative accomodation.

txtbreaker · 23/02/2019 17:27

You sound fine. Wish people wouldn’t judge others. It’s lame and unhelpful as they are not you. Sorry about your mum - she sounded lovely. You must miss her.

Singlenotsingle · 23/02/2019 17:30

When I was your age, we could realistically be "ambitious" because there were less obstacles in life. At your age, I'd bought a house and had a baby. He'd have been 3 when I was 29. I went on to have another ds, did a degree and worked for the next god knows how many years. BUT I hadn't travelled (still haven't very much tbh). Never had any great disasters or achievements.

My oldest ds, on the other hand, is still living at home (having gone out into the world and decided he didn't like it!), doesn't want children and can't buy a house. But he's happy! No ambitions, but he just jogs along with his mates, having fun. Isn't that what it's all about? I'm not really disappointed in him, because he's happy.

chocatoo · 23/02/2019 17:31

You sound fine. Well done for saving so well. I think when you look back that you will be really pleased that you were able to spend precious time with your Mum. Just tread your own path and don't worry what others say. Maybe time to take up a new hobby or interest to get out and meet new people?

FurrySlipperBoots · 23/02/2019 17:35

OP I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds like you were so close. It must be ever so hard for you.

I haven't read the whole thread (not well at the moment and struggling to concentrate!) so please forgive me if I repeat previous advice. Does 'At Home' mean with your dad? It doesn't sound like he's being supportive of you at the moment, and the last thing you need is him chipping away at your self esteem. It could be he doesn't really 'mean' any of his fault-finding and it's just his way of coming with the loss of your mum. It's not nice though. Do you enjoy your job? If not maybe consider a live-in role somewhere. If you have any qualifications or experience that suit you could become a nanny? You say you've traveled extensively - if you'd like to do so again there's always demand for 'travel nannies' - exhausting but usually well paid and a big distraction from the sad time you're going through.

SuperSara · 23/02/2019 17:35

What matters is what you want.

Do you not have a career because you don’t want one or because you feel you don’t have the opportunity, or feel yourself not capable?

Are you still at home because you can’t afford not to be, or because you’re saving and have plans to buy (or rent)?

It’s really about being happy with your own plans, rather than what anyone else wants for you.

So sorry about your mum too.

SassitudeandSparkle · 23/02/2019 17:44

Sorry for your loss, OP , is your brother living with your dad as well?

As a PP has mentioned, I also wondered if it was the travelling that was behind your dad's comment. Even in my day (I'm probably near your dad's age) I remember people travelling but it was for a shorter time - say just over the summer - than people do now.

As you say, they have hit a nerve with these comments because it is something you have thought about yourself. You don't say why, though - is that because you are comparing yourself to your family? What makes you think that it's not enough?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2019 17:50

I’m sorry for your loss.

Idk why your father said what he did. Maybe he’s an unkind person. Maybe he is angry at your mum for dying, angry at the world and / or angry at her illness for holding you back.

If you aren’t sure about your partner, take some time to reflect but do be aware not to spend the most vivacious and fertile part of your life (if children see the plan) on someone, who you don’t intend to settle down with.

MoBiroBo · 23/02/2019 18:01

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum

You are doing fine. So what if you haven't left home or got a "career" at 29?

You have a job, savings, you have travelled. Just live your life your way, not how other people imagine you should be.

I have a degree and never used it, fell into a nice 9-5 weekdays only job straight out of uni just to pay my overdraft back and just never left. Met Dh who was still a student, moved with him for his much better paid job and never looked back. Had children and worked our lives around them ie what house to buy near a good school.

The main priority for life is be happy, you sound like you are.

Longtalljosie · 23/02/2019 18:04

You have just lost your mum. I don’t know why your family are not being kinder to you, I suspect it is something to do with their grief. I would take a few months to take stock

Chickpea99 · 23/02/2019 18:09

I have started my life from scratch at 30 - had one suitcase with clothes and £100 in cash. Shared a room and got a job in warehouse.
7 years later I have my own house, good career and good relationship.
Everyones path is different darling, but BELIEVE ME - YOU HAVEN’T WASTED any ters and you are PERFECTLY OK.x

MrHaroldFry · 23/02/2019 18:17

What is normal? Whose definition of normal are we using. I think you are in a great position financially and possibly will consider getting your own place soon.
However, make your own choices, don't have them foisted on you by interfering old busybodies.
Maybe look at what you think you might like to have achieved by 30 and aim
In that general direction.

Lightnings · 23/02/2019 18:17

Through experience, when a mother dies, it opens you up to all sorts of shit from family members. The force field that protects you from their shit is gone. They’re arsehole cowards because I bet they never had the balls to say things like this to your mum as she would have undoubtedly stuck up for you and told them where to go.

Just completely ignore these people and shut them out of your life. Don’t justify yourself to them. If no one can bring kindness into a relationship then they can fuck off.

For you

SureTry · 23/02/2019 18:29

There is no normal. We're all just trying to get through life and do the best we can. Fuck what everyone else is saying, they are judging you through their own life experience, with their own hang ups. You're doing brilliantly just keep on doing what you're doing.

Bless you and sorry for your loss

AJPTaylor · 24/02/2019 10:21

Life is a marathon. Not a sprint. You sound in a good place to me.

PregnantSea · 24/02/2019 11:20

I think it's unusual to still live with parents at 29, but you say that this was partly due to your mother's illness, so sounds pretty reasonable to me. Everything else you've said sounds normal. Tell your relatives to mind their own business. It's none of their concern and it sounds like you were happy enough until they started poking their noses in.

£20k is enough to put down a deposit on a place. Maybe work towards a more stable career and then buy your own place.

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