Is my life as bad as my family say it is or are THEY being 'aibu'?

[Lostandconfused240]

Recently my mum died after a long illness. My mum was my constant support in life. She told me to be happy and to enjoy my life. She always told me everything would work out in the end. I've been left with my brother (who is my shining light in this situation) and a host of family members who have been hugely unsupportive.

Only a few days before the funeral my dad said to me that he feels I wasted years of my life on bad decisions and I have also had other comments from family members that have made me second guess what I'm doing. I was expecting support from them, but now feel utterly alone and battered down.

I don't know what is 'normal' for someone of my age (29) to have achieved but for a brief rundown, I have some areas of success and some without:

• I live at home, don't have my own place but I have £20,000 in savings
  
• I have travelled extensively
  
• I have full time employment but not a career, nor a job I want to stay in
  
• I have a relationship, although not sure he is 'the one'
  
  They make me feel that living at home, not having MORE money, not having a career and not the best relationship means I have failed. I guess deep down I have felt this too, which is why it struck a chord.
  
  Is my life fairly normal for a 29 year, for any person in general, or are they right that I'm coasting by and not living up to my potential? I'd say my family are high achievers, won't reveal their jobs in case anyone might happen to read this, but they are (mostly) in high earning professions. In comparison to THEM, they make me feel I am not amounting to much.

[melonscoffer]

When you are ready to move out and maybe have met your life partner you will be glad of your savings.
If you ever want to buy a house you will have a good deposit and hopefully your partner/husband/wife will have a significant amount to add to it.
Keep on with your life however you choose. Do not feel pressured to move out and blow your savings on a crappy rental.

[SirGawain]

Nothing wrong with your life except their attitude. Ignore them!

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

The death of a parent raises all kinds of emotions, OP. I am sorry for your loss.

What the rest of your family say is unimportant. Never strive to be "enough" for other people. BUT - you say that it has struck a chord with you, so maybe there are areas of your life where you aren't quite happy?

At 29, and with no debts (and in fact, some savings) you probably have many choices. If you are happy and comfortable with the status quo, stick with it - there seems nothing wrong there and it really isn't anyone else's job to approve or disapprove. If you want to make changes - go for it!

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Are you content with your life?

If so - just enjoy being and doing what you are.

You may not be a "high achiever", but it seems you have managed to earn enough to live comfortably while avaoiding the stress which often comes with "high achieving".

Only you will know if you want to get "more" out of life - or indeed, what that "more" would be.

[BinaryStar]

Different people put value on different things. For some people, and your Dad sounds like one, prioritising getting established in a serious career and getting yourself set up in an adult home is a priority and something to aspire to. For these people spending much of your 20s travelling would not be seen as a good use of your time.

Other people, and I assume you’re more here, want to enjoy the freedom that comes with being young without dependents and are keen to travel a lot and aren’t fussed if they haven’t started a career.

Now neither of these are particularly wrong or right. It is your life and you should live it as you want but accept that your dad views life differently.

I would say though that this may be a good opportunity to step back and have a think about where you are going from here. What do you actually want to do work wise taking into consideration what you’re trained for, what you’re good at, what pays well and what you enjoy? Do you actually want to remain in this relationship or do you want to move on? Drifting in your 20s is fine but you wouldn’t want to wake up at 39 and realise that you had sleepwalked into being 10 years older, in unfulfilling relationships and without a job or career that you enjoy.

[dorisdog]

Sorry for the loss of your mum.

At 29 I was in an awful relationship with someone who definitely 'the one.' I had a job I liked, bit not a career. I didn't live at home, but in a housing co-op! And I'd done a bit of travelling and was having a great time with friends and had a gorgeous dog. I had zero savings. So well done :-)

At 29 I still felt like a teenager tbh. I really wouldn't worry. Use your savings to get away from your family, I'd advise.

[scrawnybutscrumptious]

Sorry for your loss . In my experience of the death of a parent (my mil), the treatment my DH received from relatives was awful. At the time when he really needed the love and support, they came down hard on him. It was a terrible time and I really feel for you. That said, they're probably grieving in their own way and it's bringing out the worse in them.

You sound like your life is going well, despite these problems. Who says you have to keep striving and achieving wonderful career etc. If you're happy with your lot, (extensive travel is a gift) then forget them. How many folk get to middle age, burn out and wonder where their years went?

[Springwalk]

Your life sounds great, just for the record. But why are you even listening to them?
You are doing brilliantly for someone so young.
I would be limiting the contact you have with these people op. They are damaging your confidence and happiness. Life is too short to have such toxin people in your life.
Focus on the people that bring light, drop the rest like a stone. Be happy as your mother asked you to be

[nrpmum]

You know what, if my two turn out like you I'd be very proud. I learnt a while ago that you should do what you want, because life truly is too short.

Please take care of yourself.

[Lostandconfused240]

Thank you so much to ALL of you for your beautiful, kind and supportive posts. I've had so little support in my 'real life' and coming online to find such kind and thoughtful words has been a huge help, especially as the AIBU section can be so brutal at times! Thank you thank you thank you.

[Springwalk]

Sorry you lost your mother op 💐

[LuaDipa]

Live your life for you. You have travelled, you have savings and you spent time with your mum when she needed you. I think those things are huge accomplishments that many people would envy. The people that are criticising are not people who’s opinion you should worry about. If you can look back with fond memories and smile when you think of your experiences, you have achieved more than most. And as someone with 10 years on you, please believe me when I tell you still have loads of time!!! 29 is so young, enjoy every minute!

[BlueJava]

Ask yourself this - are you happy? If insome areas you are not then identify them and work on them. Maybe you decide you want to live alone if not there is nothing wrong with living in the family home.

Many people used to live in their "parent's home" and then move out - but these days having a "family home" is far more common where your parents realise you have grown up and treat you as such. May be you enjoy living in the family home and travelling a lot instead of putting money into a property - absolutely nothing wrong with that!

[AbbieLexie]

As a mum of a 29 year old daughter - I would be very proud of you and your achievements. I think you've done well. We're all different. Take onboard and heed your mum's wise thoughts and sage advice.

[crimsonlake]

It is so easy to be critical of someone else's life, as long as you are happy and content that is all that matters here.

[IncrediblySadToo]

(((Hug)))

I’m so very sorry about your Mum 💐xx

I presume your parents were still together given the way you’re talking about things? How old is your brother? It sounds like he might need you to stay at home for a while, given your dad’s attitude. I can’t believe he said that to you, let alone in the days between your mum dying and her funeral.

If you were my daughter, I’d be proud of you 🌷 You were there for your Mum, you’ve saved well, you’ve travelled, you’re working but ambitious enough to want a different job and on top of that you have the good sense to be objective about your relationship.

Think about what YOU to do now (apart from the obvious xx) and decide what YOUR plan is. Don’t do anything daft with the money you’ve saved to try to prove anything to them.

Your Mum is still with you, she always will be.💕

[MaggieAndHopey]

I'm so sorry about your mum. I think you've done really well to amass £20,000 in savings at 29. You are in a good position to buy a house now if you wanted to. You're still only young, no-one should be telling you you've ruined your life.

[IncrediblySadToo]

When thinking about your future, focus on this... She told me to be happy and to enjoy my life.

If you do that you can’t go wrong. Balance future needs & wants with current needs & wants and you’ll be just fine.

Also, though, be wary of making huge decisions right now because the death of a loved one has a huge impact on our thinking and although we feel we know what we are doing, we can look back and think WTAF was I thinking?!

[claireblueskies]

Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be people better off than you and worse off than you - don't let your family draw you into this horrible game of comparing yourself to others.

Focus on the positives about you. You've accomplished lots of things whilst caring for a poorly parent - you will live out the rest of your days in the knowledge that you were strong enough to be there for your mum in the days when she needed you. It's not the sort of achievement anyone seeks out, but it's the sort of achievement that proves you are a decent human being and you can cope with all kinds of shit. No one can take that away from you.

People change jobs and partners more often than they used to - your current job and your current partner may not turn out to be permanent. If they don't, it's not a failure on your part, it's just the start of another chapter in life. And after what you went through with your mum, you know you're strong enough to cope with whatever comes next.

Don't let anyone talk you down. You've done well to get where you are, and you are still young enough to go so much further, if that's what you want. Life is about choices - your choices. You make them and you live with them, so make sure you're doing what makes you happy - not your extended family.

[IncrediblySadToo]

maggie. That depends where she wants to live. She couldn’t buy anything here with a £20,000 deposit. (Central SE)

[Missingstreetlife]

Sorry for your loss.
You're a grown up, do what you want.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Sorry about your mum. You kept her company through a terminal illness. What more could anyone ask. You sound sensible, kind and thoughtful. Do what your Mum said and enjoy your life. You have a lovely brother too. When you are grieving you can become hypersensitive so try to ignore the unsupportive relatives.. what right have they got to comment on your life anyway? When they were getting a foot on the mortgage ladderit was probably a lot easier and I don't think people have come to terms yet with how difficult it can be for people of your age group to find somewhere of their own to live. Don't be in a rush because of them. Take your time to get used to things. You sound lovely. Best of luck

[Sparklesocks]

So sorry for your loss ❤️
It’s hard to ignore what others say sometimes but if you’re happy then frankly that’s all that matters. Some people have a very specific idea of what life should be and can’t understand those who choose to live outside of those parameters - but that’s their issue, not yours.
Maybe you could take your savings and move out, build a home for yourself and be away from the judgments.

[BrizzleMint]

I'd say you are doing pretty well but I'd be using that 20k for a deposit on a house.

[lazymare]

My brother is 30, on his way to being high-flying, and only properly 'left home' a year ago. It was working for various reasons.