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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I approach DD new boyfriend?

32 replies

whatacrapusername2306 · 22/02/2019 22:29

So DD has her first proper boyfriend. They met at college and have been together a few months. He has visited our house, but only with a group of friends together. I have said hello/light chit chat but have kept my distance. Her best friend has told me he is a lovely lad. However, from what I can see it is slightly more on his terms than hers. He decides when they meet up etc. If circumstances happen and he does visit our house on his own, do I have a chat with him and ask what his intentions are? I don’t want to grill the poor boy, but maybe just let him know that I expect my daughter to be treated well. Or do I just let them get on with it! I am new to this teenage relationship thing so any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:

Neverender · 22/02/2019 22:31

I'd leave them to it but try and involve him in your family. Is there a middle ground?

Wolfiefan · 22/02/2019 22:31

Jeez no. Don’t do that. She will be mortified. It’s up to you to ensure she’s strong enough not to take any bollocks from anyone and to know how to set the boundaries in her relationship.
Can you imagine if your parents spoke to your partner like that?

pumpkinpie01 · 22/02/2019 22:32

I don’t think you should be asking what his intentions are , your daughter would probably be very embarrassed when she found out you had asked him that. Why would he be visiting without your daughter being there ? Just keep the conversation light and normal and get to know him like you would with any of her friends.

AllTheFours44 · 22/02/2019 22:32

Oh God, please don’t ask him what his intentions are, OP!

Just pass yourself. Chit chat, keep it light and try not to shame your daughter to death!

SuchAToDo · 22/02/2019 22:33

I would normally say keep out of it,

But since it's her first boyfriend and she doesn't have the experience of how to handle stuff and what's acceptable and not acceptable etc I would have to say something even if it was a quiet word saying that you won't stand by if he gets controlling with her and that it can't always be what he wants, she is entitled to have her say too.

JRMisOdious · 22/02/2019 22:33

What his intentions are? Good grief no. He’s her first boyfriend. She won’t remember his name in 5 years.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/02/2019 22:33

Are these teens 13 or 19?

No, don't have a word with him. Do discuss with your daughter what a "good" relationship looks like.

Gina2012 · 22/02/2019 22:33

How old is your daughter? Do you doubt her ability to make her own choices?

Sparklingbrook · 22/02/2019 22:34

No, you absolutely don't do that.

Harrykanesrightsock · 22/02/2019 22:34

You need to talk to your daughter, not her boyfriend. I asume she is over 16?

AuntMarch · 22/02/2019 22:35

Do not challenge him! But maybe see if she wants to invite him over.

I hid boyfriends from my family. My best friend and her siblings boy/girlfriend's would be integrated into hers within a month. I do think that made it harder to end things when they inevitably fizzled out but somewhere in between would be good!

BlackForestCake · 22/02/2019 22:35

If you notice something that seems a bit off, tell it to her, not him.

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2019 22:36

Oh good God.

No, just no!

I would've died if my mum did that and I'd never trust her again tbh.

snitzelvoncrumb · 22/02/2019 22:42

No I wouldn't say anything to him. Make sure your daughter knows she is amazing, and deserves the best. If the relationship is on his terms she needs to know if she isn't happy then to change it or move on.

PrismGuile · 22/02/2019 22:44

Oh god, leave them too it. If it's more in his turns your DD may just be the more considerate partner.

Don't talk to him it's embarrassing and let's be honest, he's not going to be afraid of you and suddenly decide not to hurt her.

Talk to DD about boundaries and not letting herself get wrapped up in it and letting herself be walked over.

stiffstink · 22/02/2019 22:45

I'm cringeing in anticipation of the "what are your intentions?"" discussion.

What will your reaction be if he answers with something Victorian/costume drama-ish with "totally honourable ma'am, I would like her hand in marriage" or a limp Dawsons-Creek" style "heart lasts forever, I don't want to hurt her heart" reply? Vom.

Or if he tells the truth and tells you he's in lurve and looking to lose his virginity? Or gain some sexual experience? AAARRRGH!!

No good can come from that conversation!

Whereareyouspot · 22/02/2019 22:47

No don’t talk to him

But do talk to her.
You need to ensure she understands a healthy relationship and boundaries and what controlling behaviour looks like.

To him you just show you are a close loving family. Don’t alienate him as that will only alienate her too. If it does go tits up you want her to trust you.

It’s a minefield

HappyLife21 · 22/02/2019 22:53

Another one saying talk to her, not him!

BackforGood · 22/02/2019 22:53

Good grief no. I echo everyone else.
Apart from anything else, she'll never bring any future boyfriends to meet you if you are that embarrassing.

If you haven't been doing so over all the years when she has been living with you, then you talk to her about self respect and relationships (with anyone, not just boyfriend / girlfriend). Talk to her about life, not him.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 22/02/2019 22:54

That’s the worst idea in the world OP and I’mnot sure whether you’re joking!

No. But talk to your dd. Empower her and equip her to make good choices and engage in healthy relationships.

C1rrus · 22/02/2019 22:54

This is one of those times when all you can do is rely on your past parenting to come good.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 22/02/2019 22:56

Fuck no don't ask him what his intentions are your dd would never forgive you!

Leeds2 · 22/02/2019 22:58

Please do not do this! You will mortify your DD, and she will probably not bring him/any future boyfriends home ever again. You will also run the risk that he will repeat the conversation (no doubt embellished) to his/their friends, and your DD will be mortified all over again.

Do speak to DD about what constitutes a healthy relationship though, and that she doesn't have to put up with anything that makes her feel unhappy/uneasy.

Honeyroar · 22/02/2019 22:58

What do you expect him to do? Talk about marriage and kids! You'll probably send him running and have your daughter furious with you. You'll also probably never be introduced to a boyfriend ever again!

You'd be better trying to teach your daughter to stand on her own feet and not be on standby for him. Teach her about red flags etc.

NotTheFordType · 22/02/2019 22:59

What will your reaction be if he answers with something Victorian/costume drama-ish with "totally honourable ma'am, I would like her hand in marriage"

I'd clap him on the shoulder and hand him a beer!

Seriously OP don't do it - if he does have controlling tendencies then it could subconciously project to him that your DD can't protect herself and needs you to do it.

As plenty of PPs have said, general conversations about relationships and boundaries (and how to enforce boundaries assertively but not aggressively) with your DD is the best way forward.

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