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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you want right now?

53 replies

minieggsqueen · 22/02/2019 01:41

Me,
Financial security/stability
A career I enjoy
My own private apartment
A loving partner (mines not been very nice to me these past 2 days- I hate to say it as he's usually perfect, but some gaslighting behaviours going on..)Sad

Just now he told me off for booking a 10am appointment tomorrow and said it was my fault, when in reality 4 days ago he TOLD ME to book it at that time as it works for him.

I just don't know what to do when he gets like this. I cooked him dinner tonight and he finishes and calls me a cretin for not tidying the bed. I don't know what's gotten into him. (We joke about and call each other names regularly but always laughing and smiling so it's 100% out of character to use this word in a stressing/annoyed tone).

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 22/02/2019 02:13

Minie do you live with him?

Is there any way you could go to uni and stay on campus rather than commute?

You're so young to be made to feel like this. The fact he is so much older and you say you usually shut up and go along for an easy life makes it sound like he is very manipulative and controlling.

The fact that he is unsupportive of you going to uni makes me feel like it won't be long before he makes that so difficult that you give it up too.

Your life is worth more than trying to keep this guy happy when he can't treat you with basic decency. Honestly, it is.

VisitingDaisy · 22/02/2019 02:15

An entire new life.
To start entirely again from scratch
Some company and friends.

Original poster
minieggsqueen · 22/02/2019 02:16

@Pumpkintopf Yes, for over a year now. I could go back to my parents but I don't want them to know and think I've failed- they really like him.

I could, I just don't know whether that's the right choice, but if I'm still unhappy in a month or so I will obviously have to go for that because I can't have a negative relationship affecting my studies.

We have a gorgeous dog together though that I would hate to leave.

Thank you, you're so right- I could be doing so much right now without restrictions!

OP posts:
Original poster
minieggsqueen · 22/02/2019 02:17

@VisitingDaisy you've read my mind.Thanks

OP posts:
whatdoyouwantfromme · 22/02/2019 02:17

My IVF to work.

Original poster
minieggsqueen · 22/02/2019 02:19

I love how he's snoring along next to me as if everything's fine  why am I the one sleepless??

@whatdoyouwantfromme How heartbreaking, I really hope things work out for you really soon- don't give up!ThanksStar

OP posts:
doubleshotespresso · 22/02/2019 02:20

minieggsqueen thank-you I really hope your situation improves too! And i hear you about food shopping it's my biggest worry every week.

VisitingDaisy wow there's an idea!

Peakypolly · 22/02/2019 02:22

Don’t waste your time on this eejit.
I have a DD your age and I am sure your parents will not think you have failed and will be pleased to support you when they hear what you’ve been going through. I would.
(And what I most want right now is to be 3 stone lighter, which compared to what some of you are wanting is a very First World Problem so I will shut up)

JasonGideon · 22/02/2019 02:24

You haven’t failed, Minie, relationships break down for all sorts of reasons. I had to move back in with my parents 8 months pregnant Blush

Pumpkintopf · 22/02/2019 02:28

@Pumpkintopf Yes, for over a year now. I could go back to my parents but I don't want them to know and think I've failed- they really like him.

I'm sure they like you more and will support your decision particularly if you feel you want to share with them how he's behaving. I would certainly want my dd to do that. You haven't failed - you've been wise enough to realise you shouldn't be treated like this.
*
I could, I just don't know whether that's the right choice, but if I'm still unhappy in a month or so I will obviously have to go for that because I can't have a negative relationship affecting my studies.*

Good for you. Can I suggest maybe keeping a diary during this time, online or somewhere secure, and noting how he behaves/makes you feel during this time? Sometimes we have a tendency to minimise the bad, forget it or think it happens less often than it does. Your diary would be an objective 'log' for you to review.
*
We have a gorgeous dog together though that I would hate to leave.*

Aww. That would be hard for me too. Could your parents have the dog if your partner didn't want to keep it?
*
Thank you, you're so right- I could be doing so much right now without restrictions!*

Yes, you can and will. Please don't limit yourself to trying to keep this person happy.

Original poster
minieggsqueen · 22/02/2019 02:29

@JasonGideon hey, at least you had a beautiful baby who loved you unconditionallyWink we all have our hardships- I guess you never really know what's going on in someone's personal life hey?

I feel motivated now I must say, I know I'm worth more and someone out there will treat me amazing like he does, but 24/7 with no gaslighting.

Thank you everyoneThanks

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 22/02/2019 02:29

Whatdoyouwant fingers crossed for you Thanks

Original poster
minieggsqueen · 22/02/2019 02:30

@Pumpkintopf thank you! Unfortunately I don't think he'd let me take the dog (he bought him and pays insuranceSad). I love the idea of a dairy, I might keep it locked on my phone as I have a paper journal he could easily look through!

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 22/02/2019 02:31

Yes peakypolly agree with all of that (including the three stones bit!) Grin

Pumpkintopf · 22/02/2019 02:33

Minie brilliant , you sound really positive. Please keep us posted on how you get on?

And hope everyone else gets what they wished for on this thread too.

Night all SmileBrew

JasonGideon · 22/02/2019 02:34

Glad you’re feeling better Minie! Babe is back to sleep so I’m going to try and get some shut eye!

Original poster
minieggsqueen · 22/02/2019 02:45

@Pumpkintopf will do! Thanks everyone, sleep tightThanksBrewBear

OP posts:
Steeve · 22/02/2019 02:56

My brother to be healed. Whilst I'm LC, he has extremely severe spinal problems with an operation or spinal injection having a very high probability of leaving him paralysed from the neck down.

Everything else, and there's loads of serious shit, just pales by comparison.

Monty27 · 22/02/2019 03:02

OP your parents will welcome you back with open arms I am sure.
Don't protect him just because they like him. It's about you feeling secure and loved.
I would be horrified if my DD was living like you but felt unable to come home. Bear

Prettyvase · 22/02/2019 03:13

Op I am seriously worried about all the red flags each one of your posts has highlighted.

Please get out of such a toxic relationship. You won't be able to study with someone being so utterly unsupportive.

It is chilling to read what you are putting up with.

I have been married for over 22 years and not once has my DH ever exhibited such nasty gaslighting behaviour.

Why hasn't he crossed the line?

Where is the line? Do not smudge it. You need healthy boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour.

Keeping a diary is very important as evidence. He cannot gaslight you if you have evidence.

From now on keep a record of texts etc of decisions he has made so that he cannot undermine you at a later date.

You do realise he is trying to make you seem unwell/ crazy/ doubt yourself?

This is incredibly dangerous and toxic behaviour.

Coercing sex through name calling and making you cry?

Op this is seriously NOT OK.

If you were my DD I would want to know and would want you to come home.

Please get out. He's damaging you and he is no good for your mental health.

SneakyGremlins · 22/02/2019 03:22

Enough money to buy more food than just a week's worth.

And a good shag.

mrcharlie · 22/02/2019 19:40

Time

I have no desire whatsoever for materialistic objects, bores me shitless.
However, to be able to go out for breakfast on a random weekday seems like heaven to me.

I have no debt whatsoever, yet due to the cost of living I'll be forced to work for the rest of my life, in a job I don't really want.

NutElla5x · 22/02/2019 19:44

My dinner!

Floralhousecoat · 22/02/2019 19:51

I wish i could eat less carbs and sugar. I have pcos and really need to stick to a low carb no sugar diet. But i crave carbs and i know i know it's a sign my body's becoming more insulin resistant.

I would also love a good man in my life. I'm lonely and it's hard being a single mum. I miss intimacy, kissing, a chat. The evenings seem so long. Sorry for the sob story.

Op, please get out of this relationship. He has no respect for you. I would hate for my child to be in this position and not feel he could come to me. Your parents will support you through this. Please talk to them. They love you. Your partner doesn't.

Sending you hugs and strength xx

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/02/2019 19:53

Op do you think your parents would prefer you to be happy and treated with love and respect or miserable staying with a guy because they 'like' him?? I guarantee it will be the former.! The latter would break their hearts.

Accepting a controlling verbally abusive relationship is not working is not failing. It is the mature, rational and self loving thing to do!

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