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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be torn about this (MIL)

61 replies

ClarabellaCTL · 21/02/2019 22:52

My DH and MIL don’t get on well. She is narcissistic and PA, we both tolerate her for the sake of our kids and their relationship with her. She’s been making snide digs at my DH (to me) the last few times we’ve seen her. Eg, DH was taking our boya away for a few days without me as I had to work and he had some leave. I mentioned it to her and she said ‘Will he be able to cope with them’? Hugely insulting I thought, he’s their father and a wonderful hands-on Daddy. I snapped at her to this effect and she chuckled as if she’d only been joking. Tonight she is here (for the weekend) and I’m going away with my friends. She asked me ‘what will be made for dinner tomorrow when you’re not here? A boiled egg?’ I just looked at her and said ‘I’m sure DH will feed everyone adequately’ and she laughed and said ‘oh no, maybe it will be pizza’. At which point I just walked away before I caused an argument. I know if I told DH the things she says he’d be really hurt and angry, so I keep it to myself but at the same time I don’t like hiding it from him IYKWIM? It’s petty things I know, but she’s doing it on purpose and I don’t want to be the one to cause trouble by bringing it up.

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 10:29

@Thisnamechanger it's not funny when she does it. It's not banter as she would never say it to his face, she does it through me. It's not banter when he's not there to defend himself.

ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 10:29

So it seems she behaved pretty well at the weekend with DH while I was away. Bit random though – they went for a day out on the train and I noticed this morning she’s transferred the exact amount of her train fare into our account. Now there is no way on earth DH would expect her to pay, he’ll just have bought 4 returns and handed her the ticket. Financially there is absolutely no reason for this, DH and I are fortunately far from having to scrimp a few quid for a train ticket and she knows that. The day out was DH’s idea and to be honest we usually pay her way when we go anywhere so this isn’t the norm. I know there is a PA motive behind it but it’s so obscure I can’t figure it out!

Dowser · 26/02/2019 11:19

Sounds like a bit of banter to me
Cor...you wouldn’t last long in our family op

ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 11:26

@Dowser sorry but you clearly have no idea what life with someone like her is like. I don't know how many more ways I can say 'it is not banter'.

Sindragosan · 26/02/2019 11:27

It's possibly a generation thing from when house and children were solely a woman's job. Both mum and Mil will have the odd dig about dh doing stuff and not me, with the implication that I'm a lazy mare and he's incredibly poorly looked after. What neither of them remember is that they could both stay at home and have a good quality of life on one salary, where we both need to work Hmm. Times have changed but attitudes haven't caught up.

ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 11:31

I don't think that's it @Sindragosan. She was a single mum and worked most of the time so she doesn't really have a traditional view of home life anyway.

downcasteyes · 26/02/2019 11:32

Can you raise it with her, quietly and calmly? "Can I just pull you up on that, Pauline. DH is a great cook, and a great, hands-on father. Yet you constantly say things that undermine him and put him down, which is not just factually wrong but emotionally hurtful. I find this odd, from a loving parent. Why are you doing this?"

I spent years politely avoiding issues, while my PIL were rude and manipulative. I've started, very simply, callng them on things and it has worked surprisingly well. Don't let people rely on the fact that you know how to behave to undermine you or your family.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2019 11:33

It could be her weird sense of humour I guess but I can imagine how annoying that sort of thing is time after time. I’d probably just tell her that the way she is getting me down in your shoes.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2019 11:34

Yes downcast I agree with your post a lot.

limpbizkit · 26/02/2019 11:36

I believe you absolutely OP. I know exactly the sort. People minimising the very subtle snide digs are how they get away with it. @mumoftwoyoungkids suggestion is spot on and exactly what I would do. What she desperately wants is to fire you up get you or DH to spout off at her and she'll cower away and be the victim and you two the villains. It'll kill her that you're 'not picking up on' Wink her digs and letting it eat away at you. It'll also embarrass her probably. She'll be forced to stop because it'll be no fun. Please take mumoftwos advice. It's spot on. Good luck. Limit contact too

ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 11:49

@limpbizkit thank you - I think you are right and @mumoftwoyoungkids advice sounds excellent x

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