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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS wants to drop out of sixth form

51 replies

user1487546656 · 21/02/2019 16:17

Haven't used MN in about a year since last time DS wanted to do something ridiculous

So, my DS is 16 and moved into his boyfriend's (19) apartment after he finished his GCSEs last year. I know it's rubbish there because they have pretty much no money but, surprisingly, DS did not come trailing back. Somehow, they've survived on the little money they have together. They come round every so often but DS does not ask for money nearly as often as I'd thought (I told him I would not pay any bills as I absolutely did not want him moving out).

But, DS was going to sixth form so I was happy that he'd have at least some options after leaving. But, he did his mock exams the week before last week and when I asked how they went, he said he'd failed them and was going to drop out. This completely shocked me as DS did very well in his GCSEs and I'm assuming it's because of the stress of living away from home and having multiple part-time jobs. After getting a little too annoyed, he said that everything would be fine and he'd just find a full-time job. I personally don't know many full time jobs a sixteen year old could get that pays decently.

I really don't want him to drop out as I know that he always wanted to go to university and become a vet but suddenly he no longer cares about this. He's a very clever kid but he just makes very stupid decisions sometimes and I don't know how I can stop him - I can't physically force him to go to school and I can't force him to return home and live with me.

Just very lost about the whole thing and have no idea what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to help. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Fishwifecalling · 21/02/2019 17:29

You need to ascertain if he actually wants to drop out or if he needs to because he wasn't able to devote enough time to his studies what with working.

If it is the latter, and you can afford it, can you offer some financial help?

clairemcnam · 21/02/2019 17:30

OP sadly I think this was predictable.
I am not surprised he has not come home. He is living with his boyfriend, having a real taste of independence, and presumably lots of sex, far more attractive than living with his mother trying to tell him what to do.
But unfortunately you said you would not help financially, presumably because you hoped this would force him home. Instead it has just forced him to work, meaning he won't have enough time to properly study.

I think all you can do here is either nothing, or offer to provide some financial support and a tutor if he does not drop out ( if you can afford this).

NonHypotheticalLurkingParent · 21/02/2019 17:32

It's not illegal for him to drop out! Further education is not mandatory. He just will not be able to claim any benefits If he doesn't get a job or an apprenticeship.

A Levels don't suit everyone. If ds isn't enjoying them, he's not going to engage. Let him have some time to figure out what he really wants out of life.

LightAsTheBreeze · 21/02/2019 17:33

A friends DS dropped out of college at 16 and at 17 got various agency warehouse jobs, no training, no one really cared, they seem to concentrate on the under 16s not attending school.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/02/2019 17:49

Further education is not mandatory.
Yes it is or training in England. It has nothing to do with benefits!

NonHypotheticalLurkingParent · 21/02/2019 17:58

It absolutely isn't mandatory. If it was councils would have to fund transport for those who live more than 3 miles away from their nearest provider. It's a misnomer that you have to be in education, employment or have an apprenticeship. There is no law that could be used to prosecute those who don't do any work, education or apprenticeship.

C1rrus · 21/02/2019 18:41

Is “misnomer” the right word? I keep seeing it used like that, but I thought it meant that a word was a poor description or when a wrong word is used.

Michaelbaubles · 21/02/2019 18:44

I work in a sixth form college and have had kids drop out to get jobs. Yes it’s supposedly illegal but we can’t stop them leaving and there’s nobody to enforce it at all. Nobody can force them to come to college if they don’t want to.

Jackshouse · 21/02/2019 18:44

Legally he has to stay in education or training. In reality all that means he can’t claim benifits or be taken on in full time employment. Is he aware of this?

NonHypotheticalLurkingParent · 21/02/2019 19:07

C1rrus - no idea! I’ve always used it that way! Google says I used it wrong, I’ve learnt my new thing today!

It’s very loose legislation. If your ds was living at home and dropped out, without work planned, he couldn’t claim benefits and you wouldn’t get child benefit, etc. However, as he’s not living with you, he may be able to claim benefits as he’ll be seen as vulnerable.

Lightofday · 21/02/2019 19:15

As long as he did well on his GCSEs I think its fine. If he wants to go to uni some day (and deal with all the debt he will subsequently acquire) he can always take a few classes in college n get the grades then. Nothing to worry about, so long as he is employable.

Onetwopyjamacrews · 21/02/2019 19:18

I did well at gcse then found AS level very very difficult. I didn’t get on with many people who ‘stayed on’ and I dropped out and got a full time job at tesco, then in marketing. There I met my DP and at 22, i’m now doing an access course with the intention to go onto a nursing degree and become a nurse.

If i’d have carried on in 6th form I doubt i wouldve got into uni and it could’ve put me off going back into education. I get you’re worried, but if he still wants to be a vet in a few years he can always go back into education when the time’s right. He’ll appreciate you supporting him with his decisions too. It’s not the end of the world as much as it might seem like it to you

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/02/2019 19:21

I'm guessing you're not in England where it is illegal to drop out at 16? As that would have been a solution.

Are you in England op because he can’t drop out if so.

I wish people would stop with the poor advise and untruths

He doesn't HAVE to stay n school and do A levels - he can go to college and do a vocational course, he can do an apprenticeship, he can do unpaid voluntary work

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/02/2019 19:23

In reality all that means he can’t claim benifits or be taken on in full time employment.

Absolute rubbish !

My DS is still in 6th form AND does 40 hrs a week in McD - they all do. Its not 'illegal' .

Benefits are always situation dependent.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/02/2019 19:29

Nobody cares if 16-18 year olds drop out of college or 6th form. My DDs attendance at 6th form is about 60% and I’ve never been approached about attendance, unlike the threats in year 10/11.

I think the only thing you can do OP is step back and let him make his decisions, although I accept it’s very difficult at this age.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/02/2019 19:53

If he has dropped out as he'd rather spend time with his bf than study then it's tricky and there isn't much you can do. If it's because he's struggling to fit in school and study with working and housework etc then you could either offer to have them live with you, help them out with money or give them practical help with meals and cleaning etc to free up some time for him

You could also go through with him what options he will have when he is older. For example could you find a mature student to talk to him if he's saying he could do some qualifications around work when he's older, the reality of this might make him think twice (or he might think it's a great idea but at least he'd be informed)

TrainSong · 21/02/2019 21:35

Honestly, I think I'd support his choices to show you have faith in him. Because they're not bad/dangerous/irrfeversible choices. I think we get way too hung up on when people reach educational milestones, but why they reach them is so much more important.

I'd rather a DS had a job at sixteen (good for him) and returned to college later when he really wanted to do A levels, than mooching about and getting poor grades. And he is learning loads of things that others don't learn until later: how to pay his way, live away from home, live with his partner etc.

Also, though you disapprove of him leaving home this early and it's important he learns how tough it is to pay to keep a household running, I think you could buy him a bag of groceries sometimes, or offer to buy something for the house. It would show you care.

Applesaregreenandred · 21/02/2019 21:45

A levels and uni aren't for everyone- particularly age 16. I encouraged my DS to do his A levels with the view that he would have more options if he wanted to go to uni. However he wasn't enjoying it and dropped out after AS level.

He is now doing an apprenticeship and loving it. Obviously they may not take him on past his year but he has grown so much in confidence and is earning his own money. I think that you can Actually do an apprenticeship in animal care but I may be wrong.

BalloonSlayer · 21/02/2019 22:24

What rubbish some people talk. It is not illegal for a 16 year old to drop out of 6th form.

Up to the age of 18 a young person is supposed to be in education or training but any job for an under 18 year old will involve some degree of training so easily meets that criteria should it be challenged, which it never is.

However, a 6th form should check whether the parents have agreed to their DC leaving, and should have contacted you if he has failed exams. Have they done so? You should give them a ring.

Knowivedonewrong · 21/02/2019 23:00

My DS dropped out at 17. He hated college.
We fully supported him, but told him he'd have to get a full time job, which he did.
He's now a qualified Mortgage Advisor.

5foot5 · 21/02/2019 23:34

My DS is still in 6th form AND does 40 hrs a week in McD - they all do.

40 hours while doing A levels!? Is that even possible? I mean fair play to his work ethic but how can he be doing as much work for his A levels as he needs when he also has a full time job?

When DD was in VI form they recommended no more than 8 hours a week on a job.

TrainSong · 22/02/2019 05:58

I don't understand how anyone doing a full working week in McDonalds can possibly be studying enough to get really good grades in 3 A levels. My DC are always studying. They only do 3 A levels each, too. Not at some 4-5 A levels crammer.I don;t know when they'd find time for a part-time job.

tenredthings · 22/02/2019 06:11

University isn't for everyone and there's a good case for not starting out adult life saddled with a massive financial debt. Trust and support him as much as possible in his choices.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/02/2019 06:22

40 hours while doing A levels!? Is that even possible? I mean fair play to his work ethic but how can he be doing as much work for his A levels as he needs when he also has a full time job?

A lot of his classes end at midday, so he go into McDs at 3, finishes at 11, if school finishes at 3 he goes in at 5. Weekends too. 40 hours is nothing really on compressed hours. He likes the money. He's bright. He's sitting on B grades, with some effort he could get A's I suppose. We wont even touch his all night gaming addiction either …. he functions on very little sleep, he isn't behind in his work. One of the benefits of HFA is his photographic memory, he can churn out academic work with very little in the way of discernible effort.

One of his friends is the branch manger in another McDs - he does in excess of 60 hours a week. He really does work every hour - but when you are from migrant stock and dirt poor, you understand the need to work, to better yourself and also education. He's also keeping a mother and younger siblings afloat. He will get straight A*'s.

Why do schools still do 4 or 5 A Levels now they are not counted in the school figures? Most have stopped this.

Desmondo2016 · 22/02/2019 06:31

My daughter moved out at 16 just after starting sixth form. That was such a difficult time for me although her boyfriend was a couple years older and did earn good money as a labourer so that side of it was not so worrying. A few weeks in to the second year she decided she wanted to drop out to earn more money. I was distraught and our lines of communication broke down completely for a while. Slowly and surely, and through the use of my sister to whom she had always listened she agreed to see it out and we repaired our relationship. She got a job straight out of college, bought her first house a few months later and now, 2 years later is about to get married and have just moved I to their second home. I can't believe how it all turned around and fair play to her for that. But I do remember the awful time. I guess my only advice to you is to accept that the more you try to give advice the less you will be heard but maybe think if there is anyone else that you both respect and trust who maybe able to give your ds the support and guidance he doesn't think he needs?

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