I want a child

[Lalalyjn]

I’ve no partner can’t afford ivf can’t do adoption, should I give up hope?

Use a sperm bank then. I wouldn't want to adopt, either.

I raised a child for 5 years in a one bed flat! OP I am a child using sperm donor. IUI is cheaper than IVF. As mentioned do check the Donor Conception Network website. There are plenty of advice there.

Go on then, I'll help you out, just totally overlook the fact you sound like a hormonally charged near 40 year old with a baby fixation but a total unwillingness to compromise.

Sounds like a sweet deal, what could possibly go wrong?

OP a few things. You say you can’t afford IVF, won’t be considered for adoption and don’t want to give up your job.
Are you sure having a child is a good idea? It’s very hard having a baby AND working and even harder if you are a single mum. I know the urge to have a baby can be super strong but honestly, and I mean this with all kindness, you don’t sound like you are in a very stable situation financially or practically to be a single mother. This ‘want’ is about you really, when you really need to think about the needs and wants of any future child.

Sperm bank

It sounds like you want a baby because you're lonely?

Get a dog.

Can I be the 300th person to say sperm bank?

Why would you need IVF?

You need to realise that you don't want a baby all that much. You're unwilling to take any risks or compromise at all.

Plenty of guys on Facebook groups delivering sperm donations (just try not to think too hard about their motives)

Would you turn your life upside down if you “maybe” “might” have a child?

Pretty much 🤷‍♀️
You would probably need to move house and jobs (or reduce your hours) when you have a child so doing it in advance doesn't seem crazy.
It doesn't really sound like you want a child that much... if you're not willing to consider moving to a larger house in a cheaper area.

Do you actually know you will need IVF?

People in couples are always told to go for it, it will work itself out.

Women with 4 kids are told to LTB and like will be fine on their own.

Honestly OP it doesn't sound like you're in a great position to have a baby - not much money, 1 bed flat, no family support. It isn't an ideal set up. But whatever, loads of people have babies without really being able to give them the best life. If I were the judge, an awful lot of people would be deemed not suitable to have children. But I'm not, and nor is anyone else.

Sperm donation is the cheapest and easiest route to planned single parenthood.

Personally if I was single, 39 and living in a 1 bed flat I'd be channeling my energy into something else. I don't think it'd be fair to bring a life into a single parent family with no other help and by the sounds of it not much money. I don't see how it'd work.

I wouldn't go the adoption route. Fuck knows it will be hard enough as it is, no need to make it a billion times harder with adoption. So many failed adoptions. So little support.

Also sadly with age, the chances of having a child with health conditions and even autism rises. Some of these you can tell in advance, but others you can't so it's something to keep in mind.

Given your lack of dedication to getting a child you probably would be better off giving up hope. Well, not giving up hope exactly but putting it aside as a bit of a fantasy and getting on with the life you have where a child is unlikely. If you have children with your current approach to problem-solving it's not likely to be that pretty and I suspect you'd end up a lot less happy than you are now.

"Know one woman told she couldn't adopt as she was a bit overweight. A couple who were turned down as they have no nieces or nephews"

Halloumimuffin - I assume this is what the people you know are going around saying. Likely there were other issues that they're not so keen to broadcast..

OP - how do you figure on being in a position to buy a bigger place in 3 or 4 years if you had a child? Surely maternity leave and the cost of raising a child would dent your finances?

As others have said, you sound knee-deep in a pity party tbh. And like you don't have a lot to offer a child at present. Sorry if that sounds cruel.

I think people tritely say sperm bank,as if off you pop
Op you don’t seem in anyway prepared or realistic about getting pg.at all
You’re nah to any suggestions,as if it’s too great an imposition
Let’s be clear as a single parent a baby will be a disruptive factor,big imposition
Not saying that to be scary,it’s just it’ll all fall to you.

You want to raise a kid in a one bed?

Lots of single parents raise their kids in a one bedroom, especially in the early years.

OP, if this is what you want, do it. Whether by artificial insemination or having a fling.

When you get to a certain age your hormones start to tell you that you are running out of time to procreate, the menopause will be upon you before you know it and you must have a child NOW. The urge is very strong. You may not believe me, I didn’t believe those who’ve told me however, at 55, I’m sitting here (not) helping my 12 year old with his homework. I started trying for him at 39 and after two miscarriages and a year of nothing he was on his way.

He is so bright, smart, funny and I wouldn’t swap him for the world but, if I could wind back the clock and reach 39 knowing what I know now I think I would make a different choice. I’m lucky. Although he has asd he copes well. Yes, it has disrupted my career. Sometimes he needs taken to school or collected through the day. He can’t be left at home alone and childcare’s not so simple when they're 12 but generally he is an easy child.

....... But what if they had special needs that meant you couldn’t work or could only do reduced hours. What if you were ill or they were ill and you don’t have family to help out. Obviously this could happen if you were in your 20’s but becomes increasingly likely as you get older.

I’m not saying don’t have a child. Obviously I’ve done it. But do think everything through carefully because having a baby is the easy bit. It’s the next 18 + years that may be a problem.

Why don't you do an iui abroad? Look at different clinics in places like the Czech Republic and Poland, it could be much cheaper and if it's unsuccessful just chock up the cost to being a holiday?

Would you turn your life upside down if you “maybe” “might” have a child?

I did , it was hard but worth it in the end. If you really want a baby OP there are options , but you need to be committed to the idea.

What if you had twins? Serious question - they are more likely as you get older, and it never occurred to me I might have twins. Luckily I don’t need to work or we would be screwed with childcare, but we are pretty skint. They both have ASD, one has multiple other disabilities - they are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, even though it’s hard, but if I were a single parent with no family support (we have no family around so I know what that’s like) I think the first 18 months might have killed me off.

I can sympathise with wanting a child. You know what you want, but in your circumstances don't know the best way to go about it.

I know it is possible (but hard) to have a child in a one bedroom property, but as you say may exclude you from adoption. It does not mean you won't be able to move somewhere bigger in time, but feel that you can not wait until this is possible.
As a number of people have mentioned, you may not need full ivf, so less invasive and cheaper treatment options may be am option. You may however know if a reason already as to why they have to be excluded, and there is no reason for you to share them if there is.
Have you considered contacting a fertility clinic to discuss your options. A number of them hold regular open evenings. They give a general presentation on the services they offer, and give you a chance to ask questions either openly or one to one with a member of the team.
If you don't know if any clinics in your area you can search in the hefa website.

There is a risk of multiple births with treatment, but clinics are under pressure from the hefa to reduce the number, so will try to avoid it.

Op, did you want people trying to problem solve for you or did you just want to be able to talk through your feelings about it? Did you want to hear other people's experiences to take hope or comfort from them?

Personally, I think there is value in allowing people to be open with their sadness or hopelessness about something in their life without bombarding them with "solutions" and then criticising them for not actually wanting to be problem-solved.

It's easier to engage with problem solving if you've had the chance to grieve and process your feelings first. I don't think most people can effectively do both at the same time. Just because somebody doesn't find your helpful suggestion helpful, doesn't mean the fault for that lies with them...