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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still not be over my termination?

29 replies

raspberrylime123 · 20/02/2019 22:34

Had a surgical abortion in May 2018, so about 9 months ago. I've been so back and forth about it - I was backed into a corner when it happened by my ex and felt I had no choice, hence why I went through with it. After I felt sort of unaffected? I don't think I really connected the action to the result, then fast forward a couple of months and I've since just found it impossible to deal with.

I miss my baby all the time. I've had counselling, etc, didn't help even slightly. I feel like I'm getting annoying, I feel like everytime I mention it to my new partner/parents/sister/friend that they're all just willing me to shut up.. they've never indicated they feel this way so maybe it's in my head, I just feel like nobody close to me understands how heartbroken I feel despite it being a choice I made? I just want a baby, it's all I think about.

OP posts:
reindeermania · 20/02/2019 22:36

Yanbu. It's a form of ptsd and you need to give yourself time to grieve and mourn. There is no timescale that you need to meet, you will always hold the experience in your heart, though it will get better. Go easy on yourself.

reindeermania · 20/02/2019 22:38

Also- I'm 9 years on, and still am affected during the time of the year it happened. I still talk of it. I still occasionally cry. And that's okay.

erja · 20/02/2019 22:43

I know someone who had a termination when she was 15 and still almost 25 years on cries and gets hysterical around that time of year. My heart breaks for her. I have no experience of the situation so can't fully appreciate the emotional side of it but I'm sending big hugs. Thanks

FernShitTonne · 20/02/2019 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

erja · 20/02/2019 22:45

@FernShitTonne completely unnecessary comment.

Cheeeeislifenow · 20/02/2019 22:46

@fernshit how cold and nasty.

OwlinaTree · 20/02/2019 22:46

Is that really necessary fern?

FernShitTonne · 20/02/2019 22:46

It’s the truth.

Sleepthiefismyfavourite · 20/02/2019 22:46

Don't be a dick @fernshittonne

KittyLover91 · 20/02/2019 22:48

Fern is clearly a c*nt. You aren't being unreasonable at all. You are grieving and it takes time to heal. Look after yourself Thanks

stopitandtidyupp · 20/02/2019 22:48

What nonsense Fern.

Ignore OP. Some people are a bit thick.

FernShitTonne · 20/02/2019 22:48

This reply has been deleted

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OwlinaTree · 20/02/2019 22:49

No, we support each other in times of need without judgment.

erja · 20/02/2019 22:50

@FernShitTonne no, we support each other and respect every woman's right to make the right choice for her family.

KittyLover91 · 20/02/2019 22:50

This reply has been deleted

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Rspu3 · 20/02/2019 22:50

Gtfoh fern
I had a termination surgically at 14 weeks when I was 17 my ex abused and raped me so I felt I was too young and didn’t want to bring a baby into the world with a monster like him. So am I also terrible fern? Wether you agree with it or not termination is a personal choice and a heartbreaking one.
Op I don’t think I will ever get over it even though it was my choice you are grieving and need time to grieve keep going to counselling it will help even that little bit in the long run, it will always hurt. Please wait to get to know your partner and I’m sure you will have a baby in your future x

Epiphany52 · 20/02/2019 22:51

Maybe this organization can help? www.archtrust.org.uk
Thinking of you and prayers for your situation

erja · 20/02/2019 22:52

Ignore @FernShitTonne OP.

I'm concerned that you're so concerned about foetuses that you're being extremely insensitive and nasty to an already vulnerable person.

You don't seem like a great person.

newnameforthis7 · 20/02/2019 23:00

Bless you OP. Of COURSE YANBU. I am sorry you feel like this! Sad I guess it will pass eventually, but still feeling raw after 9 months isn't great. It's not AWFUL, as it hasn't been VERY long, but I would have thought you should be feeling a bit better now.

Have you sought any more help or counselling, (about the after affects,) or talked to anyone about it?

You did nothing wrong. Ignore the awful comments from the poster who was deleted at 22.44.

Anyat212 · 20/02/2019 23:00

@FernShitTonne
You are disgusting, now off you fuck.

OP - I’ve had a termination around 8 years ago so I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I know you say you’ve tried counselling I found EMDR helpful. It could be worth looking into that option?Flowers

newnameforthis7 · 20/02/2019 23:03

Shocker. @Fernshittonne only started posting today. Wink

Blistory · 20/02/2019 23:04

OP, please don't take this the wrong way but be careful of some of the support being offered. There is an antiabortion narrative pushed on women that can result in women feeling that they need to feel shame or grief or prove they have been harmed by having a termination.

The reality for many women is that it's simply a decision they make for a myriad of reasons and is a solution to a situation. We don't however tell women that and we, as a society, teach women that we'll forgive them their termination as long as they grieve enough to prove that they're not a heartless monster. We judge women who shrug it off or feel relief when the reality is that a significant number of women feel exactly that.

You did nothing wrong and you don't need to punish yourself.

Lucy299 · 20/02/2019 23:12

OP I had a termination in August 2018 so not that long after you i was also felt I was backed in to a corner by my ex he went totally awol and Didn’t come with me to the termination despite saying he would support me regardless his actions were the opposite if he had reacted differently I wound have kept the baby and would be due pretty soon.

Your not being unreasonable i think about it all time too and it doesn’t help his sister fell pregnant around the same time and kept her baby and is due next month. I’m currently having conselling too and I also feel friends and him ( we are still in contact) think I should be over it and why do I mention it .. however like you said they never actually say that so maybe it’s just me.

I want a baby too and it doesn’t help that nearly all of my friends have children under 2 that I’m
Around a lot. I know how you feel and it’s a big thing to get over every woman reacts differently to it some are relived an others find it very hard to get over especially if you feel you may have made the wrong decision. I truely do regret it but I am trying to move forward

Februaryblooms · 20/02/2019 23:18

YANBU Flowers

Fern is an arsehole.

Original poster
raspberrylime123 · 20/02/2019 23:21

Luckily I didn't read what Fern said as wasn't getting notifications but if it was pro-life can I please just say it was a situation in which I was with someone mentally abusive who manipulated me a lot and threatened all sorts against the baby if I had it, I made this choice because I didn't want to give a baby a life where I knew it would be given hell because he's the type of person who would find a way to pass a message on no matter how much you tried to get him out of your life.

Anyway. Thank you all for your advice and it's comforting to hear other people's stories, even those who are still trying to come to terms with it. I really wish there was a setting in which women could talk face to face to eachother about this, it just feels so taboo?

OP posts: