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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving two 10 year olds alone- would you?

27 replies

Treezylover · 20/02/2019 21:37

Just got back from work and my daughter says she went to the supermarket with daddy. It’s 15 minutes away in the car, he left our two very immature ten year olds by themselves in the house and is nonplussed that I think it’s totally unsafe. For context, I’m concerned they’re too immature currently to be getting the bus to high school in September- their teacher has worries too, so I’m not just being neurotic. Or am I? Is this normal?

OP posts:
ScafellPoke · 20/02/2019 21:39

I leave my 9yr old alone, never longer than 15mins though. But I can guarantee that he won’t have budged from his spot in that time, plus he’s sensible.

If you say they’re too young due to their maturity then you know best

lalalemon · 20/02/2019 21:40

Surely if they are due to start secondary school in September, they need to start having some independence? I would think leaving them at home for a short period is exactly the way to do it?!

Jamhandprints · 20/02/2019 21:40

I think this is something you discuss and agree together, not just do on a whim. So he was unreasonable.

AnnaComnena · 20/02/2019 21:42

Immature in what way? What do you think could have gone wrong, or is likely to go wrong with them catching the bus in September?

adaline · 20/02/2019 21:42

I don't see the problem - surely 10 year olds need some independence?

zzzzz · 20/02/2019 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 20/02/2019 21:45

I leave the 9 and 10 year olds and in general would say they need independence and responsibility at that age.
However all children are different and if you think yours aren't mature enough yet fair enough, that's a conversation you and your dh need to have and agree what's acceptable for you all.

Mum2jenny · 20/02/2019 21:47

I'd be ok with two 10 year olds being left for a period of time, probably under 2 hours tho'

m0therofdragons · 20/02/2019 21:48

I'd expect 10yos to be able to be left at home for the odd 30 mins. (I have an 11 yo - was 10 yesterday). My 7yo twins are much more crazy and I'll be much more nervous leaving them, but they need to be allowed to build the trust. You're nervous about September but aren't doing anything to change things? 6 months development makes a difference in dc and transition from primary to secondary is gradual but sudden all at once. Give them a chance to learn and build independence.

Original poster
Treezylover · 20/02/2019 21:50

They are pretty sensible with other people, but with each other they have no concept of safety. For example I could easily imagine one pushing the other into the road without thinking. That’s it, I don’t really know what the risks are, but it’s terrifying. Is it just because it wasn’t my decision? I’m cross that he wouldn’t even worry, and I worry so much about things like that!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 20/02/2019 21:50

They are almost secondary school age. Surely you are going to have to let them get the school bus in September? You'll really be the odd one out if you don't, and will mark them out as different.

converseandjeans · 20/02/2019 21:50

We have recently started leaving DD who is 10 and almost 11 home alone during the day. Started with 15-20 mins and gradually building it up to hour/couple of hours. She goes to secondary school in September so it is intentional as she will need to be more independent by then. I think DH did the right thing & you need to find ways to build up some independence. Send them to corner shop alone? Half hour at park? DS is just 9 and is already doing those things.

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 21:52

I agree 15 minutes is reasonable enough, I am very risk adverse. They will need to get on buses/trains in the autumn. It’s a good idea to start slowly now so they are ready.
I am not sure from your post if the teacher has concerns with good reason?

converseandjeans · 20/02/2019 21:53

Maybe the answer could be to not leave both together? Give them separate time alone or going off to the shop?

goldengummybear · 20/02/2019 21:53

We don't know your kids so it's hard to say but the average 10 year old is left at home for short periods without an adult around.

Since you say that the school is also concerned about their maturity levels l, it sounds like your husband is unreasonable.

Original poster
Treezylover · 20/02/2019 21:55

They go to the park and the shop, and they’ve been off on a bike ride for an hour to a cafe with their friend. We are doing things to build their independence, it just feels a little different to be driving 15 minutes away with no adult around, no phone to contact him if there’s a problem, and no one knowing they’re even there? We live in a small place so they know our neighbours etc, but it’s still so scary. Am I just not ready for them to grow up?! Confused

OP posts:
Springwalk · 20/02/2019 21:55

Op you need to trust them abit more, they are almost def more sensible than you give them credit for. If you have serious worries, and not just general anxiety about risk, then don’t leave them.
A little risk is very important for development.

Original poster
Treezylover · 20/02/2019 21:56

But it’s not 15 minutes, it’s 15 minutes drive away, then going round the supermarket and 15 minutes getting back, at least 🤔

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 20/02/2019 21:58

Op I think it is a twin thing - confidence and lack of fear. They're nuts but ime when it comes to it they will surprise you. Set clear rules re what to do if someone comes to the door, don't go into the kitchen etc whatever the rules are and sit down and go through them with both separately. Put rules somewhere visible.

Can they individually post letters or pop to a shop?

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 21:58

Leaving them at home is safer than an independent bike ride for an hour.
Your dh knew they were there, assuming you have a house phone and neighbours. It sounds fine to me.
What you really mean is you didn’t know, and I understand that. Dh shouldn’t reslly make unilateral big decisions without discussion.

adaline · 20/02/2019 21:59

I still don't see the problem.

Statistically they're safer at home than in the car!

anniehm · 20/02/2019 22:00

At 10 yes I would leave them for short periods. Mine changed school at 10 and took the (ordinary city) bus just fine. Dd has asd so it took lots of practice runs

lotusbell · 20/02/2019 22:00

Got plenty of time to practice over the summer hols

Original poster
Treezylover · 20/02/2019 22:00

I’m actually a major supporter of them taking risks, although you might not believe it from this post- they cut wood and whittle, make the fire, bake and cook tea and often cook themselves breakfast. It’s just that risks don’t even occur to him, iykwim? He had an accident a few weeks ago and one DS was off school sick. He left him in the a&e waiting room to go and move the car, and got told off by a nurse for leaving a child in such a dodgy environment 🙄

OP posts:
DobbinsVeil · 20/02/2019 22:01

If they have a tendency to get silly together when they're not doing something specific, I can see why you're worried. But was all well when you got home?